The predicted End of the World came and went, and we're still alive. It is, to be honest, a little disappointing. But well, we have reached the end of 2012, that time when we all start to reflect and take stock of the year's happenings. Every year I write a post summarizing what I did and the more significant experiences I went through. So here's my scorecard for this year.

Overall, I think the lows outweighed the highs this year; Q4 was particularly shitty.

Career
No breakthrough, didn't get my promotion, still in the same job, not sure where I am heading towards. Although I did complete a Project Management course, I'm not sure if that's what I want to do. Basically, the whole building and construction industry does not interest me. I guess this is a LOW for me.

Love
Definitely a down-in-the-pits, deep-in-the-valley kind of LOW. Too much has been said about this. All the wasted time and effort and feelings invested. My eyes, small as they are, have widened; my once giving heart has closed. Occasional bouts of bitterness and negativity still creep up on me every now and then, but it's amazing how fast you have moved on. W said 我放不下，我不甘心，因为付出了还是得不到他。So 2013 better be the year where I let go and move forward. I may end up not entering another relationship ever again, but I need to clear such vermin out of my life. Flush the toxins away!

Health
Not great, I think I developed a cough at least 3 times this year, worst of which was the terrible bout of allergic cough that lasted for 1.5 months. Recently, I've got this boil/pimple/cyst? growing in a sensitive area. Spent so much money on the doctor this year. Le sigh. Well, the silver lining is that I lost some weight, hopefully can maintain. I guess neither a HIGH nor LOW.

Wealth
This one is like a perpetual LOW for me every year since I'm always broke with neither pay raise or promotion in sight. Hahahaha.

Friends
患难见真情。Very thankful to all my friends for all the encouragement and comfort during those difficult weeks. Special thanks to Ade and Shan for the whatsapp chats and offering a listening ear, Karen my MSN buddy for listening and understanding, the Royalties especially the long suffering Gillian who has to bear with my random outbursts, petty complains, rants whenever drama strikes, Viber calls late at night (guess this is when the time difference works in my favour hahaha), and W for the mutual bashing of the asshole. Haha. Who needs guys when you have awesome friends right? HIGH!

Travels
Didn't travel far, instead I took plenty of short trips around the region this year. Hong Kong/Macau in Feb, KL/Genting in June, Kota Kinabalu and then Langkawi in July, Taipei/Taichung in Nov and Bali in Dec. Short trips are a pretty nice way of recharging and getting away from Life. Should probably do more of such trips if the budget allows. So well, I guess a HIGH for having the chance to travel, minus some points for some of the travels which involved the jerk.
I have no concrete travel plans for next year though. Possibly a diving trip and Nepal, but details are still pretty sketchy.

Other Milestones
This one is definitely a HIGH - climbing Mount Kinabalu and making it to the peak! Likewise another HIGH would be completing my first half marathon, and a couple of 10km runs! Also tried out Salsa classes. Hmmm. Seems like I'm the type who needs to have a goal to work towards. Else life gets pretty blah.

Hobby-wise, I think I'm improving on the baking. In other news, a lot also happened to the people around me this year - new relationships, engagements, getting a new home, relocating, losing loved ones... etc. And I haven't seen one of my best friends in 6 months! :( Point is, everyone has their own life and shit to deal with, and that's why I'm grateful for all the friends who have rallied around me in times of need.

I guess if I look back and scrutinize, pretty life changing stuff happened in 2012, one of the more impactful years in recent memory. Even-numbered years weren't that great for me so let's hope 2013 will bring lots of better things (like a new job?).

Gonna start it off the year with a bang by having an awesome KTV session with the pals! :) Gotta run, am late!!! :x

Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Since you have no friends, I tried to be your friend. Provided you with that listening ear when you quarrelled with her, was emo-ing, and when you broke up again and again.
But time and time again, you have demonstrated that your words can't be trusted. You have also shown exactly how you treat your friends.

First blocked, then unfriended unceremoniously without a word. I'm not a piece of tissue paper to be used and then discarded carelessly.

I've had it with your so-called "friendship", asshole.

11 月1日出生的人

爱情运：
今天出生的人，恋爱大都不平静，也不平凡。因为在这一天出生的人，具有激烈的情感和强而有力的性欲，以及支配欲。
对恋人有时候表现得极为温柔体贴，可是一下子却又变得很残酷；有时候表现得很热情，有时候却又显得极为冷淡。对自己所爱的对象极为忠实，却也很善妒，同时希望对方付出与自己同等深切的感情。

今天出生的寿星，对异性而言，是相当具有魅力的，但是，在开始交往的初期，天蝎座绝对不会轻易泄露他的缺点。不过，千万不要大意， 也许你一直都可以感觉得到，似乎有人在不知不觉中，悄悄的靠近你，直到你察觉，你已经被他掳获了。再也没有人比今天出生的人，具有更巧妙，且更自然的方 法，在不知不觉中去掳获或欺骗他人的心。今天出生的人骄傲自满，这可以从他对周围的人称赞或恭维的话中看出来。他们想要控制所有的人，而且极端厌恶懦弱的 人。想要和今天出生的人好好交往，要有随机应变的智慧，以及强而有力的性格；这样才能获得他那充满精神性以及肉体性的热情爱恋。

Hurhur so I am the type who will sneakily capture your heart without you realizing it. That must be part of my hidden charm that I have yet to discover. But one point is right, I expect the other party to 付出 as much as I do. 我是具有激烈的情感的人ok!

Anyway the asshole has decided to break and patch with his girlfriend for the umpteenth time... whatevs, I don't even take him seriously anymore when he says "It's over". Asshole is someone who cannot stand being lonely, who is so desperate for companionship that when the girl threatens to leave, he will beg her to stay. He thinks that the love he has for her is like, oh-so-great and nobody else can possibly love her and accept her as much as he does. Asshole also on the other hand, complains that he is being treated like a dog, not respected, and cannot stand her princessy and spendthrift ways, among many other things...

As of Christmas Eve, they broke up (for real this time, he says. He even removed her from Facebook so that means he's dead serious!) because she can't stand his hot temper and as of Christmas day, they're back together again! (And yes, he added her back as a Facebook friend. And then blocked me the very next day.)

爱情是这样给你们玩弄的吗？说分就分，说在一起就在一起？超幼稚。

I think they totally deserve each other and they are a perfect match. Even though I hate to say this, but they look compatible (definitely much better than me with him). So continue playing your childish mind games with each other. Of course after all the shit he put me through, I have no intention of wishing them happiness but ok, 做人要适可而止。I cannot be too evil if not I also won't get good karma.

This is probably the only time you can see me bustin' out such sleek moves LOL.

Merry Christmas folks.

LOL another one! Very amused by it hahaha.

It's been 1.5 months but I'm still feeling very bitter. I've been offloading everything onto a colleague over the past 2 days and constantly bashing the other party. Definitely not the most ideal way and admittedly not the most moralistic way but I do feel marginally better. It's all that hate and disgust in my system that I need to get out.

According to what I read, there are usually 5-7 stages of grief. Shock and disbelief, denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, depression, acceptance. I crashed at the anger, bargaining, guilt, depression stage all at once. I agree, it's a bitter pill to swallow. But I have to learn how to swallow it to move on. Forgive but not forget. Because they are disgusting and they deserve each other.

There has been much talk about it being the end of the world on 21st December. Honestly, I don't mind if the end of the world comes. There's nothing much to look forward to anyway. Work's a drag. My productivity has plunged to an all time low since last month. This month's even worse since nobody's around. My boss wants to talk to me about KPIs tomorrow. I don't even know if I want to continue doing whatever huge plans he has for me.

Everyone has to die some day anyway. I don't mind dying because I have pretty much lived my life the way I wanted. No regrets. Yanzz said that's such a pessimistic way of seeing things and that there's so many things out there for me to do! Skydiving, traveling, running marathons, gaining new experiences - but life still goes on even if we don't do them right? They are just optional items in this irritating thing called life that we have to go through. So what exactly are we living for then?

Not mind dying doesn't mean I want to die. Am not suicidal. But yeah, if we have to die, then we have to die. If a speeding car comes towards me, I am not sure if I will run. Maybe in that moment when you are really gonna die, you will see your life flashing in front of you and you will be seized by panic and fear and then you will run. But yeah I dunno. Anything can happen.

Also met another jerk yesterday whose parting words for me were "Perhaps you can start looking at what you possess first before looking at others."

Ungracious much? The world is filled with unappreciative idiots seriously. Read some story on Facebook about how a guy dumped his fiance for another girl when their wedding was 2 months away. Really disillusioned. Given up hope on men. They can go and screw themselves.

I survived yesterday. It wasn't as bad as I expected if I'm not alone. Except that towards the end of the day I checked Facebook and saw some stuff that spoiled my mood a little.

Heard this song on the radio this morning. Funny how I never really paid much attention to the lyrics despite singing it countless times during KTV.

周杰伦 - 安静

只剩下钢琴陪我谈了一天
睡着的大提琴 安静的旧旧的
我想你已表现的非常明白
我懂我也知道 你没有舍不得

你说你也会难过我不相信
牵著你陪着我 也只是曾经
希望他是真的比我还要爱你
我才会逼自己离开

你要我说多难堪 我根本不想分开
为什么还要我用微笑来带过
我没有这种天份 包容你也接受他
不用担心的太多 我会一直好好过

你已经远远离开 我也会慢慢走开
为什么我连分开都迁就著你
我真的没有天份 安静的没这么快
我会学著放弃你 是因为我太爱你

Haha I found an old funny post in 2007 where I dreamed that I was invited to Shuhui's wedding dinner LOL.

I quote myself:

"I dreamt two nights ago that I was invited to Shuhui's wedding dinner. Hahahaha. And I turned up in some tatty t-shirt and shorts. And then the bride went to park her car or something and didn't come back. HAHAHAHA."

Fast forward to 2012! The bride didn't run away and I didn't turn up in tatty t-shirts and shorts by the way LOL :D

Morning! It's 12/12/12. Another special date with nothing special going on.

Had the ultimate chillax weekend break away in Bali and witnessed a longtime friend getting married to her true love! Le sigh, so envious! But very happy for her haha :) And more so for myself, desperately needed this break to get away from things and it helped to distract me.

But now I'm back and trying not to sink into a funk again. It's always those moments when you are alone with your deep dark thoughts.

Today's Thought Catalog read (25 Things You Should Know About Love):

"5. It’s so painful to have loved someone once and then never again. Sometimes you’ll wish it never happened just so you didn’t know how good it felt.

7. You will never love someone quite the same way you do the first time.

8. In most cases, this is a good thing. The first time is fucking insane.

22. When you fall in love with someone, be prepared for the possibility that you might hate them one day.

23. You will always have that one ex who will stick in your mind. They’ll feel like a perpetual dull ache in your side."

And another one (Baking For Someone Who Doesn't Love You Anymore):

"Baking isn’t much fun either, when the person you’re baking for will take this thing you’ve spent countless minutes, hours creating, this thing you wanted to perfect, this thing you loved; they will take it and destroy it in seconds and have no idea how much time, how much of yourself you had to sacrifice just for it to exist. Baking is hard, you know? It requires time and patience and muscle and measurements; it requires attention and aspiration and that’s why you shouldn’t bake for someone who no longer loves you."

This article is written for me! Haha. No but really, spot on for the last 2.5 years of my secret life.

Thought Catalog - When You Are The One Who Loves More

"When you love more, when you can feel that your partner does not return so much of what is essential to you, you start to love yourself less. You see yourself as worthy only to the degree that this person whom you love so much has deemed you worthy, and if they are not loving you with as much passion or conviction as you love them, there must be something wrong with you."

There's also one that talks about the flip side of the coin - When You Are The One Who Loves Less

Last night saw a huge quarrel and I was accused of being judgmental. The reason he called was probably to seek a listening ear from a friend, and not to be criticized. And I admit my tone wasn't very friendly when speaking to him.

Can't help it, every time I talk to him I start to rage. He already has someone, and yet he is telling me stuff like how she doesn't love him the way he wants, how he doesn't think he will marry her but he is holding back from a clean break up with her because he is scared of being lonely, he needs companionship and comfort, and basically he thinks if he lets her go, he will remain single forever and will never be able to find someone else that will love him because he is a guy full of love and he NEEDS somebody to love and love him back. He says that hardly anybody ever enters his life so when someone comes along, he is really eager to make it work. (That's probably why I got dropped like a hot potato when that someone else entered his life.)

Then I get angry because I think about because of the hurt he caused to me and the best part is that he doesn't even realize the damage he inflicted. I start to get all vindictive and malicious and bitter and evil thoughts of not wishing him well start to surface because I think he doesn't even deserve any happiness. He has someone who loves him, I have no one. All his life he had people liking him and crushing on him; he had 2 exes (I'm not an ex coz I was never his gf), now he has her, and he dares to say that he is scared that he can't find anyone in future? That's dumb. I lived 24 years of my life perfectly well without anyone and I survived. Not haeving someone won't make you die please.

And if you are only going to tell me certain bits of the story and not the full picture, why fly into a rage when I form my opinion based on what I know? I don't think I'm being judgmental here.

So why am I still talking to him? Well I don't know. Partly because I think I'm masochistic and I have this need to find out how he is doing and what's happening in his life. But now, after that huge quarrel, he declared to never call me again because all he got was judgement, my very tainted view of things and doubt (because I feel that I cannot trust what he says anymore). He is mad because I still don't know his real personality after so long (I thought I did... but after what happened in recent weeks... no I seriously don't). I sent an apology text, but as usual was ignored. Even if I wanted to talk to him, he is not picking up my calls, so I think he means it this time round.

Saint says I need to figure out what I want out from this. If I want to continue being friends with him then I will have to stop judging him and forgive him for everything that he has done in the past and move on. Stop having any prejudice against him and be the reassuring listening ear, friend and confidante that he needs. Am I able to do that? Honestly still not sure. But since he now wants nothing to do with me, there's nothing else that I can do. For someone who tries to put in effort and holds friendships close to my heart, of course it hurts that I am now nothing but a an irritating pest in his life. I hate having people walk out of my life especially if we were close. But what to do?

We shall just let things be.

Funny how the universe has a way of reminding you what you don't wish to remember.

In pilates class today, my pilates instructor randomly told me “你的男朋友很高 hor。”
I was all ?!?!?! were we seen somewhere?! and he said he saw us at Bishan before. All I could do was to awkwardly say 'Uh, yeah.'

Last week I bumped into a colleague from my old department in the toilet and engaged in some small talk with her. She was asking if I was going to get married because I told her I may not be around in the next few years to witness the full completion of the building.

Me: No la, I don't even have a boyfriend
Her: No?! What happened? We all thought you had a boyfriend! We were all saying that you all look quite compatible.
Me: /awkward/ Errr. No la.

So has my whole company seen us hanging around somewhere? I haven't even seen him much for the last 2-3 months so whatever they saw must have been way way back. So much for keeping things low-key.

And I want to eat my Bishan chicken rice. I miss my chicken rice!!! :( Haven't had it since mid-September. Think I'll have that for lunch this Friday.

@$!*&@*#%@*%@

SHIT this is not working... I end up stalking the girlfriend's Facebook page instead.

Then I see some status update - "P is with J" and that dagger in my heart twists itself again.

SOMEBODY STOP ME FROM GOING DOWN THIS SELF DESTRUCTIVE SLIPPERY PATH PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reality is like an in-your-face, unwelcome kick in the ass.
Reality hurts, but it's time to face it and accept it.

The simple truth is that:
1) He loves her
2) He never loved me, he only kept me close because he liked the feeling of being loved, wanted companionship and was scared of being lonely. And therefore the last 2.5 years of my life was nothing but a lie (also, thank you for ruining my memories)
3) He doesn't need me in his life except when his life is shitty and he needs a listening ear
4) He is moving on perfectly well with his life even without me in it

Also, I was most unceremoniously wiped out as his Facebook friend. Which I suppose has its own silver lining because that means I can no longer stalk him.

Trying to chill and not think about this asshole and his ridiculous actions. How he always says something but doesn't mean it or doesn't act on it. He is looking for agape love. I admit I don't know the concept of agape love but I gave selflessly and unconditionally (refer to the famous 1 Crointhians 13:4-8 verse). He got it, took it for granted, but cannot reciprocate. "Religion makes up 50% of the relationship," he says. "It is half the battle won." That's why with her, she already has that 50% in the bag.

Not to mention the unspeakable things that they did. Very very disappointing. I thought he was worth more than that. Thinking about it makes my blood boil. Ok chill chill chill.

I'm going for a strawberry shortcake baking class soon, gotta run.

Epic epic mind blowing conversation yesterday. Again all the hurt and betrayal started coming back, just when I had managed to somewhat shut myself out of it.

Lots of whys, hows, whens, and still, WHY?????? Why do it? WHY??!?!?!?!

It's hypocritical behaviour, especially based on what you said in the past, no amount of justification will right it, and I've effectively lost all respect for you. So it turned from pity, to like to love? Go and do whatever the shit you want with your girlfriend then.

This is going to be one of my life principles from now. Don't ever come into my life if all you are going to do in the end is to leave.

November has been too much of an angsty month. >:(

Another Thought Catalog article - You Don't Hate Your Ex's New Significant Other, You Hate Your Ex

"There is an awful tendency we have as humans to excuse even the most egregious misdeeds in the people we love. When combined with our propensity towards jealousy and insecurity, it makes for an extremely unpleasant display of our more reptilian brain. When we are cheated on, for example, it is often easier to direct the more brutal edge of your hatred towards the “other person,” rather than taking a painful look at the person you love and who you thought loved you just as much. We direct our anger in the only way it can go that doesn’t require directly calling into question our relationship.

And when you lose someone you love, when you feel as though you were kicked out of a home you considered your own for so long, few things are more painful than to see your love being happy with someone new. Especially if you were left for this new person, but even if their romance started some time after the fact, it feels as though someone has moved into our territory and planted their flag with no thought as to who may have been there first. We built so much into this person, this person we considered ours for so long, is now perfectly content without us. While our happiness is still almost fully dependent on the whims of someone else, they seem to have forgotten we exist.

We remember them as is easiest and most comfortable, at their best. No one wants to think that they loved someone so much who wasn’t kind, who didn’t care about us, who didn’t need us as we did them. It is more pleasant to paint them in the most gentle, flattering portrait, excusing every flaw they may have had and the fact that we were only too happy to want them in spite of it. This new person — a person who is as much a mystery to us as our ex is a known entity — has no rich history that needs to be explained away to justify their new behavior. You don’t love them, you don’t wish they loved you, and they offer only a great threat to your happiness.

It is easy to turn them into a monster. You can assume the worst and risk nothing when it comes to your own relationship. You stand to gain nothing by being friends with them, by being kind, by giving them the benefit of the doubt. While there is still an ugly, jealous part of you that wants the person back who so brutally left you — or at least for them to tell you they still love you so you can do the rejecting this time — there is no part of you that yearns for the approval of their new love. In fact, it’s easiest if they hate you. It allows you to further your dislike of them, to place more of the blame on them, to call them crazy and assume no responsibility.

But we don’t really hate them. We don’t even know them. Hell, chances are that we’d probably really like them if we got to know them. They are not some soulless demon who wormed its way into your love’s life to ruin yours. They are a human being with an actual heart, who is capable of seeing the same wonderful things we once did in the person we loved. The truth is that we are simply hurt, every inch of our pride battered by our ex’s ability to just toss us aside and ostensibly recreate all that was so unique to us with someone who doesn’t resemble us at all. And this pain, this fractured pride, has nowhere tangible to go except directly to the person who is perhaps least deserving. We don’t want to yell, we want to cry. We want to be held, to be told that we’re still worth loving even if the person whom we love the most doesn’t think so anymore.

It may be the hardest thing to do, but it is crucial to remind ourselves at every step that no matter how much your broken heart wants to convince you of hating a stranger, they are not who we are angry with. We are angry with our ex, and maybe even ourselves a bit for having let them get away. But the truth is, hating a third party will not bring your ex back — and even if it did, would you really want it? Would you want to be a love only worth keeping once you’ve played around and had your fill of something else? There is nothing to be gained from being cruel, from perpetuating the cycle of hurt feelings and misdirected anger. Hate-reading a Facebook page to find out everything you can possibly dislike about someone only wears on your own heart, and turning into someone petty enough to do it will never make someone love you again."

For some reason, this app that I have on my phone decided to notify me of their Daily Verse today.

Psalm 30:5
For his anger is but for a moment,
and his favour is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night,
but joy comes with the morning.

It made me feel marginally better after reading it LOL so I went to google for a more in depth understanding.

Some of the explanations said: "Trauma can enliven the heart and enrich the soul. Clouds do have silver linings, and the leaf will burst again on the dry branch. Eventually, we will find that the grief itself will pass."

and

"Its means that pain is only temporary. It never will last because the truthful end result will be joy."

and

"It means that bad times don't last forever."

Just what I need to soothe my soul!

Why do you have to tell me things like how you spent $77 on a couple ring and that yours is engraved "God is Good" and hers says "All The Time"?

I was never even treated so nicely or even like a girlfriend in the past. What's the point of telling me this? To make me angrier issit?

NOT INTERESTED WITH WHATEVER YOU DO WITH HER.

Taylor Swift - Back To December



I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life? Tell me, how's your family?
I haven't seen them in a while

You've been good, busier than ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up, and I know why

Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses, and I left them there to die

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December all the time

These days, I haven't been sleeping
Staying up, playing back myself leaving
When your birthday passed, and I didn't call

Then I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side
And realized I loved you in the fall

And then the cold came, the dark days
When fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love, and all I gave you was goodbye

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night
The first time you ever saw me cry

Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right

I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't
So if the chain is on your door, I understand

This is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time, all the time

Lookie! There're pictures of me at the Great Eastern Run! Awesome. I ripped this off the site, which explains the ugly watermark.

With gravity defying hair

 

This should be taken along Marina Bay Sands

Crossing the finish line

"Loving someone is not the same as being in love with someone."

My life has been full of drama again.

Recent new developments served to make me even more pissed, and make my battered heart even more dead.
I wouldn't even say I feel hurt anymore because it's more like -WHATEVER- with an eye roll now.

Also good la I need my heart to harden and die in order for the feelings to ebb away and to be able to move on.

But as a result I think I've become more cynical and skeptical especially towards guys, love and relationships. I was once a bushy tailed bright eyed naive and innocent girl who believed in love - pure, geniune, unadulterated love - and had grand visions about love and what it meant, but thanks one guy, my beliefs have been completely shattered. THANK YOU FOR KILLING A PART OF ME.

So the week has pretty much been crappy. Basically felt like shit for the earlier part of the week, was a little emotionally unstable, ended up turning into an obsessive, neurotic stalker, was constantly thinking about him and wondering what he was doing, tormenting myself with thoughts of him and her together out on dates, having fun, being crazily in love, feeling like someone stabbed + twisted the knife in my heart when I saw them posting flirty messages on each other's Facebook walls, and trying to cope with the loss, the emptiness and gaping hole in my life.

It really feels goddamn awful.

Thing about being hurt by the same person over and over again - somehow you get desensitized to it. It still hurts and it doesn't feel good, but the magnitude and impact that you feel can't quite compare to the first time, or the second, or the third... we just get numb, and start to build walls around us to cope.

I have been reading a lot of depressing articles on Thought Catalog, could identify with lots of them. Someone left a comment on an article and this was what it said:

"Why wasn't he afraid of losing you when you were so afraid of losing him? because you never shared yourself with him, never were honest with him... and so he never had a part of you to lose."

Feels like this is me.

***

On Thursday I met with K for dinner. She went through similar shit before (but is now engaged and has her happily ever after!) and I did feel much better after talking to her. That very same night, I got a call from the person who had been ignoring me for the past few days. I did what every silly person would do. I picked up the call.

It was a call telling me that it was over with him and P, and that he felt relieved and somewhat happy about it because to put it mildly, there are many things they can't see eye to eye on. Of course I was skeptical (and rightly so). But ok, I was a little happy that they broke up.

On Friday night I got another call. This time it was J crying over the phone. He was crying because he felt hurt and heartbroken and in his words - "now I know how you feel". WTF. Do you see how many shades of fucked up this was? One simply does not come crying to their ex and expect the ex to lick their wounds for them after they break up with their current boy/girlfriend. Furthermore, I have yet to completely get over him, was still pissed, and was just only starting to feel marginally better about him disappearing from my life. You want to talk about hurt here? WHO IS MORE HURT I ASK YOU?

My first reaction was - eh why the heck are you feeling hurt? Just yesterday you were telling me how happy you were after dumping her. You told me you that didn't even like her. Yet here you are feeling heartbroken. So this only means that what you told me were lies and that you did feel something for her. MEN. I don't understand them.

I honestly felt no sympathy for him because he deserved it. And I told him that. He went into this relationship with both eyes wide open. If you know you don't like the girl, why agree to be with her? This must be karma or something.

And then I got angry and indignant because he and her were together for 3 weeks, and he can be crying over the breakup, while I stuck by him for 2 and a half frigging years, and yet he can be all nonchalant about it. It goes back to the whole he doesn't love me thing which I shall not rehash.

When I was arguing with him he said a whole lotta other stuff like "you can't say that I dumped you because we weren't even boyfriend and girlfriend! How can you dump someone who was never your girlfriend?" Fwah. FUME. 这种没良心的话你也说得出。好歹我也曾经对你付出过，我对你的好绝对不会少过对一个 “男朋友” 的好。贱人！

So in my anger and spite I wrote him another lengthy email lambasting him and basically accusing him of a lot of stuff.

Tonight, just hours ago, I found out through Facebook that they were flirting on each other's wall again. So what does this mean? Ta-dah! Back together again. Zzzzzz.

In spite of myself (yes I should have more backbone seriously), I called him and asked him what the hell happened. Apparently this morning he asked her to reconsider, read my email, got angry, and decided to get together with her. /roll eyes. But then now he is thinking of breaking up with her again because of all the yada yada yada problems AND I also found out that she made personal attacks against me. OK she really crossed the line here. She said I had no pride for sticking to a guy doesn't even like me. She said I was stupid and an idiot. WAHLAO EH woman what did I do to you? My opinion of you just plunged 10 levels down.

So will J break up with P? Dum dum dum dum. He claims he wants to, but I have a feeling that he won't. Stay tuned.

My life is like a soap opera now and each day brings a new episode. -_- So we'll see what tomorrow brings.
I was just almost gonna recover and then this happened.
The smart thing to do is of course to ignore and remove him from my life completely.
But easier said than done.
One thing I'm pretty sure though, is like what Taylor Swift sang, "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together".
At least now I'm past the stage of feeling down in the dumps and moping and crying.

We all need to learn from this: 7 Dating Lessons I'm Still Working On Learning

I'm feeling really pissed and hurt and betrayed and bitter and and broken and disappointed and I dunno what else now.

So, I wrote a long grandmother email to him basically accusing him of lots of things and in his words - "you want your face-to-face, here's your face-to-face". So I met him last night.

I got my answers, but I also gained several new revelations.

1) He basically stopped having any feelings for me for a while. Possibly dating back to August, September, or who knows, maybe even earlier? Things felt "different" he said, especially after he changed jobs we kind of drifted, and then I understood why he was able to jump so readily into another relationship in the turn of the eye without even giving time for the old one to die off. How he was able to move on so easily, how he could completely disregard how I feel. BECAUSE TO HIM IT HAS ALREADY DIED OFF LONG AGO. At first I was hurt that he didn't even respect the relationship enough to at least not jump into another girl's arms immediately but of course, now I realize there was already nothing there to him from a long time ago.

Of course, it feels like shit to know that all this while I have been loving someone who doesn't love me at all.

2) He thought I didn't love him 100% or love him so much to think that we had a future together. He thought I didn't love him because I never expressed myself (verbally) my love for him, unlike his girlfriend. He was so sure that I didn't have any feelings for him because he couldn't feel anything from me. When his girlfriend observed that I still had feelings for him during the JB trip, he told his her "Definitely not, impossible". To him it's like, he has always been the one initiating most conversations, he's been the one calling me (that's true), hence he thought I was no longer interested.

WELL. HE IS VERY WRONG. When I expressed myself verbally, it was met with no replies or nonchalance. Since my verbal expressions were not reciprocated, I gradually stopped doing it. However, I expressed myself through ACTIONS. Actions speak louder than words, or so I thought. I may be passive but I have always been there for him, silently by his side offering him the support he needs. I ask about his well-being, I show care and concern about his life and the things happening around him, I show him physical affection, I made special trips down to his office to meet him for lunch, I buy stuff that he needs. (This article here expresses very well how I feel about him: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/how-i-know-i-love-you/) Apparently all this does not constitue liking or love, he thinks normal friends are also capable of doing stuff like that. So he is dense and dumb and superficial. It is no wonder that he got so easily swayed to be with his girlfriend because she is able to say things that he wants to hear.

3) Since I was the one who pushed him to go to SDN, he thought I would be happy for him when he found someone (also me encouraging him to go meet more girls was a clear sign to him that I no longer liked him - ok, can't argue with that). He did not expect me to feel so hurt and upset and betrayed now that he found someone. Also, we had many talks along the years about the future, like how I was free to go if I found someone else, and it was obvious that his future did not include me in it. Which is fair. These were the parameters set right at the start.

I didn't know this "no future" thing was so important to him that basically it affected the way he treated me. Because it's like since there's no future, then there's no point anyway, so no need 100%. This "no future" thing is used to justify everything. "No future", so it would have ended sooner or later anyway. "No future", so I could never see you as a potential partner. Why the fuck did he even lead me on for so long if there was "no future"? Yup so you, being perfectly logical and rational, would ask why did you stick with him for so long since there was "no future"? Honestly I have no direct answer to that. It could be (a) I believed as long as there was love, it doesn't matter what the future holds, or (b) I was insecure and as soon as some one paid some bit of attention to me, I clung onto him and didn't want to let go.

And to think all this while I was nothing but sincere and geniune to him, giving my very best. He was the one who begged me to stay when I wanted to leave early this year. I was conflicted, but decided to stay because it killed me to hurt him. Dammit, I even tried to make him feel more secure and assured him I wouldn't leave because he was insecure that I would bolt anyway. Now the tables are turned, he can say that he didn't feel I love him, and he is the one leaving and ruthlessly ditching me. All I wanted was for him to acknowledge my effort and love. What can I say right. I played with fire and got burnt badly. Handed him the knife and allowed him stab me with it.

4) So apparently the reason he is with his girlfriend now despite not liking her all that much is because she can give him the spiritual connection that he needs. Or rather, wants. He likes it that he can attend church with her, discuss about the sermon with her, talk to her about God and other Christianly stuff - that's a connection that he wants to be able to share with his partner. Because of this connection, he is able to see her as a potential life partner, as a wife. Being with her is different, compared to being with me. He said going out with her makes him feel like he is with a wife, because she thinks of him and asks him to try clothes on when they go shopping (oh right and I don't think of you and accommodate you all the time?) And seriously I had no bloody idea that he wanted all this. Honestly, he didn't even strike me as the very religious type. He didn't even talk to me about his religious beliefs (probably because he thinks I don't understand since I'm not a Christian). Worse, I thought we shared a connection but I guess that wasn't the type of connection he wanted. At the end of the day he was never able to see me as something more because I was never able to satisfy him in this aspect. So that's what she has that I don't. That's what's she was able to give him that I can't. Pretty earth-shattering revelation. Knowing that kinda sucks.

Also I guess he thinks I'm not worth it to put in the effort to try and overcome this barrier of ours.

So I guess that's it. 2.5 years of my feelings down the drain just like that. 拍拍屁股就走人。 He said he doesn't want to lead me on anymore and wants me to move on. And for me to move on, he will stop contacting me, stop burdening me with his problems, and withdraw from my life.

I'm finding a bit hard to move on to be honest. I'm too used to having him in my life. I'm like turning into this psychotic stalker with an overactive imagination and constantly obssessing about him. I want to think that this is breaking him apart just like how it is breaking me, that this is just as hard for him, but no? It seems like he is perfectly fine? (Right. He already has another girl to lick his wounds.) It's like every single thing I do I get reminded of him? Every place you go to is flooded with memories of him? How do you move on from something like that?

Also another takeaway point is that I am too damn nice. Being nice gets you no where. Being aggressive gets you what you want. Like his girlfriend P. She's aggressive and she got what she wanted.

Sucks being alone and surrounded with negative thoughts. Even though I've had a 4-day weekend, I really don't feel like going back to work tomorrow.

Sigh what can I say. The road to recovery is long and hard. :'(

From Thought Catalog - Some People Aren't Worth Keeping Around

"At some point in every toxic relationship you’ve got to ask yourself, how much is too much? When frustration and sadness outweigh happiness and joy? When you’ve cried more tears alone than you’ve shared laughs together? At some point you’ve got to look out for yourself and you know that. People are willing to withstand a longer beating when it’s emotional instead of physical, but just think — if someone were repeatedly punching you in the arm you may take a few blows but eventually you’d break. Patience would run out and you’d strike back – or at the very least, get away from the assaulter.

It’s just a matter of realizing when that breaking point has been reached. Unfortunately we don’t always have a specific occurrence that will trigger us hastily finding the nearest exit. Everyday people are cheated on, cussed out, physically harmed, mentally abused – very nasty stuff that you might think it would be easy to leave behind. It’s not always that simple for everyone. Some people want to believe in others to change, to give the person they care for the benefit of the doubt, to holdout hope that one-day things will be better. It’s not always the smart decision, but the smart decision isn’t always the easy one to make, much less follow through on.

Two good people can hurt each other. There’s a misconception that at least one evil party is required for an unhealthy connection, but that’s not the case. Whether it’s between friends or lovers, there can be mistakes made or unfortunate circumstances that lead to one or two genuinely good people unintentionally (or purposefully) doing hurtful things. These are the hardest scenarios. When there’s no distinct bad guy, no clear antagonist or villain to point fingers at. When it’s angel vs. angel… or devil vs. devil.

Whatever the scenario may be, there comes a time when we have to recognize that it just isn’t working out. The friendship isn’t functioning, the girlfriend isn’t making you happy, the boyfriend isn’t treating you the way you deserve to be treated – anything along those lines. It’s never good to quit on people. To give up on a person you care for who is trying and failing is a bad thing, but to cut ties with an individual who is giving zero effort, yet doing a number on your heart makes sense. It’s justifiable. Someone who wants to do right by you but doesn’t always have the right answers or deliver your desires eloquently is usually still worth maintaining a link with. So simply ask yourself – who isn’t?

If there’s a name that instantly comes to mind as a candidate, chances are they deserve every bit of consideration to be removed from your life. Contemplate it. No, there’s no set equation. You can’t take the number of times they’ve made you cry + the number of times they’ve made you smile, divided by time spent in the past week and get a solution. This isn’t mathematical; there are no right answers, only high risks. It’s based off of past experiences and your recollection of how they’ve made you feel. If you’re going to continue to hold someone near your heart, or even hand them the damn thing, they’re going to be capable of damaging it. Just decide, if a potentially broken heart or pain and suffering are worth the alternative of things going well. Damages vs. benefits. The best-case scenario should be worth the risk of the worst case panning out if you’re going to invest that much emotion in a person. Some people aren’t worth keeping around. I know this, you know this – but it’s your unique decision who you surround yourself with and who you dispose of."

Early last Sunday morning on the very nice date of 11 Nov, I did an incredible thing.

I COMPLETED MY FIRST HALF MARATHON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*cue awesome fireworks and raucous applause*

Despite having just recovered from food poisoning or indigestion or I dunno what after coming back from Taiwan, battling a cough, and feeling like shitting throughout the whole 21km, I STILL DID IT!!! Feeling very accomplished now. My first achievement as I turned 27. Hahahaha.

For a while I thought I really had to give up running this Great Eastern Run due to my cough but I thought, heck it, I'll just take it easy and slow. Completing it is more important than clocking a good time. I didn't want all my attempts at training to go to waste!

How I felt during the entire run:

1-7km: SLEEPY and need to shit.

7-15km: Seriously cannot remember. Was a haze. Walked and jogged. And need to shit.

15-18km: HUNGRY and need to shit.

18km onwards: Still hungry but OMG I CAN SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!!! Just 3 more measly kilometres (which started to feel like eternity btw)!!! Mustering a spurt of energy to move forward. But still need to shit.

So according to the official results, I'm ranked #839, and my nett time is 02:56:24.67.
At 6km -  00:47:03.76
At 12.5km -  01:42:55.99

According to my Runkeeper,

THE Half Marathon
Distance covered: 21.97km
Time: 2:57:55
Average speed: 7.41km/h
And I burned a 1106 worth of calories!

I think that's a pretty good pace considering I walked a lot and didn't even eat anything before the run. All I had was water and 100Plus along the way. Was seriously stoned when I woke up, having slept only 1.5 hours. AND super upset that I lost my furball mobile dust plug while on my way to catch the shuttle bus in the morning. :(

Pain is temporary, pride lasts a lifetime

Mom and sis also took part in the 5km run!

OK no more half marathons for me! Or at least for the next 1 year... LOL. Sticking to 10km runs from now!

HIMYM Season 8 Episode 5

Ted proposed to Victoria. Victoria issued him an ultimatum - if she marries him, he cannot remain friends with Robin.

Ted to Lily and Marshall: I can't imagine life without Robin, but she'll never be in love with me. She'll never be my wife, she'll never be the person I grow old with. Victoria... Victoria could be.

***

Ted to Victoria: I'm not in love with Robin, but she's like family to me and I can't end that. So... can you accept that?

Victoria: I really hope you get her some day.

Poor Ted.

HIMYM Season 8 Epsiode 6

Robin thinks Nick is dumb and wants to break up with him but she keeps getting distracted by his hot abs or keeps procrastinating. After hearing yet another failed break-up attempt over the speaker phone, Barney rushes over to the cafe where they are at.

Barney to Nick and Robin: She can't go home with you Nick, because Robin and I are in love. I love her, Nick. I love everything about her. And I'm not a guy who says that lightly - I'm a guy who has faked love his entire life. I thought love was just something idiots thought they felt. But this woman has a hold on my heart that I could not break if I wanted to. And there have been times that I wanted to. It has been - overwhelming, and humbling, and even painful at times. But I could not stop loving her any more than I could stop breathing. I am hopelessly, irretrievably in love with her - more than she knows.

Bravo Barney. Even if you did pretend that you were faking it afterwards. I am all for Barney and Robin! But yes, poor Ted. I feel a bit like Ted sometimes. Sometimes I watch HIMYM and see bits of my life staring right back at me. How do ex-lovers remain close friends? They just get tangled up in each other's life and things get complicated.

Anyway bear with me here while my blog gets filled with emo, angsty, self-pitying, self-loathing, self-deprecating posts from time to time for the next few days/weeks/months.

Some quotes that I got off from Twitter that I've amassed over the years. They are like mini bowls of Chicken Soup for the Soul lol.

"How do you look at the boy you love and tell yourself it's time to walk away?"

"When you come to matter in someone's life, it's unfair to just up and go as and when you please."

"Don't ever beg someone you love to love you back. It's pathetic. Just leave them. That is how you hold your pride."

"While I was holding on, all you did was let go."

"I guess the reason why I held on for this long is because I thought we would one day get our second chance."

"When you love someone and you're insecure, you cling." - omg I think I'm completely like that. I clung on to a toxic relationship when somebody paid attention to me because no one else ever did and you think no one else ever will.

"Moving on is not forgetting. Moving on is actually accepting. The truth is when you loved someone, you will love them forever. When you see this person again there's no feeling of hurt or anger or wanting. That's when you know you moved on."

And speaking of moving on, this is a very good article - What Moving On Is Like - from Thought Catalog. Extracts -  

"Moving on is like this: one day you forget the taste. The next, you forget the smell. Then the touch. Then the laugh. Then the smile. Then the jokes. Then the eyes, the hair, the hands, the feet. You forget the socks. You forget the fingers, the toes, the sex. You forget the pulses, the beats, the rhythms and how you sometimes felt like they all belonged to you. You forget the words; finally, you forget the voice that spoke them.

Moving on is when you think about him and don’t punish yourself for it, when he begins to evoke more of a scientific response than an emotional one."

I will get there!!!

4,753 words, one long-ass essay, a piece of my mind. Signed, sealed, delivered.

That unfortunate chapter of my life shall end here.

In other news, I'm on a 2-day MC, doctor says I have very allergic airways and I'm genetically pre-disposed to allergic coughing. Cold blasts of wind, sudden changes in temperature, dust particles in the air, and all sorts of stuff may trigger a cough. Bleah I have weak lungs.

I've taken more MC days in this year alone than in all 27 years of my school and work life I think. -_- But also good la. Seriously had no mood to work for this entire week. With the coughing and all the shit happening. Plus bosses are away on a week-long business trip. No government. Office laptop crashed yesterday. No mood to work also.

It amazes me that some people's feelings can be switched on and off like a tap.

For 2.5 years you don't feel guilty and then after that night at JB you suddenly feel guilty about leading me on and hence decided to not like me anymore? WTF. OK. Well done.

I know I shouldn't care about this anymore but it doesn't feel good to know that you told the other girl that you have no more feelings for me. It's like I didn't even mean anything to you.

Unfortunately it is not so easy for me. The scars on my knees and elbow. Every time I look at it I get reminded of you.

OK I gotta get this out when I'm still feeling all charged up.

This is going to be a long story.

It all started way back in 2010, when I was briefly together with this person, whom for the purposes of this post, we shall call J.

J and I were only "officially" - and not even that officially because it was a 偷偷摸摸地下情 - together for about a month then the whole China shebang happened.

But frankly, with the benefit of hindsight, this relationship was doomed right from the start. We both knew nothing good could happen out of it since I didn't subscribe to his religious beliefs and this was a "hard rule" for him. But for whatever reason - youth? impulsiveness? the itch to give something a try? - took over and it lasted way longer than it should.

By that I meant it should have ended right after we came back from China. And I did believe it could have ended there, if not for the fact that I went begging for forgiveness (wtf I also dunno what I did that needs forgiving). Ah, if only I had that little bit more 骨气.

But well you know, they say pride takes second place if you love somebody and at that point in time I thought I did.

J couldn't acknowledge me as his girlfriend, so it dragged on in a neither-here-nor-there state for the next 2 years. Popular culture calls it "friends with benefits" without the sex but I prefer the term "relationship of convenience". It sounds classier LOL. We were treading dangerously on the line between platonic friendship and something deeper.

Of course, the 2 years from mid-2010 to early 2012 weren't all breezy, and most of the time I was struggling with this... state of limbo. Wanting more but never being able to get it. Having to be contented with whatever I can get. Other times I was perfectly happy with the things were. No need to plan my life around another person or to be accountable to them. A low-fuss "relationship" that doesn't interefere with my life. When it's convenient, we get together. When it's not, we do our own thing. It suited my lifestyle pretty well.

The most memorable dispute we had over this was some time in March - April this year, after coming back from the Hong Kong trip. I disliked the fact that I had to lie and cover up my lies with more lies and wasn't at peace. So I wanted out. I remember feeling terrible back then, crying my eyes out everywhere, on the train, at work, over dinner and poor Saint and Empress had to tahan my outbursts and rants.

Saint said he was being emotionally manipulative and yeah perhaps he was (haha well all I can say is KARMA YO~ because now he is being manipulated by another girl) but then I somehow got persuaded to stay. Remain as status quo. Continue with this close-but-not-together relationship until one of us finds his/her Mr/Ms Right.

Of course, the bright sparks among you will shake your head and think, this is so so so flawed and does not make sense. Someone will get hurt in the end. YES! Of course! And I foolishly thought, ok, better me getting hurt than him, because I don't want to hurt him. Yes yes, I know, but do not question my sanity based on this story, for I am usually quite a rational and balanced individual.

So yada yada things continued merrily along, but as with all relationships, be it friendships or romantic ones, it has to be maintained. It has to work both ways. Effort has to be invested. I don't see it happening in this situation. J is always the complainer, complaining about his work, his job, whatever is happening in his life, and about how suay he is, and I'm always the ever patient (ok sometimes very impatient - I have my limits) listener who tries to empathaize. I am always the one providing assistance, telling him what to do, teaching him how to do it, probing him to do stuff. He on the other hand, seems to take all of this for granted.

Never mind, fine. Even though he irks me to no end sometimes, even though I feel super exasperated at his thick-headedness and indecisiveness, even though I hate his un-gallantness and the fact that he is super uncaring and never bothers to at least show some care and concern towards me, I do all this out of my own free will. Because I thought I still had some shred of feelings for him. The big outpouring of love might have dwindled, but there's still something. Maybe it's not love anymore? But I don't know what it is. The comfort and familiarity?

He changed jobs in September, and things got interesting. From being able to see each other a few times a week, we could never find time to meet. And the thing is he didn't even seem to bother or make an effort to meet. To be fair, I was also pretty busy with my course then.

And all the while, he kept complaining about not meeting girls and the fact that no girls like him (this has been a recurring topic for the 2+ years) - so I said, go to the SDN website and look if you are so desperate. YES! I pushed him to go to SDN! Coz remember my theory? Better that he finds a girl first and finds his happily ever after.

So look he did, and he somehow he chatted this girl up (we shall call her P). They attend the same church, and P was a pretty sociable girl, so pretty soon they were chatting daily on whatsapp. That progressed to meet ups, and within a span of a week of knowing her, he invited her to go to JB.

Ok I gotta explain about JB. I was out shopping with him in the day and then went to play mahjong with his parents after that. It was the long weekend and he was thinking of something interesting to do. So initially it was just me, him and his friend who would drive us up. But over mahjong, he kept whataspping P, and somehow invited P to JB too. (The interesting thing is that prior to this, he thought P ignored him for 3 days because of a joke that he made. And for those 3 days I had to endure his complaints about how P ignored him and how he will never be with a person like her. And then WOAH suddenly, they're good again?) Yup so that is how I ended up on a short evening trip to JB for dinner and a body scrub with J and 2 strangers (in a Mercedes. It's a miracle we were not mugged).

During the JB trip, P somehow managed to guess that I had some shred of feelings for J (that woman must have bionic eyes). So the idiot J said, yes, I'm one of his exes. And I was pretty certain P was interested in J. All this transpired while we 3 were sitting at the spa, whatsapping each other without talking. AWKWARD MUCH.

Yup so where does that leave me? You bring a girl who is interested in you out with a girl who has been steadfastly been by your side for 3 effing years and basically ignore her for the whole journey? Am I supposed to not be jealous and feel gracious here?

By now you should be reading this and thinking that J is SUPER DENSE. Yes that is correct, you are on the right track.

SO. The next day after the awkward outing, I did not even hear a whisper from J at all. What I heard on Monday, was him saying that P confessed her feelings to him. J was now conflicted because he doesn't like her all that much. Says her personality not compatible with his, yada yada, and other excuses which I will mercifully leave out. From what I heard, P basically poured her heart and innermost secrets out to J, and at her most vulnerable, J didn't have the heart to reject her. BUT, he didn't accept her either. He just left her hanging. Do you see some kind of a pattern here? I'm gonna put in one more criteria for my future boyfriend/husband. I HATE WISHY-WASY INDECISIVE GUYS. DUDE. Don't lead a girl on if you are not interested in her.

And also tell me if I am being unreasonable here. You can't even be bothered to text me for the whole entire Sunday to apologize for your shitty behaviour and for putting me in an awkward position for the JB outing, and yet when P said she needed to talk, he drove down to meet her straightaway? His lame excuse is - "morning got church, afternoon had to go Sim Lim to buy stuff, then went home to watch F1, then after that the thing with P happened". WAH you can drive to meet her but you cannot even spend a minute to text me. I am even less important than F1 in his heart. THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW WHERE I STAND. THANKS A LOT.

So the timeline. That was the Monday before my birthday. The next few days all I heard about was P, P and more P. For my birthday dinner, I heard more about P and how he will never accept her because of various reasons. And for the record, up till the day of my birthday, he hasn't told P that he doesn't want to be with her. I believe P was still hoping for her chance and I believe they were still in constant contact via whatsapp.

Told the bugger, BE A MAN AND BE DECISIVE! You better tell her asap, if you don't want to be with her better tell her straight. And he said, ok, I'll tell her on Saturday. So Saturday came and went. No updates. I left for Taiwan that night and in Taiwan, I whatsapped him a few times. NO REPLY. OK, he is purposely avoiding my questions.

When I came back from Taiwan, I found out that he somehow agreed to go overseas with her to celebrate his birthday. Eh. Ok. I thought WE had a plan to celebrate his birthday together? I'm starting to feel cheated and betrayed here. Alarm bells starting to ring.

Then came today. The crux of the plot.

Basically, he somehow got "manipulated" (his own words) by P to be with her and THEY GOT TOGETHER A WEEK AGO. That would be Sunday, the day after I left for Taiwan, the day after he said he would make things clear to her. However, he maintains that he is regretting it and he knows it won't work, he doesn't even like her, and hence he wants out.

*CUE THUNDER AND LIGHTNING*

My question is then, WHY THE HECK ARE YOU WITH HER IF YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE HER OR WANT TO BE WITH HER?! Are you just feeling sympathy for her and somehow mistook it as liking? Or are you so eager to settle down that you just grab any girl that comes by? Are girls toys for you to play with? He cannot answer, basically just saying he was manipulated by her. So basically when a girl cries, hugs you and says stuff like, oh, I really really like you, guys will melt and they will relent. Ooooooookay. Good trick. I am so going to try that on guys next time so that they will drop into my lap like flies.

Honestly I should have seen it coming, the telltale signs were all there. J claims that he doesn't like her, YET his actions prove otherwise - rushing down to meet her when she needs to pour her heart out, letting her cry in his arms, whatsapping daily, meeting up regularly after work, sending her home... IS THIS WHAT A PERSON WHO IS NOT INTERESTED IN ANOTHER PARTY WILL BE DOING I ASK YOU?! You claim that you want to be friends with her first and get to know her better but you doesn't seem to realize that to P this could be signs of courtship.

Then comes the feelings of betrayal. For the past 2.5 years I have been his rock and his support, steadfastly putting up with all his bullshit and crap, and then in the turn of the eye, he can go and get together with another girl. Of course, I should have expected this, I mean what else can you expect in a "no strings attached" kind of relationship? He is free to go, I am free to leave.

But that doesn't mean I can't feel indignant about how easy it is for him to just throw away everything we shared and move on as if nothing ever happened. What a world class asshole.

AND, he is dense enough to not realize that I have been holding out for him for the past 2.5 years and still had feelings for him UNTIL P told him. Please lah. Go and use your brains and think. Which other girl would be stupid enough to put up with your bullshit if they didn't like you?

Apparently, P is now uncomfortable that he shares such a close relationship with me, and forbids him to contact me or meet up with me individually. That is why he has no choice but to tell me about his new relationship status. Because they have been quarrelling about this every time.

Why the hell then J, didn't you tell me right away when you got together with P? Oh, his excuse was that because I was in Taiwan and he didn't want to spoil my trip. But to be honest I already half-suspected during the trip. The signs were there - the ignored messages (apparently she checks his phone), the changed profile picture. I am such a threat to her, wow!

And oh, the audacity. When I asked why don't you meet me face-to-face and talk, he said, what, you expect me to take the train to your house and talk to you at your void deck? ESKEW ME, you can rush down to meet P just one week after knowing her, and you cannot do the same for someone who has been your constant for the past 2.5 years? SERIOUSLY. I'm not even worth a face-to-face talk. It just shows how much I mean to him.

Yes I see all of you out there shaking your heads, thinking, you foolish girl! You have been made use of! I am nothing more than a willing sponge in his eyes, soaking and cleaning up his mess! Yeah, I see that now. Actually, I've seen that a long time ago. Friends around me have been telling me that. But what can I say? I was a willing party. Foolishly willing to settle for less and get into this no-status shit. So yup, I had it coming for a long time. In a way, I was prepared for this. People come into our lives, either as a blessing or a lesson. This one is definitely a lesson. But with hindsight, we can laugh and poke fun at our mistakes and hopefully not repeat them.

In truth I am not even half as hurt as I was in the past. It's like...after all the nonsense that you put me through, nothing can faze me anymore! I'm over wasting tears and energy on this guy. Maybe I'm used to it, maybe I'm numb to it? Yes perhaps the word is INDIFFERENT. I know I have completely reached the stage of getting over him when I feel indifferent towards him. Hurray!

I'm still waiting to feel liberated, for I can finally say that I'M FREE!!! My heart has been freed from enslavery! But hmmm. Liberation is not quite here yet. Maybe moving on will take some time.

Now I'm single (wtf I've always been) and ready to mingle but of course must QC a bit first. My 5 readers out there, if you have any eligible single guy friends who is nothing like the jerk I just mentioned above, please intro LOL. I am a pretty awesome person if I can say so myself LOL.

All I can say is, your loss, J. Entirely your loss. May you get the happiness that you so desire, be it with P or someone else.



[Also the reason I am writing this out here is because I know only a few of you read this. The rest who don't read don't need to know and they probably only know sketchy details anyway. I don't want to spend time during meet ups repeating this story over and over.]

嗨~ 又老一岁了! :x 　快要变成过期的货了。

366 days ago I wrote that may this be the year I climb a mountain and yup that's exactly what I did! :)

So may the 27-year-old me learn how to dive! I do have a couple of other bucket list moments (like journeying to Korea solo or traisping to see the Aurora Borealis!!!) but let's focus on one thing at a time hahahaha.

Session #12
Distance covered: 13.97km
Time: 1:48:07
Average speed: 7.75km/h

Also known as The Last Run Before The Half Marathon. Gasp! Since I'm not gonna be around next Sunday to jog.

It was a disgustingly warm day yesterday and while the thought of dragging myself down earlier so that I can cover a longer distance did briefly cross my mind, the heat put any thoughts of that to rest.

The sun was still out in full force at about 530pm, so basically it was like this:

1st 7km - scorching hot and dying in the heat
Mid-point - saw a beautiful sunset from a pretty good vantage point
Next 7km - THANKFULLY A LOT COOLER for the jog back home

 

The gorgeous sunset in question. Punggol is a pretty nice place! Not saying this so that people will move to the North-East hahahaha

It's 12 days, 16 hours and 54 minutes to Race Day as I type this, errmmmm all I can say is good luck to me (and hopefully I can wake up in time at the crack of dawn to go for the run. It will be hilarious if I oversleep again).

Session #11
Distance covered: 11.51km
Time: 1:25:36
Average speed: 8.07km/h

Session #10
Distance covered: 12.53km
Time: 1:35:57
Average speed: 7.84km/h

All I remember from yesterday's run was that I had a stitch in my stomach :(

Aaaaaaanddd according to the goal setter in Runkeeper, it's 27 days, 11 hours, 33 minutes and 18 seconds (and ticking) to race day! Shucks.

Hear hear! This is why the Barnacle is awesome haha.

Session #9
Distance covered: 10.10km
Time: 1:15:08
Average speed: 8.06km/h

Have you ever read something that resonates with you so greatly, it takes all the words out of your mouth and put it in elegantly scripted text, and you're like holy cow all this is exactly what is happening in my sad life!

Hello there, article of my life!

This is all that needs to be said, really. From now on, directing all questions to this article.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/kind-of-sort-of-dating-maybe/

LOL!!!!!!!

Ladies and gentlemen (if any)!

Do you feel that increasingly you are not a part of the "other side"?

Do you feel sad because you have no one to snuggle with?

Are you sick of seeing photos of happy married couples and getting invitations to weddings?

Fear not, for Dr #WiseOldSage is here to dispel myths and dispense advice!

With some recent change in life events recently, I present to you some statistics and the rapidly changing profile of my amigos.

*Note 1: Based on sample size of 16 (i.e. the friends I most frequently hang out with)
*Note 2: The singletons are based information that I know, they could have been sneaky and not update


LOL yes I know I'm not being paid to sit in my office and do up bo liao pie charts like this one. Hahaha. Allow me to indulge in a moment of slacking because life is a drag. :x

And this reminds me of how Marshall in HIMYM has this habit of doing up graphs and charts for every single thing till the gang has to conduct an intervention! Also, HIMYM Season 8 has started!!! :D

Back to the point. So actually, if you look at the cold hard facts that I have presented in the pie chart, we singles (as represented by the orange slice - which I chose on purpose ahem because orange is my favourite colour but I digress) still make up a big slice of the pie! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! *fireworks*

Of course, I foresee that the slice will start to shrink as we age :( and then the kids will start coming :( and then the meet ups will get lesser :( and then the already once-every-few-months meetups will start becoming a once-every-year meetup. And then that's the time when you find that you need more single friends to hang around with! Quick! Find me someone who is not a part of a greater sum!

But that said, is this the season for love and relationships to blossom? So many updates and so much good news recently! :D

So if you can't beat 'em, join 'em! Live your life vicariously through your friend's love life by pestering them for details (sorry Saint)! I can see how annoying that can be ahahahaha but I'm too excited by it myself LOL.

中秋节快乐! The moon was a huge yellow orb today.
Or yesterday. Technically yesterday.
Next year I'm gonna buy some snowskin durian mooncakes. Or the famous Raffles Hotel champagne truffle mooncakes. I've never tried them.

And I'm procrastinating! I'm gonna regret procrastinating. I have a 15% assignment to do, due on Thursday. It's not rocket science. I should have done it today. But I didn't. :(

Session #8
Distance covered: 11.27km
Time: 1:22:12
Average speed: 8.23km/h

Realized I have very little patience and tolerance for stupid questions, repetitive questions, and questions that people ask because they are just too lazy to google for the answer. Seriously. *waves smart phone* Information is supposed to be at your fingertips no? My friends are generally awesome people but sometimes they fall into these categories too!

AND I absolutely cannot stand my boss's incessant tapping on the table. He has this annoying habit of tapping the pen/pencil/his finger/whatever unfortunate thing in his hand REPETITIVELY to make a point. You. Do. Not. Need. To. Tap. CONSTANTLY. To. Make. A. Point.

Imagine how annoying it is:

Boss: Yada yada yada yada
*taptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptapTAPTAPTAP
TAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAP TAP!*

Me: *trying to remain zen and willing for some emails to come in while mentally throwing rocks at him*

Boss: *Throws pen/pencil/whatever unfortunate thing in his hand on the table with a flourish and a grand gesture after making his point*

Me (in my inner goddess voice): such yayapapaya behaviour *ROLLS EYES*

"Now, we tend to just fall into relationships with whatever is close to us, convenient, or has already been conquered. Friends will incestuously date within their group of friends, over and over and over. Friends with benefits whom people are not particularly interested in will become de facto boyfriends or girlfriends because, well, we need a date to a wedding. We will exist in a nebulous state of “sort-of dating” our “half-boyfriends” for years on end because it’s better than being single. And of course, if you ask these couples if they would ever consider settling down with said significant other, most would give you a resounding “no.” They would even justify with a “I don’t need to see a serious future with someone I’m dating, it’s just to have fun.” But could anything be more selfish, more unfair, more an insult to the both of you?
 
First of all, how do we know that the other member of this couple feels the same way? Perhaps what is just a game for you–something to pass the time until something better comes along–is something serious to them. How many couples exist on two planes of commitment, completely unaware that the other doesn’t share their intentions. And even if you are both completely indifferent about the other in the long-term, why become a couple? Why give your time, romantic energy, or half-hearted commitment to someone you don’t see yourself ending up with–for what are likely completely valid reasons? Why stay in this limbo?

It must be tightly interlocked with our deep, gnawing fear of being single. We just passed Valentine’s Day, and think of the hordes of people who used the occasion to spill out their hearts about how incredibly lonely they felt, how left out from a society they imagined as coupled-up, how less-than being without a significant other made them feel. And you don’t need to have a holiday to see this kind of behavior — even on a Saturday night, you’re bound to hear a friend complain about how they just wish they had someone to go out with — as though friends, family, or just themselves is not company enough. Sometimes I would see these kind of sentiments during the long periods of my singlehood, when I was going out on dates here and there but not feeling anything magical, and feel like the only person my age who didn’t care that I was single. I liked being single! Some of my best memories are walking around my city completely alone, doing everything I want to do in the day and not having to consider another person’s itinerary — seeing sights and being alone with my thoughts. Just sitting by the water with a glass of iced tea and a book was some of the most wonderful pleasures I can recall. Of course, my memories shared with significant others are just as beautiful — though in a different way. And loving running hand-in-hand with someone in the rain doesn’t negate an afternoon-long stroll by myself on a warm spring day."

- Extracted from Thought Catalog

Haha I have been reading way too many articles on Thought Catalog lately!

This post is because I feel the need to add more posts to the "Arty Farty" tag (it looks lonely with only one post categorized under it).

Anyways, I've been wanting to go for the Harry Potter exhibition at the Art Science Museum and since there was an Andy Warhol exhibition going on, might as well go see see look look. $24 to visit two exhibits is not too bad.

Unfortunately they were pretty strict on photo taking so all I managed was a photo at the entrance:

There was a looping video showing how silkscreen printing was used to create those colourful pop art paintings that Andy Warhol was famous for and I thought that was quite cool. And yes there were also a lot of Campbell Soup cans. I wish I can say that I can appreciate the nuances of art a lot better but I guess art isn't really not my thing. Music, maybe.

Then it was down to Basement 1 for HARRY POTTER!!!!

The flying car in Chamber of Secrets

 

Yay! Harry Potter fangirl

Unfortunately again they were very strict on photo taking sooooooooo although I dearly wanted to take some snapshots, I didn't :( I rented an audio guide for $6 but I didn't find it very useful, but I did manage to shoot some Quidditich hoops (I suck at all ball games, magical or not) and sit on the chair that Hagrid sat in. Was expecting the exhibition to be much bigger and grander though. And the merchandise were so expensive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! $6 for a Chocolate Frog (contemplated whether to buy but decided $6 for a piece of chocolate was not worth it) and $6 for the Every Flavour Jelly Beans (the box stated several disgusting sounding flavours which interested me but not enough for me to buy it).

OK almost time to knock off! Spent most of Friday afternoon at the Long Service Award ceremony because I wanted to eat free food and the reception did not disappoint!!! The laksa was yummy slurps~

But really, 人生有几个四十年？So many of my fellow colleagues have spent decades of their lives here, this place is like a second home to them. Like our CEO said, how do we measure the 525,600 minutes of our lives each year?

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee?

Haha yah that is from a song that the CEO played at the ceremony. But like I always like to tell people, 我把我的青春献给这个公司了! 

If by some misfortune I'm still hanging around here next year, it will be my turn to go shake hands with some MD and get a certificate for 5 years of service! Eeeks. Really 佩服 those who have worked here tirelessly for 30 or 40 years.

Yeah you can tell that I'm pretty bored and free at work recently with the sudden increase in blog posts. Haha.

Anyway I just remembered that I've wanted to try baking Rose Cupcakes after trying one from Twelve Cupcakes a few weeks ago.

 

Nah this is not from Twelve Cupcakes

Photo credit: The Curvy Carrot

 

This is the one from Twelve Cupcakes, taken in a totally non-appealing fashion.

You can also see half of a salted caramel cupcake

So that's another on the baking list! Now I'm just sitting at my table and waiting for the minutes to pass..... and I've got class later at 7pm sigh. :(

Oh and I went for a lunch time express manicure/classic pedicure (had to utilize almost expiring voucher) and I have successfully managed to ruin my manicure within minutes of stepping out of the salon. Useless fact of the day!

More baking inspirations... Forget rainbow cakes, these ombre cakes are so pretty!!! *glassy eyes*
 

Photo credit: Glorious Treats

Photo credit: The Idea Room

 

And of course my favourite colour hahahaha

Photo credit: Better with Butter

I hope I have some time to bake this weekend, just started my Project Management course yesterday and I have class from 9am to 4pm this Saturday! X___X

And it's like being a student again after 4 long years, it feels familiar yet foreign, having to deal with projects and presentations and assignments all over again... This is a pretty intensive course, like the university special term, cramming 13 weeks worth of classes into 3 weeks. Le sigh.

I think I'm not cut out to further my studies. I'm simply too lazy. Ahahahahaha.