Feeling very demotivated at work because... gah work.
Feeling quite stressed about work too because I am terrible at being middle management! I just want to be a small-time staff and do whatever my boss tells me to... everyday come at 9am and knock off at 6pm and don't bother about anything else... but I think I'm too young to just settle into that kind of job? I still have 37 more years to retirement (depressing thought). And I think it would be a waste of my education? But then again... sometimes I feel so incompetent and stupid that I think my education has gone to waste regardless.
And also I need the salary... it is likely that a job like that will only pay $2.5K at most. Which is really not sufficient in this day and age.
Like everyone I see is so driven in their respective careers... haha I don't think I even know anyone of my age that is so un-driven. Like me.
Was looking at the Squishrollslump blog and feeling a bit sad because... Slumpy :(
We lost Slumpy and that must have been one of the saddest and most depressing days this year.
We were cold, hungry and depressed and I was just tearing at the thought of Slumpy for the next few days of our honeymoon...
We trudged back to Venice Mestre station at 9pm at night and only returned at 12am with no Slumpy.
And the oft-repeated story was that Paul's bagpack was stolen on the train from Milan to Venice.
On hindsight of course, we could have been more careful... blah blah... especially since so many people warned us about safety and security and Europe. I don't know why we chose to place the bagpack on the top rack on that day... maybe we just came from Switzerland and everything was so much safer there, and maybe we were complacent... on our first foray into Italy, we didn't expect such a thing to happen to us. It's always the "invincible" effect - you will never think that bad things will happen to you BUT THEY WILL.
And maybe they saw that we were 2 distracted Asians watching Running Man on a tablet and were easy targets.
Our hearts totally sank when we realized that the bagpack was gone. It was a terrible terrible feeling. Money, train tickets, personal possessions, and most importantly, Slumpy our beloved bear was in that bag. It was just the 3rd day of our 23 day honeymoon.
We couldn't enjoy Venice properly after that. Such a pity because it's a very nice place.
Thankfully we still have our passports, some other cash, hotel vouchers, Squishy and Rolly (who were in my bagpack) and each other to depend on.
The blow is greater to Paul because Slumpy has greater sentimental value to him than anyone else. When we got back to Singapore, we tried to search Precious Thots stores to find the same kind of teddy bear but it seems like they have stopped production for it. :(
But some good news today coz Paul found some of the teddies at ARC! Going after work to take a look at them. It won't be able to replace Slumpy because he is irreplaceable and the feeling will be different but I hope the new bear can provide us with some kind of comfort.
More about our Europe adventure next time! I haven't even properly sorted through my photos.
Showing posts with label Upset. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Upset. Show all posts
My life has been full of drama again.
Recent new developments served to make me even more pissed, and make my battered heart even more dead.
I wouldn't even say I feel hurt anymore because it's more like -WHATEVER- with an eye roll now.
Also good la I need my heart to harden and die in order for the feelings to ebb away and to be able to move on.
But as a result I think I've become more cynical and skeptical especially towards guys, love and relationships. I was once a bushy tailed bright eyed naive and innocent girl who believed in love - pure, geniune, unadulterated love - and had grand visions about love and what it meant, but thanks one guy, my beliefs have been completely shattered. THANK YOU FOR KILLING A PART OF ME.
So the week has pretty much been crappy. Basically felt like shit for the earlier part of the week, was a little emotionally unstable, ended up turning into an obsessive, neurotic stalker, was constantly thinking about him and wondering what he was doing, tormenting myself with thoughts of him and her together out on dates, having fun, being crazily in love, feeling like someone stabbed + twisted the knife in my heart when I saw them posting flirty messages on each other's Facebook walls, and trying to cope with the loss, the emptiness and gaping hole in my life.
It really feels goddamn awful.
Thing about being hurt by the same person over and over again - somehow you get desensitized to it. It still hurts and it doesn't feel good, but the magnitude and impact that you feel can't quite compare to the first time, or the second, or the third... we just get numb, and start to build walls around us to cope.
I have been reading a lot of depressing articles on Thought Catalog, could identify with lots of them. Someone left a comment on an article and this was what it said:
"Why wasn't he afraid of losing you when you were so afraid of losing him? because you never shared yourself with him, never were honest with him... and so he never had a part of you to lose."
Feels like this is me.
***
On Thursday I met with K for dinner. She went through similar shit before (but is now engaged and has her happily ever after!) and I did feel much better after talking to her. That very same night, I got a call from the person who had been ignoring me for the past few days. I did what every silly person would do. I picked up the call.
It was a call telling me that it was over with him and P, and that he felt relieved and somewhat happy about it because to put it mildly, there are many things they can't see eye to eye on. Of course I was skeptical (and rightly so). But ok, I was a little happy that they broke up.
On Friday night I got another call. This time it was J crying over the phone. He was crying because he felt hurt and heartbroken and in his words - "now I know how you feel". WTF. Do you see how many shades of fucked up this was? One simply does not come crying to their ex and expect the ex to lick their wounds for them after they break up with their current boy/girlfriend. Furthermore, I have yet to completely get over him, was still pissed, and was just only starting to feel marginally better about him disappearing from my life. You want to talk about hurt here? WHO IS MORE HURT I ASK YOU?
My first reaction was - eh why the heck are you feeling hurt? Just yesterday you were telling me how happy you were after dumping her. You told me you that didn't even like her. Yet here you are feeling heartbroken. So this only means that what you told me were lies and that you did feel something for her. MEN. I don't understand them.
I honestly felt no sympathy for him because he deserved it. And I told him that. He went into this relationship with both eyes wide open. If you know you don't like the girl, why agree to be with her? This must be karma or something.
And then I got angry and indignant because he and her were together for 3 weeks, and he can be crying over the breakup, while I stuck by him for 2 and a half frigging years, and yet he can be all nonchalant about it. It goes back to the whole he doesn't love me thing which I shall not rehash.
When I was arguing with him he said a whole lotta other stuff like "you can't say that I dumped you because we weren't even boyfriend and girlfriend! How can you dump someone who was never your girlfriend?" Fwah. FUME. 这种没良心的话你也说得出。好歹我也曾经对你付出过，我对你的好绝对不会少过对一个 “男朋友” 的好。贱人！
So in my anger and spite I wrote him another lengthy email lambasting him and basically accusing him of a lot of stuff.
Tonight, just hours ago, I found out through Facebook that they were flirting on each other's wall again. So what does this mean? Ta-dah! Back together again. Zzzzzz.
In spite of myself (yes I should have more backbone seriously), I called him and asked him what the hell happened. Apparently this morning he asked her to reconsider, read my email, got angry, and decided to get together with her. /roll eyes. But then now he is thinking of breaking up with her again because of all the yada yada yada problems AND I also found out that she made personal attacks against me. OK she really crossed the line here. She said I had no pride for sticking to a guy doesn't even like me. She said I was stupid and an idiot. WAHLAO EH woman what did I do to you? My opinion of you just plunged 10 levels down.
So will J break up with P? Dum dum dum dum. He claims he wants to, but I have a feeling that he won't. Stay tuned.
My life is like a soap opera now and each day brings a new episode. -_- So we'll see what tomorrow brings.
I was just almost gonna recover and then this happened.
The smart thing to do is of course to ignore and remove him from my life completely.
But easier said than done.
One thing I'm pretty sure though, is like what Taylor Swift sang, "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together".
At least now I'm past the stage of feeling down in the dumps and moping and crying.
We all need to learn from this: 7 Dating Lessons I'm Still Working On Learning
Recent new developments served to make me even more pissed, and make my battered heart even more dead.
I wouldn't even say I feel hurt anymore because it's more like -WHATEVER- with an eye roll now.
Also good la I need my heart to harden and die in order for the feelings to ebb away and to be able to move on.
But as a result I think I've become more cynical and skeptical especially towards guys, love and relationships. I was once a bushy tailed bright eyed naive and innocent girl who believed in love - pure, geniune, unadulterated love - and had grand visions about love and what it meant, but thanks one guy, my beliefs have been completely shattered. THANK YOU FOR KILLING A PART OF ME.
So the week has pretty much been crappy. Basically felt like shit for the earlier part of the week, was a little emotionally unstable, ended up turning into an obsessive, neurotic stalker, was constantly thinking about him and wondering what he was doing, tormenting myself with thoughts of him and her together out on dates, having fun, being crazily in love, feeling like someone stabbed + twisted the knife in my heart when I saw them posting flirty messages on each other's Facebook walls, and trying to cope with the loss, the emptiness and gaping hole in my life.
It really feels goddamn awful.
Thing about being hurt by the same person over and over again - somehow you get desensitized to it. It still hurts and it doesn't feel good, but the magnitude and impact that you feel can't quite compare to the first time, or the second, or the third... we just get numb, and start to build walls around us to cope.
I have been reading a lot of depressing articles on Thought Catalog, could identify with lots of them. Someone left a comment on an article and this was what it said:
"Why wasn't he afraid of losing you when you were so afraid of losing him? because you never shared yourself with him, never were honest with him... and so he never had a part of you to lose."
Feels like this is me.
***
On Thursday I met with K for dinner. She went through similar shit before (but is now engaged and has her happily ever after!) and I did feel much better after talking to her. That very same night, I got a call from the person who had been ignoring me for the past few days. I did what every silly person would do. I picked up the call.
It was a call telling me that it was over with him and P, and that he felt relieved and somewhat happy about it because to put it mildly, there are many things they can't see eye to eye on. Of course I was skeptical (and rightly so). But ok, I was a little happy that they broke up.
On Friday night I got another call. This time it was J crying over the phone. He was crying because he felt hurt and heartbroken and in his words - "now I know how you feel". WTF. Do you see how many shades of fucked up this was? One simply does not come crying to their ex and expect the ex to lick their wounds for them after they break up with their current boy/girlfriend. Furthermore, I have yet to completely get over him, was still pissed, and was just only starting to feel marginally better about him disappearing from my life. You want to talk about hurt here? WHO IS MORE HURT I ASK YOU?
My first reaction was - eh why the heck are you feeling hurt? Just yesterday you were telling me how happy you were after dumping her. You told me you that didn't even like her. Yet here you are feeling heartbroken. So this only means that what you told me were lies and that you did feel something for her. MEN. I don't understand them.
I honestly felt no sympathy for him because he deserved it. And I told him that. He went into this relationship with both eyes wide open. If you know you don't like the girl, why agree to be with her? This must be karma or something.
And then I got angry and indignant because he and her were together for 3 weeks, and he can be crying over the breakup, while I stuck by him for 2 and a half frigging years, and yet he can be all nonchalant about it. It goes back to the whole he doesn't love me thing which I shall not rehash.
When I was arguing with him he said a whole lotta other stuff like "you can't say that I dumped you because we weren't even boyfriend and girlfriend! How can you dump someone who was never your girlfriend?" Fwah. FUME. 这种没良心的话你也说得出。好歹我也曾经对你付出过，我对你的好绝对不会少过对一个 “男朋友” 的好。贱人！
So in my anger and spite I wrote him another lengthy email lambasting him and basically accusing him of a lot of stuff.
Tonight, just hours ago, I found out through Facebook that they were flirting on each other's wall again. So what does this mean? Ta-dah! Back together again. Zzzzzz.
In spite of myself (yes I should have more backbone seriously), I called him and asked him what the hell happened. Apparently this morning he asked her to reconsider, read my email, got angry, and decided to get together with her. /roll eyes. But then now he is thinking of breaking up with her again because of all the yada yada yada problems AND I also found out that she made personal attacks against me. OK she really crossed the line here. She said I had no pride for sticking to a guy doesn't even like me. She said I was stupid and an idiot. WAHLAO EH woman what did I do to you? My opinion of you just plunged 10 levels down.
So will J break up with P? Dum dum dum dum. He claims he wants to, but I have a feeling that he won't. Stay tuned.
My life is like a soap opera now and each day brings a new episode. -_- So we'll see what tomorrow brings.
I was just almost gonna recover and then this happened.
The smart thing to do is of course to ignore and remove him from my life completely.
But easier said than done.
One thing I'm pretty sure though, is like what Taylor Swift sang, "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together".
At least now I'm past the stage of feeling down in the dumps and moping and crying.
We all need to learn from this: 7 Dating Lessons I'm Still Working On Learning
Sunday, 18 November 2012
Angst,
Future,
Hurt,
Milestones,
My non-existent love life,
Rants,
Snippets of Life,
Upset
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I'm feeling really pissed and hurt and betrayed and bitter and and broken and disappointed and I dunno what else now.
So, I wrote a long grandmother email to him basically accusing him of lots of things and in his words - "you want your face-to-face, here's your face-to-face". So I met him last night.
I got my answers, but I also gained several new revelations.
1) He basically stopped having any feelings for me for a while. Possibly dating back to August, September, or who knows, maybe even earlier? Things felt "different" he said, especially after he changed jobs we kind of drifted, and then I understood why he was able to jump so readily into another relationship in the turn of the eye without even giving time for the old one to die off. How he was able to move on so easily, how he could completely disregard how I feel. BECAUSE TO HIM IT HAS ALREADY DIED OFF LONG AGO. At first I was hurt that he didn't even respect the relationship enough to at least not jump into another girl's arms immediately but of course, now I realize there was already nothing there to him from a long time ago.
Of course, it feels like shit to know that all this while I have been loving someone who doesn't love me at all.
2) He thought I didn't love him 100% or love him so much to think that we had a future together. He thought I didn't love him because I never expressed myself (verbally) my love for him, unlike his girlfriend. He was so sure that I didn't have any feelings for him because he couldn't feel anything from me. When his girlfriend observed that I still had feelings for him during the JB trip, he told his her "Definitely not, impossible". To him it's like, he has always been the one initiating most conversations, he's been the one calling me (that's true), hence he thought I was no longer interested.
WELL. HE IS VERY WRONG. When I expressed myself verbally, it was met with no replies or nonchalance. Since my verbal expressions were not reciprocated, I gradually stopped doing it. However, I expressed myself through ACTIONS. Actions speak louder than words, or so I thought. I may be passive but I have always been there for him, silently by his side offering him the support he needs. I ask about his well-being, I show care and concern about his life and the things happening around him, I show him physical affection, I made special trips down to his office to meet him for lunch, I buy stuff that he needs. (This article here expresses very well how I feel about him: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/how-i-know-i-love-you/) Apparently all this does not constitue liking or love, he thinks normal friends are also capable of doing stuff like that. So he is dense and dumb and superficial. It is no wonder that he got so easily swayed to be with his girlfriend because she is able to say things that he wants to hear.
3) Since I was the one who pushed him to go to SDN, he thought I would be happy for him when he found someone (also me encouraging him to go meet more girls was a clear sign to him that I no longer liked him - ok, can't argue with that). He did not expect me to feel so hurt and upset and betrayed now that he found someone. Also, we had many talks along the years about the future, like how I was free to go if I found someone else, and it was obvious that his future did not include me in it. Which is fair. These were the parameters set right at the start.
I didn't know this "no future" thing was so important to him that basically it affected the way he treated me. Because it's like since there's no future, then there's no point anyway, so no need 100%. This "no future" thing is used to justify everything. "No future", so it would have ended sooner or later anyway. "No future", so I could never see you as a potential partner. Why the fuck did he even lead me on for so long if there was "no future"? Yup so you, being perfectly logical and rational, would ask why did you stick with him for so long since there was "no future"? Honestly I have no direct answer to that. It could be (a) I believed as long as there was love, it doesn't matter what the future holds, or (b) I was insecure and as soon as some one paid some bit of attention to me, I clung onto him and didn't want to let go.
And to think all this while I was nothing but sincere and geniune to him, giving my very best. He was the one who begged me to stay when I wanted to leave early this year. I was conflicted, but decided to stay because it killed me to hurt him. Dammit, I even tried to make him feel more secure and assured him I wouldn't leave because he was insecure that I would bolt anyway. Now the tables are turned, he can say that he didn't feel I love him, and he is the one leaving and ruthlessly ditching me. All I wanted was for him to acknowledge my effort and love. What can I say right. I played with fire and got burnt badly. Handed him the knife and allowed him stab me with it.
4) So apparently the reason he is with his girlfriend now despite not liking her all that much is because she can give him the spiritual connection that he needs. Or rather, wants. He likes it that he can attend church with her, discuss about the sermon with her, talk to her about God and other Christianly stuff - that's a connection that he wants to be able to share with his partner. Because of this connection, he is able to see her as a potential life partner, as a wife. Being with her is different, compared to being with me. He said going out with her makes him feel like he is with a wife, because she thinks of him and asks him to try clothes on when they go shopping (oh right and I don't think of you and accommodate you all the time?) And seriously I had no bloody idea that he wanted all this. Honestly, he didn't even strike me as the very religious type. He didn't even talk to me about his religious beliefs (probably because he thinks I don't understand since I'm not a Christian). Worse, I thought we shared a connection but I guess that wasn't the type of connection he wanted. At the end of the day he was never able to see me as something more because I was never able to satisfy him in this aspect. So that's what she has that I don't. That's what's she was able to give him that I can't. Pretty earth-shattering revelation. Knowing that kinda sucks.
Also I guess he thinks I'm not worth it to put in the effort to try and overcome this barrier of ours.
So I guess that's it. 2.5 years of my feelings down the drain just like that. 拍拍屁股就走人。 He said he doesn't want to lead me on anymore and wants me to move on. And for me to move on, he will stop contacting me, stop burdening me with his problems, and withdraw from my life.
I'm finding a bit hard to move on to be honest. I'm too used to having him in my life. I'm like turning into this psychotic stalker with an overactive imagination and constantly obssessing about him. I want to think that this is breaking him apart just like how it is breaking me, that this is just as hard for him, but no? It seems like he is perfectly fine? (Right. He already has another girl to lick his wounds.) It's like every single thing I do I get reminded of him? Every place you go to is flooded with memories of him? How do you move on from something like that?
Also another takeaway point is that I am too damn nice. Being nice gets you no where. Being aggressive gets you what you want. Like his girlfriend P. She's aggressive and she got what she wanted.
Sucks being alone and surrounded with negative thoughts. Even though I've had a 4-day weekend, I really don't feel like going back to work tomorrow.
Sigh what can I say. The road to recovery is long and hard. :'(
So, I wrote a long grandmother email to him basically accusing him of lots of things and in his words - "you want your face-to-face, here's your face-to-face". So I met him last night.
I got my answers, but I also gained several new revelations.
1) He basically stopped having any feelings for me for a while. Possibly dating back to August, September, or who knows, maybe even earlier? Things felt "different" he said, especially after he changed jobs we kind of drifted, and then I understood why he was able to jump so readily into another relationship in the turn of the eye without even giving time for the old one to die off. How he was able to move on so easily, how he could completely disregard how I feel. BECAUSE TO HIM IT HAS ALREADY DIED OFF LONG AGO. At first I was hurt that he didn't even respect the relationship enough to at least not jump into another girl's arms immediately but of course, now I realize there was already nothing there to him from a long time ago.
Of course, it feels like shit to know that all this while I have been loving someone who doesn't love me at all.
2) He thought I didn't love him 100% or love him so much to think that we had a future together. He thought I didn't love him because I never expressed myself (verbally) my love for him, unlike his girlfriend. He was so sure that I didn't have any feelings for him because he couldn't feel anything from me. When his girlfriend observed that I still had feelings for him during the JB trip, he told his her "Definitely not, impossible". To him it's like, he has always been the one initiating most conversations, he's been the one calling me (that's true), hence he thought I was no longer interested.
WELL. HE IS VERY WRONG. When I expressed myself verbally, it was met with no replies or nonchalance. Since my verbal expressions were not reciprocated, I gradually stopped doing it. However, I expressed myself through ACTIONS. Actions speak louder than words, or so I thought. I may be passive but I have always been there for him, silently by his side offering him the support he needs. I ask about his well-being, I show care and concern about his life and the things happening around him, I show him physical affection, I made special trips down to his office to meet him for lunch, I buy stuff that he needs. (This article here expresses very well how I feel about him: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/how-i-know-i-love-you/) Apparently all this does not constitue liking or love, he thinks normal friends are also capable of doing stuff like that. So he is dense and dumb and superficial. It is no wonder that he got so easily swayed to be with his girlfriend because she is able to say things that he wants to hear.
3) Since I was the one who pushed him to go to SDN, he thought I would be happy for him when he found someone (also me encouraging him to go meet more girls was a clear sign to him that I no longer liked him - ok, can't argue with that). He did not expect me to feel so hurt and upset and betrayed now that he found someone. Also, we had many talks along the years about the future, like how I was free to go if I found someone else, and it was obvious that his future did not include me in it. Which is fair. These were the parameters set right at the start.
I didn't know this "no future" thing was so important to him that basically it affected the way he treated me. Because it's like since there's no future, then there's no point anyway, so no need 100%. This "no future" thing is used to justify everything. "No future", so it would have ended sooner or later anyway. "No future", so I could never see you as a potential partner. Why the fuck did he even lead me on for so long if there was "no future"? Yup so you, being perfectly logical and rational, would ask why did you stick with him for so long since there was "no future"? Honestly I have no direct answer to that. It could be (a) I believed as long as there was love, it doesn't matter what the future holds, or (b) I was insecure and as soon as some one paid some bit of attention to me, I clung onto him and didn't want to let go.
And to think all this while I was nothing but sincere and geniune to him, giving my very best. He was the one who begged me to stay when I wanted to leave early this year. I was conflicted, but decided to stay because it killed me to hurt him. Dammit, I even tried to make him feel more secure and assured him I wouldn't leave because he was insecure that I would bolt anyway. Now the tables are turned, he can say that he didn't feel I love him, and he is the one leaving and ruthlessly ditching me. All I wanted was for him to acknowledge my effort and love. What can I say right. I played with fire and got burnt badly. Handed him the knife and allowed him stab me with it.
4) So apparently the reason he is with his girlfriend now despite not liking her all that much is because she can give him the spiritual connection that he needs. Or rather, wants. He likes it that he can attend church with her, discuss about the sermon with her, talk to her about God and other Christianly stuff - that's a connection that he wants to be able to share with his partner. Because of this connection, he is able to see her as a potential life partner, as a wife. Being with her is different, compared to being with me. He said going out with her makes him feel like he is with a wife, because she thinks of him and asks him to try clothes on when they go shopping (oh right and I don't think of you and accommodate you all the time?) And seriously I had no bloody idea that he wanted all this. Honestly, he didn't even strike me as the very religious type. He didn't even talk to me about his religious beliefs (probably because he thinks I don't understand since I'm not a Christian). Worse, I thought we shared a connection but I guess that wasn't the type of connection he wanted. At the end of the day he was never able to see me as something more because I was never able to satisfy him in this aspect. So that's what she has that I don't. That's what's she was able to give him that I can't. Pretty earth-shattering revelation. Knowing that kinda sucks.
Also I guess he thinks I'm not worth it to put in the effort to try and overcome this barrier of ours.
So I guess that's it. 2.5 years of my feelings down the drain just like that. 拍拍屁股就走人。 He said he doesn't want to lead me on anymore and wants me to move on. And for me to move on, he will stop contacting me, stop burdening me with his problems, and withdraw from my life.
I'm finding a bit hard to move on to be honest. I'm too used to having him in my life. I'm like turning into this psychotic stalker with an overactive imagination and constantly obssessing about him. I want to think that this is breaking him apart just like how it is breaking me, that this is just as hard for him, but no? It seems like he is perfectly fine? (Right. He already has another girl to lick his wounds.) It's like every single thing I do I get reminded of him? Every place you go to is flooded with memories of him? How do you move on from something like that?
Also another takeaway point is that I am too damn nice. Being nice gets you no where. Being aggressive gets you what you want. Like his girlfriend P. She's aggressive and she got what she wanted.
Sucks being alone and surrounded with negative thoughts. Even though I've had a 4-day weekend, I really don't feel like going back to work tomorrow.
Sigh what can I say. The road to recovery is long and hard. :'(
It amazes me that some people's feelings can be switched on and off like a tap.
For 2.5 years you don't feel guilty and then after that night at JB you suddenly feel guilty about leading me on and hence decided to not like me anymore? WTF. OK. Well done.
I know I shouldn't care about this anymore but it doesn't feel good to know that you told the other girl that you have no more feelings for me. It's like I didn't even mean anything to you.
Unfortunately it is not so easy for me. The scars on my knees and elbow. Every time I look at it I get reminded of you.
For 2.5 years you don't feel guilty and then after that night at JB you suddenly feel guilty about leading me on and hence decided to not like me anymore? WTF. OK. Well done.
I know I shouldn't care about this anymore but it doesn't feel good to know that you told the other girl that you have no more feelings for me. It's like I didn't even mean anything to you.
Unfortunately it is not so easy for me. The scars on my knees and elbow. Every time I look at it I get reminded of you.
OK I gotta get this out when I'm still feeling all charged up.
This is going to be a long story.
It all started way back in 2010, when I was briefly together with this person, whom for the purposes of this post, we shall call J.
J and I were only "officially" - and not even that officially because it was a 偷偷摸摸地下情 - together for about a month then the whole China shebang happened.
But frankly, with the benefit of hindsight, this relationship was doomed right from the start. We both knew nothing good could happen out of it since I didn't subscribe to his religious beliefs and this was a "hard rule" for him. But for whatever reason - youth? impulsiveness? the itch to give something a try? - took over and it lasted way longer than it should.
By that I meant it should have ended right after we came back from China. And I did believe it could have ended there, if not for the fact that I went begging for forgiveness (wtf I also dunno what I did that needs forgiving). Ah, if only I had that little bit more 骨气.
But well you know, they say pride takes second place if you love somebody and at that point in time I thought I did.
J couldn't acknowledge me as his girlfriend, so it dragged on in a neither-here-nor-there state for the next 2 years. Popular culture calls it "friends with benefits" without the sex but I prefer the term "relationship of convenience". It sounds classier LOL. We were treading dangerously on the line between platonic friendship and something deeper.
Of course, the 2 years from mid-2010 to early 2012 weren't all breezy, and most of the time I was struggling with this... state of limbo. Wanting more but never being able to get it. Having to be contented with whatever I can get. Other times I was perfectly happy with the things were. No need to plan my life around another person or to be accountable to them. A low-fuss "relationship" that doesn't interefere with my life. When it's convenient, we get together. When it's not, we do our own thing. It suited my lifestyle pretty well.
The most memorable dispute we had over this was some time in March - April this year, after coming back from the Hong Kong trip. I disliked the fact that I had to lie and cover up my lies with more lies and wasn't at peace. So I wanted out. I remember feeling terrible back then, crying my eyes out everywhere, on the train, at work, over dinner and poor Saint and Empress had to tahan my outbursts and rants.
Saint said he was being emotionally manipulative and yeah perhaps he was (haha well all I can say is KARMA YO~ because now he is being manipulated by another girl) but then I somehow got persuaded to stay. Remain as status quo. Continue with this close-but-not-together relationship until one of us finds his/her Mr/Ms Right.
Of course, the bright sparks among you will shake your head and think, this is so so so flawed and does not make sense. Someone will get hurt in the end. YES! Of course! And I foolishly thought, ok, better me getting hurt than him, because I don't want to hurt him. Yes yes, I know, but do not question my sanity based on this story, for I am usually quite a rational and balanced individual.
So yada yada things continued merrily along, but as with all relationships, be it friendships or romantic ones, it has to be maintained. It has to work both ways. Effort has to be invested. I don't see it happening in this situation. J is always the complainer, complaining about his work, his job, whatever is happening in his life, and about how suay he is, and I'm always the ever patient (ok sometimes very impatient - I have my limits) listener who tries to empathaize. I am always the one providing assistance, telling him what to do, teaching him how to do it, probing him to do stuff. He on the other hand, seems to take all of this for granted.
Never mind, fine. Even though he irks me to no end sometimes, even though I feel super exasperated at his thick-headedness and indecisiveness, even though I hate his un-gallantness and the fact that he is super uncaring and never bothers to at least show some care and concern towards me, I do all this out of my own free will. Because I thought I still had some shred of feelings for him. The big outpouring of love might have dwindled, but there's still something. Maybe it's not love anymore? But I don't know what it is. The comfort and familiarity?
He changed jobs in September, and things got interesting. From being able to see each other a few times a week, we could never find time to meet. And the thing is he didn't even seem to bother or make an effort to meet. To be fair, I was also pretty busy with my course then.
And all the while, he kept complaining about not meeting girls and the fact that no girls like him (this has been a recurring topic for the 2+ years) - so I said, go to the SDN website and look if you are so desperate. YES! I pushed him to go to SDN! Coz remember my theory? Better that he finds a girl first and finds his happily ever after.
So look he did, and he somehow he chatted this girl up (we shall call her P). They attend the same church, and P was a pretty sociable girl, so pretty soon they were chatting daily on whatsapp. That progressed to meet ups, and within a span of a week of knowing her, he invited her to go to JB.
Ok I gotta explain about JB. I was out shopping with him in the day and then went to play mahjong with his parents after that. It was the long weekend and he was thinking of something interesting to do. So initially it was just me, him and his friend who would drive us up. But over mahjong, he kept whataspping P, and somehow invited P to JB too. (The interesting thing is that prior to this, he thought P ignored him for 3 days because of a joke that he made. And for those 3 days I had to endure his complaints about how P ignored him and how he will never be with a person like her. And then WOAH suddenly, they're good again?) Yup so that is how I ended up on a short evening trip to JB for dinner and a body scrub with J and 2 strangers (in a Mercedes. It's a miracle we were not mugged).
During the JB trip, P somehow managed to guess that I had some shred of feelings for J (that woman must have bionic eyes). So the idiot J said, yes, I'm one of his exes. And I was pretty certain P was interested in J. All this transpired while we 3 were sitting at the spa, whatsapping each other without talking. AWKWARD MUCH.
Yup so where does that leave me? You bring a girl who is interested in you out with a girl who has been steadfastly been by your side for 3 effing years and basically ignore her for the whole journey? Am I supposed to not be jealous and feel gracious here?
By now you should be reading this and thinking that J is SUPER DENSE. Yes that is correct, you are on the right track.
SO. The next day after the awkward outing, I did not even hear a whisper from J at all. What I heard on Monday, was him saying that P confessed her feelings to him. J was now conflicted because he doesn't like her all that much. Says her personality not compatible with his, yada yada, and other excuses which I will mercifully leave out. From what I heard, P basically poured her heart and innermost secrets out to J, and at her most vulnerable, J didn't have the heart to reject her. BUT, he didn't accept her either. He just left her hanging. Do you see some kind of a pattern here? I'm gonna put in one more criteria for my future boyfriend/husband. I HATE WISHY-WASY INDECISIVE GUYS. DUDE. Don't lead a girl on if you are not interested in her.
And also tell me if I am being unreasonable here. You can't even be bothered to text me for the whole entire Sunday to apologize for your shitty behaviour and for putting me in an awkward position for the JB outing, and yet when P said she needed to talk, he drove down to meet her straightaway? His lame excuse is - "morning got church, afternoon had to go Sim Lim to buy stuff, then went home to watch F1, then after that the thing with P happened". WAH you can drive to meet her but you cannot even spend a minute to text me. I am even less important than F1 in his heart. THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW WHERE I STAND. THANKS A LOT.
So the timeline. That was the Monday before my birthday. The next few days all I heard about was P, P and more P. For my birthday dinner, I heard more about P and how he will never accept her because of various reasons. And for the record, up till the day of my birthday, he hasn't told P that he doesn't want to be with her. I believe P was still hoping for her chance and I believe they were still in constant contact via whatsapp.
Told the bugger, BE A MAN AND BE DECISIVE! You better tell her asap, if you don't want to be with her better tell her straight. And he said, ok, I'll tell her on Saturday. So Saturday came and went. No updates. I left for Taiwan that night and in Taiwan, I whatsapped him a few times. NO REPLY. OK, he is purposely avoiding my questions.
When I came back from Taiwan, I found out that he somehow agreed to go overseas with her to celebrate his birthday. Eh. Ok. I thought WE had a plan to celebrate his birthday together? I'm starting to feel cheated and betrayed here. Alarm bells starting to ring.
Then came today. The crux of the plot.
Basically, he somehow got "manipulated" (his own words) by P to be with her and THEY GOT TOGETHER A WEEK AGO. That would be Sunday, the day after I left for Taiwan, the day after he said he would make things clear to her. However, he maintains that he is regretting it and he knows it won't work, he doesn't even like her, and hence he wants out.
*CUE THUNDER AND LIGHTNING*
My question is then, WHY THE HECK ARE YOU WITH HER IF YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE HER OR WANT TO BE WITH HER?! Are you just feeling sympathy for her and somehow mistook it as liking? Or are you so eager to settle down that you just grab any girl that comes by? Are girls toys for you to play with? He cannot answer, basically just saying he was manipulated by her. So basically when a girl cries, hugs you and says stuff like, oh, I really really like you, guys will melt and they will relent. Ooooooookay. Good trick. I am so going to try that on guys next time so that they will drop into my lap like flies.
Honestly I should have seen it coming, the telltale signs were all there. J claims that he doesn't like her, YET his actions prove otherwise - rushing down to meet her when she needs to pour her heart out, letting her cry in his arms, whatsapping daily, meeting up regularly after work, sending her home... IS THIS WHAT A PERSON WHO IS NOT INTERESTED IN ANOTHER PARTY WILL BE DOING I ASK YOU?! You claim that you want to be friends with her first and get to know her better but you doesn't seem to realize that to P this could be signs of courtship.
Then comes the feelings of betrayal. For the past 2.5 years I have been his rock and his support, steadfastly putting up with all his bullshit and crap, and then in the turn of the eye, he can go and get together with another girl. Of course, I should have expected this, I mean what else can you expect in a "no strings attached" kind of relationship? He is free to go, I am free to leave.
But that doesn't mean I can't feel indignant about how easy it is for him to just throw away everything we shared and move on as if nothing ever happened. What a world class asshole.
AND, he is dense enough to not realize that I have been holding out for him for the past 2.5 years and still had feelings for him UNTIL P told him. Please lah. Go and use your brains and think. Which other girl would be stupid enough to put up with your bullshit if they didn't like you?
Apparently, P is now uncomfortable that he shares such a close relationship with me, and forbids him to contact me or meet up with me individually. That is why he has no choice but to tell me about his new relationship status. Because they have been quarrelling about this every time.
Why the hell then J, didn't you tell me right away when you got together with P? Oh, his excuse was that because I was in Taiwan and he didn't want to spoil my trip. But to be honest I already half-suspected during the trip. The signs were there - the ignored messages (apparently she checks his phone), the changed profile picture. I am such a threat to her, wow!
And oh, the audacity. When I asked why don't you meet me face-to-face and talk, he said, what, you expect me to take the train to your house and talk to you at your void deck? ESKEW ME, you can rush down to meet P just one week after knowing her, and you cannot do the same for someone who has been your constant for the past 2.5 years? SERIOUSLY. I'm not even worth a face-to-face talk. It just shows how much I mean to him.
Yes I see all of you out there shaking your heads, thinking, you foolish girl! You have been made use of! I am nothing more than a willing sponge in his eyes, soaking and cleaning up his mess! Yeah, I see that now. Actually, I've seen that a long time ago. Friends around me have been telling me that. But what can I say? I was a willing party. Foolishly willing to settle for less and get into this no-status shit. So yup, I had it coming for a long time. In a way, I was prepared for this. People come into our lives, either as a blessing or a lesson. This one is definitely a lesson. But with hindsight, we can laugh and poke fun at our mistakes and hopefully not repeat them.
In truth I am not even half as hurt as I was in the past. It's like...after all the nonsense that you put me through, nothing can faze me anymore! I'm over wasting tears and energy on this guy. Maybe I'm used to it, maybe I'm numb to it? Yes perhaps the word is INDIFFERENT. I know I have completely reached the stage of getting over him when I feel indifferent towards him. Hurray!
I'm still waiting to feel liberated, for I can finally say that I'M FREE!!! My heart has been freed from enslavery! But hmmm. Liberation is not quite here yet. Maybe moving on will take some time.
Now I'm single (wtf I've always been) and ready to mingle but of course must QC a bit first. My 5 readers out there, if you have any eligible single guy friends who is nothing like the jerk I just mentioned above, please intro LOL. I am a pretty awesome person if I can say so myself LOL.
All I can say is, your loss, J. Entirely your loss. May you get the happiness that you so desire, be it with P or someone else.
[Also the reason I am writing this out here is because I know only a few of you read this. The rest who don't read don't need to know and they probably only know sketchy details anyway. I don't want to spend time during meet ups repeating this story over and over.]
This is going to be a long story.
It all started way back in 2010, when I was briefly together with this person, whom for the purposes of this post, we shall call J.
J and I were only "officially" - and not even that officially because it was a 偷偷摸摸地下情 - together for about a month then the whole China shebang happened.
But frankly, with the benefit of hindsight, this relationship was doomed right from the start. We both knew nothing good could happen out of it since I didn't subscribe to his religious beliefs and this was a "hard rule" for him. But for whatever reason - youth? impulsiveness? the itch to give something a try? - took over and it lasted way longer than it should.
By that I meant it should have ended right after we came back from China. And I did believe it could have ended there, if not for the fact that I went begging for forgiveness (wtf I also dunno what I did that needs forgiving). Ah, if only I had that little bit more 骨气.
But well you know, they say pride takes second place if you love somebody and at that point in time I thought I did.
J couldn't acknowledge me as his girlfriend, so it dragged on in a neither-here-nor-there state for the next 2 years. Popular culture calls it "friends with benefits" without the sex but I prefer the term "relationship of convenience". It sounds classier LOL. We were treading dangerously on the line between platonic friendship and something deeper.
Of course, the 2 years from mid-2010 to early 2012 weren't all breezy, and most of the time I was struggling with this... state of limbo. Wanting more but never being able to get it. Having to be contented with whatever I can get. Other times I was perfectly happy with the things were. No need to plan my life around another person or to be accountable to them. A low-fuss "relationship" that doesn't interefere with my life. When it's convenient, we get together. When it's not, we do our own thing. It suited my lifestyle pretty well.
The most memorable dispute we had over this was some time in March - April this year, after coming back from the Hong Kong trip. I disliked the fact that I had to lie and cover up my lies with more lies and wasn't at peace. So I wanted out. I remember feeling terrible back then, crying my eyes out everywhere, on the train, at work, over dinner and poor Saint and Empress had to tahan my outbursts and rants.
Saint said he was being emotionally manipulative and yeah perhaps he was (haha well all I can say is KARMA YO~ because now he is being manipulated by another girl) but then I somehow got persuaded to stay. Remain as status quo. Continue with this close-but-not-together relationship until one of us finds his/her Mr/Ms Right.
Of course, the bright sparks among you will shake your head and think, this is so so so flawed and does not make sense. Someone will get hurt in the end. YES! Of course! And I foolishly thought, ok, better me getting hurt than him, because I don't want to hurt him. Yes yes, I know, but do not question my sanity based on this story, for I am usually quite a rational and balanced individual.
So yada yada things continued merrily along, but as with all relationships, be it friendships or romantic ones, it has to be maintained. It has to work both ways. Effort has to be invested. I don't see it happening in this situation. J is always the complainer, complaining about his work, his job, whatever is happening in his life, and about how suay he is, and I'm always the ever patient (ok sometimes very impatient - I have my limits) listener who tries to empathaize. I am always the one providing assistance, telling him what to do, teaching him how to do it, probing him to do stuff. He on the other hand, seems to take all of this for granted.
Never mind, fine. Even though he irks me to no end sometimes, even though I feel super exasperated at his thick-headedness and indecisiveness, even though I hate his un-gallantness and the fact that he is super uncaring and never bothers to at least show some care and concern towards me, I do all this out of my own free will. Because I thought I still had some shred of feelings for him. The big outpouring of love might have dwindled, but there's still something. Maybe it's not love anymore? But I don't know what it is. The comfort and familiarity?
He changed jobs in September, and things got interesting. From being able to see each other a few times a week, we could never find time to meet. And the thing is he didn't even seem to bother or make an effort to meet. To be fair, I was also pretty busy with my course then.
And all the while, he kept complaining about not meeting girls and the fact that no girls like him (this has been a recurring topic for the 2+ years) - so I said, go to the SDN website and look if you are so desperate. YES! I pushed him to go to SDN! Coz remember my theory? Better that he finds a girl first and finds his happily ever after.
So look he did, and he somehow he chatted this girl up (we shall call her P). They attend the same church, and P was a pretty sociable girl, so pretty soon they were chatting daily on whatsapp. That progressed to meet ups, and within a span of a week of knowing her, he invited her to go to JB.
Ok I gotta explain about JB. I was out shopping with him in the day and then went to play mahjong with his parents after that. It was the long weekend and he was thinking of something interesting to do. So initially it was just me, him and his friend who would drive us up. But over mahjong, he kept whataspping P, and somehow invited P to JB too. (The interesting thing is that prior to this, he thought P ignored him for 3 days because of a joke that he made. And for those 3 days I had to endure his complaints about how P ignored him and how he will never be with a person like her. And then WOAH suddenly, they're good again?) Yup so that is how I ended up on a short evening trip to JB for dinner and a body scrub with J and 2 strangers (in a Mercedes. It's a miracle we were not mugged).
During the JB trip, P somehow managed to guess that I had some shred of feelings for J (that woman must have bionic eyes). So the idiot J said, yes, I'm one of his exes. And I was pretty certain P was interested in J. All this transpired while we 3 were sitting at the spa, whatsapping each other without talking. AWKWARD MUCH.
Yup so where does that leave me? You bring a girl who is interested in you out with a girl who has been steadfastly been by your side for 3 effing years and basically ignore her for the whole journey? Am I supposed to not be jealous and feel gracious here?
By now you should be reading this and thinking that J is SUPER DENSE. Yes that is correct, you are on the right track.
SO. The next day after the awkward outing, I did not even hear a whisper from J at all. What I heard on Monday, was him saying that P confessed her feelings to him. J was now conflicted because he doesn't like her all that much. Says her personality not compatible with his, yada yada, and other excuses which I will mercifully leave out. From what I heard, P basically poured her heart and innermost secrets out to J, and at her most vulnerable, J didn't have the heart to reject her. BUT, he didn't accept her either. He just left her hanging. Do you see some kind of a pattern here? I'm gonna put in one more criteria for my future boyfriend/husband. I HATE WISHY-WASY INDECISIVE GUYS. DUDE. Don't lead a girl on if you are not interested in her.
And also tell me if I am being unreasonable here. You can't even be bothered to text me for the whole entire Sunday to apologize for your shitty behaviour and for putting me in an awkward position for the JB outing, and yet when P said she needed to talk, he drove down to meet her straightaway? His lame excuse is - "morning got church, afternoon had to go Sim Lim to buy stuff, then went home to watch F1, then after that the thing with P happened". WAH you can drive to meet her but you cannot even spend a minute to text me. I am even less important than F1 in his heart. THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW WHERE I STAND. THANKS A LOT.
So the timeline. That was the Monday before my birthday. The next few days all I heard about was P, P and more P. For my birthday dinner, I heard more about P and how he will never accept her because of various reasons. And for the record, up till the day of my birthday, he hasn't told P that he doesn't want to be with her. I believe P was still hoping for her chance and I believe they were still in constant contact via whatsapp.
Told the bugger, BE A MAN AND BE DECISIVE! You better tell her asap, if you don't want to be with her better tell her straight. And he said, ok, I'll tell her on Saturday. So Saturday came and went. No updates. I left for Taiwan that night and in Taiwan, I whatsapped him a few times. NO REPLY. OK, he is purposely avoiding my questions.
When I came back from Taiwan, I found out that he somehow agreed to go overseas with her to celebrate his birthday. Eh. Ok. I thought WE had a plan to celebrate his birthday together? I'm starting to feel cheated and betrayed here. Alarm bells starting to ring.
Then came today. The crux of the plot.
Basically, he somehow got "manipulated" (his own words) by P to be with her and THEY GOT TOGETHER A WEEK AGO. That would be Sunday, the day after I left for Taiwan, the day after he said he would make things clear to her. However, he maintains that he is regretting it and he knows it won't work, he doesn't even like her, and hence he wants out.
*CUE THUNDER AND LIGHTNING*
My question is then, WHY THE HECK ARE YOU WITH HER IF YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE HER OR WANT TO BE WITH HER?! Are you just feeling sympathy for her and somehow mistook it as liking? Or are you so eager to settle down that you just grab any girl that comes by? Are girls toys for you to play with? He cannot answer, basically just saying he was manipulated by her. So basically when a girl cries, hugs you and says stuff like, oh, I really really like you, guys will melt and they will relent. Ooooooookay. Good trick. I am so going to try that on guys next time so that they will drop into my lap like flies.
Honestly I should have seen it coming, the telltale signs were all there. J claims that he doesn't like her, YET his actions prove otherwise - rushing down to meet her when she needs to pour her heart out, letting her cry in his arms, whatsapping daily, meeting up regularly after work, sending her home... IS THIS WHAT A PERSON WHO IS NOT INTERESTED IN ANOTHER PARTY WILL BE DOING I ASK YOU?! You claim that you want to be friends with her first and get to know her better but you doesn't seem to realize that to P this could be signs of courtship.
Then comes the feelings of betrayal. For the past 2.5 years I have been his rock and his support, steadfastly putting up with all his bullshit and crap, and then in the turn of the eye, he can go and get together with another girl. Of course, I should have expected this, I mean what else can you expect in a "no strings attached" kind of relationship? He is free to go, I am free to leave.
But that doesn't mean I can't feel indignant about how easy it is for him to just throw away everything we shared and move on as if nothing ever happened. What a world class asshole.
AND, he is dense enough to not realize that I have been holding out for him for the past 2.5 years and still had feelings for him UNTIL P told him. Please lah. Go and use your brains and think. Which other girl would be stupid enough to put up with your bullshit if they didn't like you?
Apparently, P is now uncomfortable that he shares such a close relationship with me, and forbids him to contact me or meet up with me individually. That is why he has no choice but to tell me about his new relationship status. Because they have been quarrelling about this every time.
Why the hell then J, didn't you tell me right away when you got together with P? Oh, his excuse was that because I was in Taiwan and he didn't want to spoil my trip. But to be honest I already half-suspected during the trip. The signs were there - the ignored messages (apparently she checks his phone), the changed profile picture. I am such a threat to her, wow!
And oh, the audacity. When I asked why don't you meet me face-to-face and talk, he said, what, you expect me to take the train to your house and talk to you at your void deck? ESKEW ME, you can rush down to meet P just one week after knowing her, and you cannot do the same for someone who has been your constant for the past 2.5 years? SERIOUSLY. I'm not even worth a face-to-face talk. It just shows how much I mean to him.
Yes I see all of you out there shaking your heads, thinking, you foolish girl! You have been made use of! I am nothing more than a willing sponge in his eyes, soaking and cleaning up his mess! Yeah, I see that now. Actually, I've seen that a long time ago. Friends around me have been telling me that. But what can I say? I was a willing party. Foolishly willing to settle for less and get into this no-status shit. So yup, I had it coming for a long time. In a way, I was prepared for this. People come into our lives, either as a blessing or a lesson. This one is definitely a lesson. But with hindsight, we can laugh and poke fun at our mistakes and hopefully not repeat them.
In truth I am not even half as hurt as I was in the past. It's like...after all the nonsense that you put me through, nothing can faze me anymore! I'm over wasting tears and energy on this guy. Maybe I'm used to it, maybe I'm numb to it? Yes perhaps the word is INDIFFERENT. I know I have completely reached the stage of getting over him when I feel indifferent towards him. Hurray!
I'm still waiting to feel liberated, for I can finally say that I'M FREE!!! My heart has been freed from enslavery! But hmmm. Liberation is not quite here yet. Maybe moving on will take some time.
Now I'm single (wtf I've always been) and ready to mingle but of course must QC a bit first. My 5 readers out there, if you have any eligible single guy friends who is nothing like the jerk I just mentioned above, please intro LOL. I am a pretty awesome person if I can say so myself LOL.
All I can say is, your loss, J. Entirely your loss. May you get the happiness that you so desire, be it with P or someone else.
[Also the reason I am writing this out here is because I know only a few of you read this. The rest who don't read don't need to know and they probably only know sketchy details anyway. I don't want to spend time during meet ups repeating this story over and over.]
So much for all that planning for the China trip. The planning came to naught. Other things eclipsed the whole essence of going on a holiday - which is essentially to enjoy yourself and give yourself a break, and I achieved none of that. This trip has been the worst trip I've ever taken in my life. In so many ways.
Couldn't believe that initially I was dreading the 17th. I shouldn't even have dreaded the 17th because whatever was meant to happen happened, 17th or not. The heavens are playing tricks on me. It's been a tumultuous 5 weeks. It's upsetting to say the least.
I am trying to salvage something that is already broken beyond repair.
Couldn't believe that initially I was dreading the 17th. I shouldn't even have dreaded the 17th because whatever was meant to happen happened, 17th or not. The heavens are playing tricks on me. It's been a tumultuous 5 weeks. It's upsetting to say the least.
I am trying to salvage something that is already broken beyond repair.
I've been living without my computer for the past 7 days and today, finally, my computer came back to life!!! Got a friend who is well versed in techie stuff to help out and my computer was diagnosed with a dead hard disk. :(
So now I've got an almost spankin' brand new computer, or at least it feels that way. I've replaced the entire hard disk and loaded in the newest Windows 7. My computer is now totally devoid of data and programmes. I have to re-download all my programmes and mourn the loss of all my photos and files in my old hard disk. Very pek cek man. I DIDN'T BACK UP MY FILES!!!! Lesson learnt. Everyone, please go and back up your files NOW!!! (I lost Cambodia photos, Gassy photos, Ichee photos, sob sob!~ :( If I happen to send you photos pls send them to me? Else I'll just have to get the low res photos from Facebook...)
I really hope a miracle happens and some tech guru can recover some of the files in my old hard disk. :(
The stupid computer crash added to the pretty bad week. I'm fretting over this 800-word article that I have yet to write. I'm stuck in the middle of two people - and I have to travel to China to them. There are issues to deal with. I hope next week will be better.
So now I've got an almost spankin' brand new computer, or at least it feels that way. I've replaced the entire hard disk and loaded in the newest Windows 7. My computer is now totally devoid of data and programmes. I have to re-download all my programmes and mourn the loss of all my photos and files in my old hard disk. Very pek cek man. I DIDN'T BACK UP MY FILES!!!! Lesson learnt. Everyone, please go and back up your files NOW!!! (I lost Cambodia photos, Gassy photos, Ichee photos, sob sob!~ :( If I happen to send you photos pls send them to me? Else I'll just have to get the low res photos from Facebook...)
I really hope a miracle happens and some tech guru can recover some of the files in my old hard disk. :(
The stupid computer crash added to the pretty bad week. I'm fretting over this 800-word article that I have yet to write. I'm stuck in the middle of two people - and I have to travel to China to them. There are issues to deal with. I hope next week will be better.
I am Distressed. I lost my beloved pencil! The pencil that I've been using for the past 10 years! This would have been my 11th year with my pencil if not for the fact that is has gone MIA.
My pencil is so iconic that even my cello teacher recognizes it. She would comment that I've been using that same pencil every time I attend lessons. It has seen me through lessons, exams both big and small, Secondary School, JC, University, work...
It has been MIA since Friday but I am still stupidly hopeful that it'll just reappear at work one day. :(
WHERE DID IT GO TO! PENCIL COME BACK TO MEEEEEEEEE!!!!
My pencil is so iconic that even my cello teacher recognizes it. She would comment that I've been using that same pencil every time I attend lessons. It has seen me through lessons, exams both big and small, Secondary School, JC, University, work...
It has been MIA since Friday but I am still stupidly hopeful that it'll just reappear at work one day. :(
WHERE DID IT GO TO! PENCIL COME BACK TO MEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Wahlao this afternoon I suddenly became a call-centre and my phone was ringing off the hook. Thanks to my inexperience in handling such situations, I messed up and I predict that come Monday, I will have to deal with unhappy people who will confirm scold me. Sian. Totally not looking forward to Monday now. :(
Just when I have sufficiently reined in my sadness and grieving... when I'm able to talk about Hamster without bursting into tears... and sometimes go with days of not feeling twinges of heartbreak and sorrow... and I'm able to walk past Hamster's grave and wonder if she's at peace and happy in hamster heaven...
I was telling Yanzz about Hamster's death last morning (we were somehow awake at 6am) and she sent me this song... The song is SO SAD. :( I'm feeling emo again.
I don't think a song has ever made me cry before, but this... this is just too sad... it triggered all the sad emotions again... maybe because I can identify with it.
蔷蔷 by Ella
还记得你喜欢咬著我的手
然后给我你嘴里的球
要我陪你玩丢丢
你喜欢我摸摸你的喧朵
窝在我的身旁没有烦忧
在梦里遨游
好狗狗好狗狗
谢谢你陪妈咪这么久
你并没有离开我
是搬到天堂生活
蔷蔷你要记得我
你不要走丢
快快找到天使
在天堂给我保佑
蔷蔷不要忘了我
还有亲爱的阿姨叔叔和你的朋友
你永远活在记忆中
(蔷蔷~谢谢你)
在天堂给我们保佑
This song is written by Ella (of S.H.E.) for her dog 蔷蔷... who died in a surgery... It's too freaking sad. Very 心酸. This is definitely one song that I cannot put in my MP3 player. Else I will just start tearing up on the train/bus/in public.
And at the same time, I feel pangs of guilt... Hamster did die really suddenly... there was almost no warning signs at all. She was still fine on Saturday when I was cleaning her cage... running around the house in her ball... Apart from a claw was growing too long for her tiny paw everything seemed fine. And then all of a sudden when I came home from work on Monday and wanted to refill her food dish as usual, she was just lying so still under the wheel... When I saw her tiny body lying so still... cold... not moving... I knew she was gone... but I don't know why it was so sudden... I wonder if I was just too dense to notice any signs... I don't even know how long she was lying dead for... I don't know if it's due to my lack of care... but I really did try my best to take care of her as a first-time hamster owner...
I buried Hamster at around 11pm on the Monday night she died. It was heartbreaking, holding her tiny, still and cold body in my palm... her once warm and cuddly self, who always tried to bite my hand when I picked her up... yet the only time when I hold her and she's not biting me is when she's dead. :'( Her tiny little figure looked so, so fragile... broken... Her eyes were like half-open...
My dad dug a hole somewhere in a patch of earth near my void deck. I laid her in her grave... squatted beside the grave and cried like a madwoman while I looked at her motionless self lying on her side in the grave through teary eyes. The tears just kept rolling and rolling down... I probably looked a mess... like some deranged person crouching and sobbing... It wasn't the most perfect nor the most beautiful place to bury her, but I guess we had to make with it. I wish I was like Harry Potter and that I could erect a grave stone that said "Here lies Hamster, my beloved pet, who brought me so much fond memories", like what he did for Dobby. I guess that was the most excruciatingly painful and heartbreaking part... laying her in the grave and then covering her body with earth... :'(
I can't remember the last time I cried so much... till my nose hurt and my eyes were swollen the next day. I remember initially when her arrival came as a shock. And then over two years I grew to love my hamster... I loved watching her run on her wheel... it was just a big blur watching her run... and watching her scurry around... drinking water... peeking her nose out of the cage bars when I walked by... stroking her warm body... rushing to eat her 瓜子 when it was feeding time... nibbling on carrot and apple slices... even her little escapades... like the time she escaped from her cage as a tiny tot and ran into the study room... even now when I walk by her cage, in my mind's eye I see her curled up as a white fluffy ball below her wheel, her favourite sleeping place... Even carrots remind me of her now.
I was growing really fond of the little critter... somehow she wormed her way into my stone cold heart... and we were just celebrating her 2 years' old birthday too... and then she was gone just like that... ;____;
Even my mom, who usually has very little patience for tears, was very nice about it... said that I took good care of her... and that she was old and had to go eventually... even asked me if I wanted another hamster... but I don't want another hamster now... I don't want to replace Hamster so quickly... I want time to remember her...
Hamster's cage still remains untouched... the way it was when she died. I don't know what to do with it. Feels so quiet and empty without her in my life now... I miss the sound of her running on her wheel... She left a gaping hole in my life...
I guess I find some comfort in the knowledge that she would be happy in hamster heaven... enjoying all the 瓜子 and carrots there... playing with other hamster friends... I wonder if she was lonely during the two years I had her... dwarf hamsters aren't really solitary creatures from what I read on the Internet. At least I have all my happy memories with Hamster (and painful ones when she bit me), blurry photos and limited videos to remember her by... she's my first and only pet... she'll always have a very special place in my heart.
Hamster, 你并没有离开我
你只是搬到天堂生活
Hamster, 你要记得我
你永远活在记忆中
*cries buckets*
I was telling Yanzz about Hamster's death last morning (we were somehow awake at 6am) and she sent me this song... The song is SO SAD. :( I'm feeling emo again.
I don't think a song has ever made me cry before, but this... this is just too sad... it triggered all the sad emotions again... maybe because I can identify with it.
蔷蔷 by Ella
还记得你喜欢咬著我的手
然后给我你嘴里的球
要我陪你玩丢丢
你喜欢我摸摸你的喧朵
窝在我的身旁没有烦忧
在梦里遨游
好狗狗好狗狗
谢谢你陪妈咪这么久
你并没有离开我
是搬到天堂生活
蔷蔷你要记得我
你不要走丢
快快找到天使
在天堂给我保佑
蔷蔷不要忘了我
还有亲爱的阿姨叔叔和你的朋友
你永远活在记忆中
(蔷蔷~谢谢你)
在天堂给我们保佑
This song is written by Ella (of S.H.E.) for her dog 蔷蔷... who died in a surgery... It's too freaking sad. Very 心酸. This is definitely one song that I cannot put in my MP3 player. Else I will just start tearing up on the train/bus/in public.
And at the same time, I feel pangs of guilt... Hamster did die really suddenly... there was almost no warning signs at all. She was still fine on Saturday when I was cleaning her cage... running around the house in her ball... Apart from a claw was growing too long for her tiny paw everything seemed fine. And then all of a sudden when I came home from work on Monday and wanted to refill her food dish as usual, she was just lying so still under the wheel... When I saw her tiny body lying so still... cold... not moving... I knew she was gone... but I don't know why it was so sudden... I wonder if I was just too dense to notice any signs... I don't even know how long she was lying dead for... I don't know if it's due to my lack of care... but I really did try my best to take care of her as a first-time hamster owner...
I buried Hamster at around 11pm on the Monday night she died. It was heartbreaking, holding her tiny, still and cold body in my palm... her once warm and cuddly self, who always tried to bite my hand when I picked her up... yet the only time when I hold her and she's not biting me is when she's dead. :'( Her tiny little figure looked so, so fragile... broken... Her eyes were like half-open...
My dad dug a hole somewhere in a patch of earth near my void deck. I laid her in her grave... squatted beside the grave and cried like a madwoman while I looked at her motionless self lying on her side in the grave through teary eyes. The tears just kept rolling and rolling down... I probably looked a mess... like some deranged person crouching and sobbing... It wasn't the most perfect nor the most beautiful place to bury her, but I guess we had to make with it. I wish I was like Harry Potter and that I could erect a grave stone that said "Here lies Hamster, my beloved pet, who brought me so much fond memories", like what he did for Dobby. I guess that was the most excruciatingly painful and heartbreaking part... laying her in the grave and then covering her body with earth... :'(
I can't remember the last time I cried so much... till my nose hurt and my eyes were swollen the next day. I remember initially when her arrival came as a shock. And then over two years I grew to love my hamster... I loved watching her run on her wheel... it was just a big blur watching her run... and watching her scurry around... drinking water... peeking her nose out of the cage bars when I walked by... stroking her warm body... rushing to eat her 瓜子 when it was feeding time... nibbling on carrot and apple slices... even her little escapades... like the time she escaped from her cage as a tiny tot and ran into the study room... even now when I walk by her cage, in my mind's eye I see her curled up as a white fluffy ball below her wheel, her favourite sleeping place... Even carrots remind me of her now.
I was growing really fond of the little critter... somehow she wormed her way into my stone cold heart... and we were just celebrating her 2 years' old birthday too... and then she was gone just like that... ;____;
Even my mom, who usually has very little patience for tears, was very nice about it... said that I took good care of her... and that she was old and had to go eventually... even asked me if I wanted another hamster... but I don't want another hamster now... I don't want to replace Hamster so quickly... I want time to remember her...
Hamster's cage still remains untouched... the way it was when she died. I don't know what to do with it. Feels so quiet and empty without her in my life now... I miss the sound of her running on her wheel... She left a gaping hole in my life...
I guess I find some comfort in the knowledge that she would be happy in hamster heaven... enjoying all the 瓜子 and carrots there... playing with other hamster friends... I wonder if she was lonely during the two years I had her... dwarf hamsters aren't really solitary creatures from what I read on the Internet. At least I have all my happy memories with Hamster (and painful ones when she bit me), blurry photos and limited videos to remember her by... she's my first and only pet... she'll always have a very special place in my heart.
Hamster, 你并没有离开我
你只是搬到天堂生活
Hamster, 你要记得我
你永远活在记忆中
*cries buckets*
ARGH, a few of my K-pop songs just mysteriously vanished from my computer.
And I didn't even realize that they disappeared into the depths of the 110001111010101s for like 2 whole months!!!
Shit man, this sucks!
All the songs from the S singers - SeeYa, SHINHWA (luckily only a few random - but hard to find - songs were lost), Shin Hye Sung, and a few of my Turbo songs are missing too... :( :( *cries a puddle*
I am very upset!!! It took me so long to find all these songs and build up my collection... :(
And I rather belatedly realized that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is to be released THIS SATURDAY. It only struck me when I was striking the days off my calendar at work. In my mind there are still many Saturdays left till the release of the book.
I am slow.
Then I realized that I have no time to read book 5 and 6 before book 7 comes. Damn.
And then I realized again that I won't be at home this Saturday! Shucks. So I can't hole myself up at home and read the book. This means I cannot have any contact with the outside world until I finish the book on like maybe Sunday or something lest I happen to see any spoilers.
And I didn't even realize that they disappeared into the depths of the 110001111010101s for like 2 whole months!!!
Shit man, this sucks!
All the songs from the S singers - SeeYa, SHINHWA (luckily only a few random - but hard to find - songs were lost), Shin Hye Sung, and a few of my Turbo songs are missing too... :( :( *cries a puddle*
I am very upset!!! It took me so long to find all these songs and build up my collection... :(
And I rather belatedly realized that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is to be released THIS SATURDAY. It only struck me when I was striking the days off my calendar at work. In my mind there are still many Saturdays left till the release of the book.
I am slow.
Then I realized that I have no time to read book 5 and 6 before book 7 comes. Damn.
And then I realized again that I won't be at home this Saturday! Shucks. So I can't hole myself up at home and read the book. This means I cannot have any contact with the outside world until I finish the book on like maybe Sunday or something lest I happen to see any spoilers.
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