Not liking the thought of the $795 bag! Rarrrrr >:(

Since you have no friends, I tried to be your friend. Provided you with that listening ear when you quarrelled with her, was emo-ing, and when you broke up again and again.
But time and time again, you have demonstrated that your words can't be trusted. You have also shown exactly how you treat your friends.

First blocked, then unfriended unceremoniously without a word. I'm not a piece of tissue paper to be used and then discarded carelessly.

I've had it with your so-called "friendship", asshole.

11 月1日出生的人

爱情运：
今天出生的人，恋爱大都不平静，也不平凡。因为在这一天出生的人，具有激烈的情感和强而有力的性欲，以及支配欲。
对恋人有时候表现得极为温柔体贴，可是一下子却又变得很残酷；有时候表现得很热情，有时候却又显得极为冷淡。对自己所爱的对象极为忠实，却也很善妒，同时希望对方付出与自己同等深切的感情。

今天出生的寿星，对异性而言，是相当具有魅力的，但是，在开始交往的初期，天蝎座绝对不会轻易泄露他的缺点。不过，千万不要大意， 也许你一直都可以感觉得到，似乎有人在不知不觉中，悄悄的靠近你，直到你察觉，你已经被他掳获了。再也没有人比今天出生的人，具有更巧妙，且更自然的方 法，在不知不觉中去掳获或欺骗他人的心。今天出生的人骄傲自满，这可以从他对周围的人称赞或恭维的话中看出来。他们想要控制所有的人，而且极端厌恶懦弱的 人。想要和今天出生的人好好交往，要有随机应变的智慧，以及强而有力的性格；这样才能获得他那充满精神性以及肉体性的热情爱恋。

Hurhur so I am the type who will sneakily capture your heart without you realizing it. That must be part of my hidden charm that I have yet to discover. But one point is right, I expect the other party to 付出 as much as I do. 我是具有激烈的情感的人ok!

Anyway the asshole has decided to break and patch with his girlfriend for the umpteenth time... whatevs, I don't even take him seriously anymore when he says "It's over". Asshole is someone who cannot stand being lonely, who is so desperate for companionship that when the girl threatens to leave, he will beg her to stay. He thinks that the love he has for her is like, oh-so-great and nobody else can possibly love her and accept her as much as he does. Asshole also on the other hand, complains that he is being treated like a dog, not respected, and cannot stand her princessy and spendthrift ways, among many other things...

As of Christmas Eve, they broke up (for real this time, he says. He even removed her from Facebook so that means he's dead serious!) because she can't stand his hot temper and as of Christmas day, they're back together again! (And yes, he added her back as a Facebook friend. And then blocked me the very next day.)

爱情是这样给你们玩弄的吗？说分就分，说在一起就在一起？超幼稚。

I think they totally deserve each other and they are a perfect match. Even though I hate to say this, but they look compatible (definitely much better than me with him). So continue playing your childish mind games with each other. Of course after all the shit he put me through, I have no intention of wishing them happiness but ok, 做人要适可而止。I cannot be too evil if not I also won't get good karma.

It's been 1.5 months but I'm still feeling very bitter. I've been offloading everything onto a colleague over the past 2 days and constantly bashing the other party. Definitely not the most ideal way and admittedly not the most moralistic way but I do feel marginally better. It's all that hate and disgust in my system that I need to get out.

According to what I read, there are usually 5-7 stages of grief. Shock and disbelief, denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, depression, acceptance. I crashed at the anger, bargaining, guilt, depression stage all at once. I agree, it's a bitter pill to swallow. But I have to learn how to swallow it to move on. Forgive but not forget. Because they are disgusting and they deserve each other.

There has been much talk about it being the end of the world on 21st December. Honestly, I don't mind if the end of the world comes. There's nothing much to look forward to anyway. Work's a drag. My productivity has plunged to an all time low since last month. This month's even worse since nobody's around. My boss wants to talk to me about KPIs tomorrow. I don't even know if I want to continue doing whatever huge plans he has for me.

Everyone has to die some day anyway. I don't mind dying because I have pretty much lived my life the way I wanted. No regrets. Yanzz said that's such a pessimistic way of seeing things and that there's so many things out there for me to do! Skydiving, traveling, running marathons, gaining new experiences - but life still goes on even if we don't do them right? They are just optional items in this irritating thing called life that we have to go through. So what exactly are we living for then?

Not mind dying doesn't mean I want to die. Am not suicidal. But yeah, if we have to die, then we have to die. If a speeding car comes towards me, I am not sure if I will run. Maybe in that moment when you are really gonna die, you will see your life flashing in front of you and you will be seized by panic and fear and then you will run. But yeah I dunno. Anything can happen.

Also met another jerk yesterday whose parting words for me were "Perhaps you can start looking at what you possess first before looking at others."

Ungracious much? The world is filled with unappreciative idiots seriously. Read some story on Facebook about how a guy dumped his fiance for another girl when their wedding was 2 months away. Really disillusioned. Given up hope on men. They can go and screw themselves.

I survived yesterday. It wasn't as bad as I expected if I'm not alone. Except that towards the end of the day I checked Facebook and saw some stuff that spoiled my mood a little.

Heard this song on the radio this morning. Funny how I never really paid much attention to the lyrics despite singing it countless times during KTV.

周杰伦 - 安静

只剩下钢琴陪我谈了一天
睡着的大提琴 安静的旧旧的
我想你已表现的非常明白
我懂我也知道 你没有舍不得

你说你也会难过我不相信
牵著你陪着我 也只是曾经
希望他是真的比我还要爱你
我才会逼自己离开

你要我说多难堪 我根本不想分开
为什么还要我用微笑来带过
我没有这种天份 包容你也接受他
不用担心的太多 我会一直好好过

你已经远远离开 我也会慢慢走开
为什么我连分开都迁就著你
我真的没有天份 安静的没这么快
我会学著放弃你 是因为我太爱你

Morning! It's 12/12/12. Another special date with nothing special going on.

Had the ultimate chillax weekend break away in Bali and witnessed a longtime friend getting married to her true love! Le sigh, so envious! But very happy for her haha :) And more so for myself, desperately needed this break to get away from things and it helped to distract me.

But now I'm back and trying not to sink into a funk again. It's always those moments when you are alone with your deep dark thoughts.

Today's Thought Catalog read (25 Things You Should Know About Love):

"5. It’s so painful to have loved someone once and then never again. Sometimes you’ll wish it never happened just so you didn’t know how good it felt.

7. You will never love someone quite the same way you do the first time.

8. In most cases, this is a good thing. The first time is fucking insane.

22. When you fall in love with someone, be prepared for the possibility that you might hate them one day.

23. You will always have that one ex who will stick in your mind. They’ll feel like a perpetual dull ache in your side."

And another one (Baking For Someone Who Doesn't Love You Anymore):

"Baking isn’t much fun either, when the person you’re baking for will take this thing you’ve spent countless minutes, hours creating, this thing you wanted to perfect, this thing you loved; they will take it and destroy it in seconds and have no idea how much time, how much of yourself you had to sacrifice just for it to exist. Baking is hard, you know? It requires time and patience and muscle and measurements; it requires attention and aspiration and that’s why you shouldn’t bake for someone who no longer loves you."

Last night saw a huge quarrel and I was accused of being judgmental. The reason he called was probably to seek a listening ear from a friend, and not to be criticized. And I admit my tone wasn't very friendly when speaking to him.

Can't help it, every time I talk to him I start to rage. He already has someone, and yet he is telling me stuff like how she doesn't love him the way he wants, how he doesn't think he will marry her but he is holding back from a clean break up with her because he is scared of being lonely, he needs companionship and comfort, and basically he thinks if he lets her go, he will remain single forever and will never be able to find someone else that will love him because he is a guy full of love and he NEEDS somebody to love and love him back. He says that hardly anybody ever enters his life so when someone comes along, he is really eager to make it work. (That's probably why I got dropped like a hot potato when that someone else entered his life.)

Then I get angry because I think about because of the hurt he caused to me and the best part is that he doesn't even realize the damage he inflicted. I start to get all vindictive and malicious and bitter and evil thoughts of not wishing him well start to surface because I think he doesn't even deserve any happiness. He has someone who loves him, I have no one. All his life he had people liking him and crushing on him; he had 2 exes (I'm not an ex coz I was never his gf), now he has her, and he dares to say that he is scared that he can't find anyone in future? That's dumb. I lived 24 years of my life perfectly well without anyone and I survived. Not haeving someone won't make you die please.

And if you are only going to tell me certain bits of the story and not the full picture, why fly into a rage when I form my opinion based on what I know? I don't think I'm being judgmental here.

So why am I still talking to him? Well I don't know. Partly because I think I'm masochistic and I have this need to find out how he is doing and what's happening in his life. But now, after that huge quarrel, he declared to never call me again because all he got was judgement, my very tainted view of things and doubt (because I feel that I cannot trust what he says anymore). He is mad because I still don't know his real personality after so long (I thought I did... but after what happened in recent weeks... no I seriously don't). I sent an apology text, but as usual was ignored. Even if I wanted to talk to him, he is not picking up my calls, so I think he means it this time round.

Saint says I need to figure out what I want out from this. If I want to continue being friends with him then I will have to stop judging him and forgive him for everything that he has done in the past and move on. Stop having any prejudice against him and be the reassuring listening ear, friend and confidante that he needs. Am I able to do that? Honestly still not sure. But since he now wants nothing to do with me, there's nothing else that I can do. For someone who tries to put in effort and holds friendships close to my heart, of course it hurts that I am now nothing but a an irritating pest in his life. I hate having people walk out of my life especially if we were close. But what to do?

We shall just let things be.

@$!*&@*#%@*%@

SHIT this is not working... I end up stalking the girlfriend's Facebook page instead.

Then I see some status update - "P is with J" and that dagger in my heart twists itself again.

SOMEBODY STOP ME FROM GOING DOWN THIS SELF DESTRUCTIVE SLIPPERY PATH PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reality is like an in-your-face, unwelcome kick in the ass.
Reality hurts, but it's time to face it and accept it.

The simple truth is that:
1) He loves her
2) He never loved me, he only kept me close because he liked the feeling of being loved, wanted companionship and was scared of being lonely. And therefore the last 2.5 years of my life was nothing but a lie (also, thank you for ruining my memories)
3) He doesn't need me in his life except when his life is shitty and he needs a listening ear
4) He is moving on perfectly well with his life even without me in it

Also, I was most unceremoniously wiped out as his Facebook friend. Which I suppose has its own silver lining because that means I can no longer stalk him.

Trying to chill and not think about this asshole and his ridiculous actions. How he always says something but doesn't mean it or doesn't act on it. He is looking for agape love. I admit I don't know the concept of agape love but I gave selflessly and unconditionally (refer to the famous 1 Crointhians 13:4-8 verse). He got it, took it for granted, but cannot reciprocate. "Religion makes up 50% of the relationship," he says. "It is half the battle won." That's why with her, she already has that 50% in the bag.

Not to mention the unspeakable things that they did. Very very disappointing. I thought he was worth more than that. Thinking about it makes my blood boil. Ok chill chill chill.

I'm going for a strawberry shortcake baking class soon, gotta run.

Epic epic mind blowing conversation yesterday. Again all the hurt and betrayal started coming back, just when I had managed to somewhat shut myself out of it.

Lots of whys, hows, whens, and still, WHY?????? Why do it? WHY??!?!?!?!

It's hypocritical behaviour, especially based on what you said in the past, no amount of justification will right it, and I've effectively lost all respect for you. So it turned from pity, to like to love? Go and do whatever the shit you want with your girlfriend then.

This is going to be one of my life principles from now. Don't ever come into my life if all you are going to do in the end is to leave.

November has been too much of an angsty month. >:(

Another Thought Catalog article - You Don't Hate Your Ex's New Significant Other, You Hate Your Ex

"There is an awful tendency we have as humans to excuse even the most egregious misdeeds in the people we love. When combined with our propensity towards jealousy and insecurity, it makes for an extremely unpleasant display of our more reptilian brain. When we are cheated on, for example, it is often easier to direct the more brutal edge of your hatred towards the “other person,” rather than taking a painful look at the person you love and who you thought loved you just as much. We direct our anger in the only way it can go that doesn’t require directly calling into question our relationship.

And when you lose someone you love, when you feel as though you were kicked out of a home you considered your own for so long, few things are more painful than to see your love being happy with someone new. Especially if you were left for this new person, but even if their romance started some time after the fact, it feels as though someone has moved into our territory and planted their flag with no thought as to who may have been there first. We built so much into this person, this person we considered ours for so long, is now perfectly content without us. While our happiness is still almost fully dependent on the whims of someone else, they seem to have forgotten we exist.

We remember them as is easiest and most comfortable, at their best. No one wants to think that they loved someone so much who wasn’t kind, who didn’t care about us, who didn’t need us as we did them. It is more pleasant to paint them in the most gentle, flattering portrait, excusing every flaw they may have had and the fact that we were only too happy to want them in spite of it. This new person — a person who is as much a mystery to us as our ex is a known entity — has no rich history that needs to be explained away to justify their new behavior. You don’t love them, you don’t wish they loved you, and they offer only a great threat to your happiness.

It is easy to turn them into a monster. You can assume the worst and risk nothing when it comes to your own relationship. You stand to gain nothing by being friends with them, by being kind, by giving them the benefit of the doubt. While there is still an ugly, jealous part of you that wants the person back who so brutally left you — or at least for them to tell you they still love you so you can do the rejecting this time — there is no part of you that yearns for the approval of their new love. In fact, it’s easiest if they hate you. It allows you to further your dislike of them, to place more of the blame on them, to call them crazy and assume no responsibility.

But we don’t really hate them. We don’t even know them. Hell, chances are that we’d probably really like them if we got to know them. They are not some soulless demon who wormed its way into your love’s life to ruin yours. They are a human being with an actual heart, who is capable of seeing the same wonderful things we once did in the person we loved. The truth is that we are simply hurt, every inch of our pride battered by our ex’s ability to just toss us aside and ostensibly recreate all that was so unique to us with someone who doesn’t resemble us at all. And this pain, this fractured pride, has nowhere tangible to go except directly to the person who is perhaps least deserving. We don’t want to yell, we want to cry. We want to be held, to be told that we’re still worth loving even if the person whom we love the most doesn’t think so anymore.

It may be the hardest thing to do, but it is crucial to remind ourselves at every step that no matter how much your broken heart wants to convince you of hating a stranger, they are not who we are angry with. We are angry with our ex, and maybe even ourselves a bit for having let them get away. But the truth is, hating a third party will not bring your ex back — and even if it did, would you really want it? Would you want to be a love only worth keeping once you’ve played around and had your fill of something else? There is nothing to be gained from being cruel, from perpetuating the cycle of hurt feelings and misdirected anger. Hate-reading a Facebook page to find out everything you can possibly dislike about someone only wears on your own heart, and turning into someone petty enough to do it will never make someone love you again."

Why do you have to tell me things like how you spent $77 on a couple ring and that yours is engraved "God is Good" and hers says "All The Time"?

I was never even treated so nicely or even like a girlfriend in the past. What's the point of telling me this? To make me angrier issit?

NOT INTERESTED WITH WHATEVER YOU DO WITH HER.

Taylor Swift - Back To December



I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life? Tell me, how's your family?
I haven't seen them in a while

You've been good, busier than ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up, and I know why

Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses, and I left them there to die

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December all the time

These days, I haven't been sleeping
Staying up, playing back myself leaving
When your birthday passed, and I didn't call

Then I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side
And realized I loved you in the fall

And then the cold came, the dark days
When fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love, and all I gave you was goodbye

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night
The first time you ever saw me cry

Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right

I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't
So if the chain is on your door, I understand

This is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time, all the time

I'm feeling really pissed and hurt and betrayed and bitter and and broken and disappointed and I dunno what else now.

So, I wrote a long grandmother email to him basically accusing him of lots of things and in his words - "you want your face-to-face, here's your face-to-face". So I met him last night.

I got my answers, but I also gained several new revelations.

1) He basically stopped having any feelings for me for a while. Possibly dating back to August, September, or who knows, maybe even earlier? Things felt "different" he said, especially after he changed jobs we kind of drifted, and then I understood why he was able to jump so readily into another relationship in the turn of the eye without even giving time for the old one to die off. How he was able to move on so easily, how he could completely disregard how I feel. BECAUSE TO HIM IT HAS ALREADY DIED OFF LONG AGO. At first I was hurt that he didn't even respect the relationship enough to at least not jump into another girl's arms immediately but of course, now I realize there was already nothing there to him from a long time ago.

Of course, it feels like shit to know that all this while I have been loving someone who doesn't love me at all.

2) He thought I didn't love him 100% or love him so much to think that we had a future together. He thought I didn't love him because I never expressed myself (verbally) my love for him, unlike his girlfriend. He was so sure that I didn't have any feelings for him because he couldn't feel anything from me. When his girlfriend observed that I still had feelings for him during the JB trip, he told his her "Definitely not, impossible". To him it's like, he has always been the one initiating most conversations, he's been the one calling me (that's true), hence he thought I was no longer interested.

WELL. HE IS VERY WRONG. When I expressed myself verbally, it was met with no replies or nonchalance. Since my verbal expressions were not reciprocated, I gradually stopped doing it. However, I expressed myself through ACTIONS. Actions speak louder than words, or so I thought. I may be passive but I have always been there for him, silently by his side offering him the support he needs. I ask about his well-being, I show care and concern about his life and the things happening around him, I show him physical affection, I made special trips down to his office to meet him for lunch, I buy stuff that he needs. (This article here expresses very well how I feel about him: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/how-i-know-i-love-you/) Apparently all this does not constitue liking or love, he thinks normal friends are also capable of doing stuff like that. So he is dense and dumb and superficial. It is no wonder that he got so easily swayed to be with his girlfriend because she is able to say things that he wants to hear.

3) Since I was the one who pushed him to go to SDN, he thought I would be happy for him when he found someone (also me encouraging him to go meet more girls was a clear sign to him that I no longer liked him - ok, can't argue with that). He did not expect me to feel so hurt and upset and betrayed now that he found someone. Also, we had many talks along the years about the future, like how I was free to go if I found someone else, and it was obvious that his future did not include me in it. Which is fair. These were the parameters set right at the start.

I didn't know this "no future" thing was so important to him that basically it affected the way he treated me. Because it's like since there's no future, then there's no point anyway, so no need 100%. This "no future" thing is used to justify everything. "No future", so it would have ended sooner or later anyway. "No future", so I could never see you as a potential partner. Why the fuck did he even lead me on for so long if there was "no future"? Yup so you, being perfectly logical and rational, would ask why did you stick with him for so long since there was "no future"? Honestly I have no direct answer to that. It could be (a) I believed as long as there was love, it doesn't matter what the future holds, or (b) I was insecure and as soon as some one paid some bit of attention to me, I clung onto him and didn't want to let go.

And to think all this while I was nothing but sincere and geniune to him, giving my very best. He was the one who begged me to stay when I wanted to leave early this year. I was conflicted, but decided to stay because it killed me to hurt him. Dammit, I even tried to make him feel more secure and assured him I wouldn't leave because he was insecure that I would bolt anyway. Now the tables are turned, he can say that he didn't feel I love him, and he is the one leaving and ruthlessly ditching me. All I wanted was for him to acknowledge my effort and love. What can I say right. I played with fire and got burnt badly. Handed him the knife and allowed him stab me with it.

4) So apparently the reason he is with his girlfriend now despite not liking her all that much is because she can give him the spiritual connection that he needs. Or rather, wants. He likes it that he can attend church with her, discuss about the sermon with her, talk to her about God and other Christianly stuff - that's a connection that he wants to be able to share with his partner. Because of this connection, he is able to see her as a potential life partner, as a wife. Being with her is different, compared to being with me. He said going out with her makes him feel like he is with a wife, because she thinks of him and asks him to try clothes on when they go shopping (oh right and I don't think of you and accommodate you all the time?) And seriously I had no bloody idea that he wanted all this. Honestly, he didn't even strike me as the very religious type. He didn't even talk to me about his religious beliefs (probably because he thinks I don't understand since I'm not a Christian). Worse, I thought we shared a connection but I guess that wasn't the type of connection he wanted. At the end of the day he was never able to see me as something more because I was never able to satisfy him in this aspect. So that's what she has that I don't. That's what's she was able to give him that I can't. Pretty earth-shattering revelation. Knowing that kinda sucks.

Also I guess he thinks I'm not worth it to put in the effort to try and overcome this barrier of ours.

So I guess that's it. 2.5 years of my feelings down the drain just like that. 拍拍屁股就走人。 He said he doesn't want to lead me on anymore and wants me to move on. And for me to move on, he will stop contacting me, stop burdening me with his problems, and withdraw from my life.

I'm finding a bit hard to move on to be honest. I'm too used to having him in my life. I'm like turning into this psychotic stalker with an overactive imagination and constantly obssessing about him. I want to think that this is breaking him apart just like how it is breaking me, that this is just as hard for him, but no? It seems like he is perfectly fine? (Right. He already has another girl to lick his wounds.) It's like every single thing I do I get reminded of him? Every place you go to is flooded with memories of him? How do you move on from something like that?

Also another takeaway point is that I am too damn nice. Being nice gets you no where. Being aggressive gets you what you want. Like his girlfriend P. She's aggressive and she got what she wanted.

Sucks being alone and surrounded with negative thoughts. Even though I've had a 4-day weekend, I really don't feel like going back to work tomorrow.

Sigh what can I say. The road to recovery is long and hard. :'(

HIMYM Season 8 Episode 5

Ted proposed to Victoria. Victoria issued him an ultimatum - if she marries him, he cannot remain friends with Robin.

Ted to Lily and Marshall: I can't imagine life without Robin, but she'll never be in love with me. She'll never be my wife, she'll never be the person I grow old with. Victoria... Victoria could be.

***

Ted to Victoria: I'm not in love with Robin, but she's like family to me and I can't end that. So... can you accept that?

Victoria: I really hope you get her some day.

Poor Ted.

HIMYM Season 8 Epsiode 6

Robin thinks Nick is dumb and wants to break up with him but she keeps getting distracted by his hot abs or keeps procrastinating. After hearing yet another failed break-up attempt over the speaker phone, Barney rushes over to the cafe where they are at.

Barney to Nick and Robin: She can't go home with you Nick, because Robin and I are in love. I love her, Nick. I love everything about her. And I'm not a guy who says that lightly - I'm a guy who has faked love his entire life. I thought love was just something idiots thought they felt. But this woman has a hold on my heart that I could not break if I wanted to. And there have been times that I wanted to. It has been - overwhelming, and humbling, and even painful at times. But I could not stop loving her any more than I could stop breathing. I am hopelessly, irretrievably in love with her - more than she knows.

Bravo Barney. Even if you did pretend that you were faking it afterwards. I am all for Barney and Robin! But yes, poor Ted. I feel a bit like Ted sometimes. Sometimes I watch HIMYM and see bits of my life staring right back at me. How do ex-lovers remain close friends? They just get tangled up in each other's life and things get complicated.

Anyway bear with me here while my blog gets filled with emo, angsty, self-pitying, self-loathing, self-deprecating posts from time to time for the next few days/weeks/months.

Some quotes that I got off from Twitter that I've amassed over the years. They are like mini bowls of Chicken Soup for the Soul lol.

"How do you look at the boy you love and tell yourself it's time to walk away?"

"When you come to matter in someone's life, it's unfair to just up and go as and when you please."

"Don't ever beg someone you love to love you back. It's pathetic. Just leave them. That is how you hold your pride."

"While I was holding on, all you did was let go."

"I guess the reason why I held on for this long is because I thought we would one day get our second chance."

"When you love someone and you're insecure, you cling." - omg I think I'm completely like that. I clung on to a toxic relationship when somebody paid attention to me because no one else ever did and you think no one else ever will.

"Moving on is not forgetting. Moving on is actually accepting. The truth is when you loved someone, you will love them forever. When you see this person again there's no feeling of hurt or anger or wanting. That's when you know you moved on."

And speaking of moving on, this is a very good article - What Moving On Is Like - from Thought Catalog. Extracts -  

"Moving on is like this: one day you forget the taste. The next, you forget the smell. Then the touch. Then the laugh. Then the smile. Then the jokes. Then the eyes, the hair, the hands, the feet. You forget the socks. You forget the fingers, the toes, the sex. You forget the pulses, the beats, the rhythms and how you sometimes felt like they all belonged to you. You forget the words; finally, you forget the voice that spoke them.

Moving on is when you think about him and don’t punish yourself for it, when he begins to evoke more of a scientific response than an emotional one."

I will get there!!!

It amazes me that some people's feelings can be switched on and off like a tap.

For 2.5 years you don't feel guilty and then after that night at JB you suddenly feel guilty about leading me on and hence decided to not like me anymore? WTF. OK. Well done.

I know I shouldn't care about this anymore but it doesn't feel good to know that you told the other girl that you have no more feelings for me. It's like I didn't even mean anything to you.

Unfortunately it is not so easy for me. The scars on my knees and elbow. Every time I look at it I get reminded of you.

OK I gotta get this out when I'm still feeling all charged up.

This is going to be a long story.

It all started way back in 2010, when I was briefly together with this person, whom for the purposes of this post, we shall call J.

J and I were only "officially" - and not even that officially because it was a 偷偷摸摸地下情 - together for about a month then the whole China shebang happened.

But frankly, with the benefit of hindsight, this relationship was doomed right from the start. We both knew nothing good could happen out of it since I didn't subscribe to his religious beliefs and this was a "hard rule" for him. But for whatever reason - youth? impulsiveness? the itch to give something a try? - took over and it lasted way longer than it should.

By that I meant it should have ended right after we came back from China. And I did believe it could have ended there, if not for the fact that I went begging for forgiveness (wtf I also dunno what I did that needs forgiving). Ah, if only I had that little bit more 骨气.

But well you know, they say pride takes second place if you love somebody and at that point in time I thought I did.

J couldn't acknowledge me as his girlfriend, so it dragged on in a neither-here-nor-there state for the next 2 years. Popular culture calls it "friends with benefits" without the sex but I prefer the term "relationship of convenience". It sounds classier LOL. We were treading dangerously on the line between platonic friendship and something deeper.

Of course, the 2 years from mid-2010 to early 2012 weren't all breezy, and most of the time I was struggling with this... state of limbo. Wanting more but never being able to get it. Having to be contented with whatever I can get. Other times I was perfectly happy with the things were. No need to plan my life around another person or to be accountable to them. A low-fuss "relationship" that doesn't interefere with my life. When it's convenient, we get together. When it's not, we do our own thing. It suited my lifestyle pretty well.

The most memorable dispute we had over this was some time in March - April this year, after coming back from the Hong Kong trip. I disliked the fact that I had to lie and cover up my lies with more lies and wasn't at peace. So I wanted out. I remember feeling terrible back then, crying my eyes out everywhere, on the train, at work, over dinner and poor Saint and Empress had to tahan my outbursts and rants.

Saint said he was being emotionally manipulative and yeah perhaps he was (haha well all I can say is KARMA YO~ because now he is being manipulated by another girl) but then I somehow got persuaded to stay. Remain as status quo. Continue with this close-but-not-together relationship until one of us finds his/her Mr/Ms Right.

Of course, the bright sparks among you will shake your head and think, this is so so so flawed and does not make sense. Someone will get hurt in the end. YES! Of course! And I foolishly thought, ok, better me getting hurt than him, because I don't want to hurt him. Yes yes, I know, but do not question my sanity based on this story, for I am usually quite a rational and balanced individual.

So yada yada things continued merrily along, but as with all relationships, be it friendships or romantic ones, it has to be maintained. It has to work both ways. Effort has to be invested. I don't see it happening in this situation. J is always the complainer, complaining about his work, his job, whatever is happening in his life, and about how suay he is, and I'm always the ever patient (ok sometimes very impatient - I have my limits) listener who tries to empathaize. I am always the one providing assistance, telling him what to do, teaching him how to do it, probing him to do stuff. He on the other hand, seems to take all of this for granted.

Never mind, fine. Even though he irks me to no end sometimes, even though I feel super exasperated at his thick-headedness and indecisiveness, even though I hate his un-gallantness and the fact that he is super uncaring and never bothers to at least show some care and concern towards me, I do all this out of my own free will. Because I thought I still had some shred of feelings for him. The big outpouring of love might have dwindled, but there's still something. Maybe it's not love anymore? But I don't know what it is. The comfort and familiarity?

He changed jobs in September, and things got interesting. From being able to see each other a few times a week, we could never find time to meet. And the thing is he didn't even seem to bother or make an effort to meet. To be fair, I was also pretty busy with my course then.

And all the while, he kept complaining about not meeting girls and the fact that no girls like him (this has been a recurring topic for the 2+ years) - so I said, go to the SDN website and look if you are so desperate. YES! I pushed him to go to SDN! Coz remember my theory? Better that he finds a girl first and finds his happily ever after.

So look he did, and he somehow he chatted this girl up (we shall call her P). They attend the same church, and P was a pretty sociable girl, so pretty soon they were chatting daily on whatsapp. That progressed to meet ups, and within a span of a week of knowing her, he invited her to go to JB.

Ok I gotta explain about JB. I was out shopping with him in the day and then went to play mahjong with his parents after that. It was the long weekend and he was thinking of something interesting to do. So initially it was just me, him and his friend who would drive us up. But over mahjong, he kept whataspping P, and somehow invited P to JB too. (The interesting thing is that prior to this, he thought P ignored him for 3 days because of a joke that he made. And for those 3 days I had to endure his complaints about how P ignored him and how he will never be with a person like her. And then WOAH suddenly, they're good again?) Yup so that is how I ended up on a short evening trip to JB for dinner and a body scrub with J and 2 strangers (in a Mercedes. It's a miracle we were not mugged).

During the JB trip, P somehow managed to guess that I had some shred of feelings for J (that woman must have bionic eyes). So the idiot J said, yes, I'm one of his exes. And I was pretty certain P was interested in J. All this transpired while we 3 were sitting at the spa, whatsapping each other without talking. AWKWARD MUCH.

Yup so where does that leave me? You bring a girl who is interested in you out with a girl who has been steadfastly been by your side for 3 effing years and basically ignore her for the whole journey? Am I supposed to not be jealous and feel gracious here?

By now you should be reading this and thinking that J is SUPER DENSE. Yes that is correct, you are on the right track.

SO. The next day after the awkward outing, I did not even hear a whisper from J at all. What I heard on Monday, was him saying that P confessed her feelings to him. J was now conflicted because he doesn't like her all that much. Says her personality not compatible with his, yada yada, and other excuses which I will mercifully leave out. From what I heard, P basically poured her heart and innermost secrets out to J, and at her most vulnerable, J didn't have the heart to reject her. BUT, he didn't accept her either. He just left her hanging. Do you see some kind of a pattern here? I'm gonna put in one more criteria for my future boyfriend/husband. I HATE WISHY-WASY INDECISIVE GUYS. DUDE. Don't lead a girl on if you are not interested in her.

And also tell me if I am being unreasonable here. You can't even be bothered to text me for the whole entire Sunday to apologize for your shitty behaviour and for putting me in an awkward position for the JB outing, and yet when P said she needed to talk, he drove down to meet her straightaway? His lame excuse is - "morning got church, afternoon had to go Sim Lim to buy stuff, then went home to watch F1, then after that the thing with P happened". WAH you can drive to meet her but you cannot even spend a minute to text me. I am even less important than F1 in his heart. THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW WHERE I STAND. THANKS A LOT.

So the timeline. That was the Monday before my birthday. The next few days all I heard about was P, P and more P. For my birthday dinner, I heard more about P and how he will never accept her because of various reasons. And for the record, up till the day of my birthday, he hasn't told P that he doesn't want to be with her. I believe P was still hoping for her chance and I believe they were still in constant contact via whatsapp.

Told the bugger, BE A MAN AND BE DECISIVE! You better tell her asap, if you don't want to be with her better tell her straight. And he said, ok, I'll tell her on Saturday. So Saturday came and went. No updates. I left for Taiwan that night and in Taiwan, I whatsapped him a few times. NO REPLY. OK, he is purposely avoiding my questions.

When I came back from Taiwan, I found out that he somehow agreed to go overseas with her to celebrate his birthday. Eh. Ok. I thought WE had a plan to celebrate his birthday together? I'm starting to feel cheated and betrayed here. Alarm bells starting to ring.

Then came today. The crux of the plot.

Basically, he somehow got "manipulated" (his own words) by P to be with her and THEY GOT TOGETHER A WEEK AGO. That would be Sunday, the day after I left for Taiwan, the day after he said he would make things clear to her. However, he maintains that he is regretting it and he knows it won't work, he doesn't even like her, and hence he wants out.

*CUE THUNDER AND LIGHTNING*

My question is then, WHY THE HECK ARE YOU WITH HER IF YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE HER OR WANT TO BE WITH HER?! Are you just feeling sympathy for her and somehow mistook it as liking? Or are you so eager to settle down that you just grab any girl that comes by? Are girls toys for you to play with? He cannot answer, basically just saying he was manipulated by her. So basically when a girl cries, hugs you and says stuff like, oh, I really really like you, guys will melt and they will relent. Ooooooookay. Good trick. I am so going to try that on guys next time so that they will drop into my lap like flies.

Honestly I should have seen it coming, the telltale signs were all there. J claims that he doesn't like her, YET his actions prove otherwise - rushing down to meet her when she needs to pour her heart out, letting her cry in his arms, whatsapping daily, meeting up regularly after work, sending her home... IS THIS WHAT A PERSON WHO IS NOT INTERESTED IN ANOTHER PARTY WILL BE DOING I ASK YOU?! You claim that you want to be friends with her first and get to know her better but you doesn't seem to realize that to P this could be signs of courtship.

Then comes the feelings of betrayal. For the past 2.5 years I have been his rock and his support, steadfastly putting up with all his bullshit and crap, and then in the turn of the eye, he can go and get together with another girl. Of course, I should have expected this, I mean what else can you expect in a "no strings attached" kind of relationship? He is free to go, I am free to leave.

But that doesn't mean I can't feel indignant about how easy it is for him to just throw away everything we shared and move on as if nothing ever happened. What a world class asshole.

AND, he is dense enough to not realize that I have been holding out for him for the past 2.5 years and still had feelings for him UNTIL P told him. Please lah. Go and use your brains and think. Which other girl would be stupid enough to put up with your bullshit if they didn't like you?

Apparently, P is now uncomfortable that he shares such a close relationship with me, and forbids him to contact me or meet up with me individually. That is why he has no choice but to tell me about his new relationship status. Because they have been quarrelling about this every time.

Why the hell then J, didn't you tell me right away when you got together with P? Oh, his excuse was that because I was in Taiwan and he didn't want to spoil my trip. But to be honest I already half-suspected during the trip. The signs were there - the ignored messages (apparently she checks his phone), the changed profile picture. I am such a threat to her, wow!

And oh, the audacity. When I asked why don't you meet me face-to-face and talk, he said, what, you expect me to take the train to your house and talk to you at your void deck? ESKEW ME, you can rush down to meet P just one week after knowing her, and you cannot do the same for someone who has been your constant for the past 2.5 years? SERIOUSLY. I'm not even worth a face-to-face talk. It just shows how much I mean to him.

Yes I see all of you out there shaking your heads, thinking, you foolish girl! You have been made use of! I am nothing more than a willing sponge in his eyes, soaking and cleaning up his mess! Yeah, I see that now. Actually, I've seen that a long time ago. Friends around me have been telling me that. But what can I say? I was a willing party. Foolishly willing to settle for less and get into this no-status shit. So yup, I had it coming for a long time. In a way, I was prepared for this. People come into our lives, either as a blessing or a lesson. This one is definitely a lesson. But with hindsight, we can laugh and poke fun at our mistakes and hopefully not repeat them.

In truth I am not even half as hurt as I was in the past. It's like...after all the nonsense that you put me through, nothing can faze me anymore! I'm over wasting tears and energy on this guy. Maybe I'm used to it, maybe I'm numb to it? Yes perhaps the word is INDIFFERENT. I know I have completely reached the stage of getting over him when I feel indifferent towards him. Hurray!

I'm still waiting to feel liberated, for I can finally say that I'M FREE!!! My heart has been freed from enslavery! But hmmm. Liberation is not quite here yet. Maybe moving on will take some time.

Now I'm single (wtf I've always been) and ready to mingle but of course must QC a bit first. My 5 readers out there, if you have any eligible single guy friends who is nothing like the jerk I just mentioned above, please intro LOL. I am a pretty awesome person if I can say so myself LOL.

All I can say is, your loss, J. Entirely your loss. May you get the happiness that you so desire, be it with P or someone else.



[Also the reason I am writing this out here is because I know only a few of you read this. The rest who don't read don't need to know and they probably only know sketchy details anyway. I don't want to spend time during meet ups repeating this story over and over.]

Why are human beings made to be put through such torture?

It's time to stop thinking that you care, because you never did.