Epic epic mind blowing conversation yesterday. Again all the hurt and betrayal started coming back, just when I had managed to somewhat shut myself out of it.
Lots of whys, hows, whens, and still, WHY?????? Why do it? WHY??!?!?!?!
It's hypocritical behaviour, especially based on what you said in the past, no amount of justification will right it, and I've effectively lost all respect for you. So it turned from pity, to like to love? Go and do whatever the shit you want with your girlfriend then.
This is going to be one of my life principles from now. Don't ever come into my life if all you are going to do in the end is to leave.
November has been too much of an angsty month. >:(
Another Thought Catalog article - You Don't Hate Your Ex's New Significant Other, You Hate Your Ex
"There is an awful tendency we have as humans to excuse even the most
egregious misdeeds in the people we love. When combined with our
propensity towards jealousy and insecurity, it makes for an extremely
unpleasant display of our more reptilian brain. When we are cheated on,
for example, it is often easier to direct the more brutal edge of your
hatred towards the “other person,” rather than taking a painful look at
the person you love and who you thought loved you just as much. We
direct our anger in the only way it can go that doesn’t require directly
calling into question our relationship.
And when you lose someone you love, when you feel as though you were
kicked out of a home you considered your own for so long, few things are
more painful than to see your love being happy with someone new.
Especially if you were left for this new person, but even if their
romance started some time after the fact, it feels as though someone has
moved into our territory and planted their flag with no thought as to
who may have been there first. We built so much into this person, this
person we considered ours for so long, is now perfectly content
without us. While our happiness is still almost fully dependent on the
whims of someone else, they seem to have forgotten we exist.
We remember them as is easiest and most comfortable, at their best.
No one wants to think that they loved someone so much who wasn’t kind,
who didn’t care about us, who didn’t need us as we did them. It is more
pleasant to paint them in the most gentle, flattering portrait, excusing
every flaw they may have had and the fact that we were only too happy
to want them in spite of it. This new person — a person who is as much a
mystery to us as our ex is a known entity — has no rich history that
needs to be explained away to justify their new behavior. You don’t love
them, you don’t wish they loved you, and they offer only a great threat
to your happiness.
It is easy to turn them into a monster. You can assume the worst and
risk nothing when it comes to your own relationship. You stand to gain
nothing by being friends with them, by being kind, by giving them the
benefit of the doubt. While there is still an ugly, jealous part of you
that wants the person back who so brutally left you — or at least for
them to tell you they still love you so you can do the
rejecting this time — there is no part of you that yearns for the
approval of their new love. In fact, it’s easiest if they hate you. It
allows you to further your dislike of them, to place more of the blame
on them, to call them crazy and assume no responsibility.
But we don’t really hate them. We don’t even know them.
Hell, chances are that we’d probably really like them if we got to know
them. They are not some soulless demon who wormed its way into your
love’s life to ruin yours. They are a human being with an actual heart,
who is capable of seeing the same wonderful things we once did in the
person we loved. The truth is that we are simply hurt, every inch of our
pride battered by our ex’s ability to just toss us aside and ostensibly
recreate all that was so unique to us with someone who doesn’t resemble
us at all. And this pain, this fractured pride, has nowhere tangible to
go except directly to the person who is perhaps least deserving. We
don’t want to yell, we want to cry. We want to be held, to be told that
we’re still worth loving even if the person whom we love the most
doesn’t think so anymore.
It may be the hardest thing to do, but it is crucial to remind
ourselves at every step that no matter how much your broken heart wants
to convince you of hating a stranger, they are not who we are angry
with. We are angry with our ex, and maybe even ourselves a bit for
having let them get away. But the truth is, hating a third party will
not bring your ex back — and even if it did, would you really want it?
Would you want to be a love only worth keeping once you’ve played around
and had your fill of something else? There is nothing to be gained from
being cruel, from perpetuating the cycle of hurt feelings and
misdirected anger. Hate-reading a Facebook page to find out everything
you can possibly dislike about someone only wears on your own heart, and
turning into someone petty enough to do it will never make someone love
you again."
For some reason, this app that I have on my phone decided to notify me of their Daily Verse today.
Psalm 30:5
For his anger is but for a moment,
and his favour is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night,
but joy comes with the morning.
It made me feel marginally better after reading it LOL so I went to google for a more in depth understanding.
Some of the explanations said: "Trauma can enliven the heart and enrich the soul. Clouds do have silver linings, and the leaf will burst again on the dry branch. Eventually, we will find that the grief itself will pass."
and
"Its means that pain is only temporary. It never will last because the truthful end result will be joy."
and
"It means that bad times don't last forever."
Just what I need to soothe my soul!
Psalm 30:5
For his anger is but for a moment,
and his favour is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night,
but joy comes with the morning.
It made me feel marginally better after reading it LOL so I went to google for a more in depth understanding.
Some of the explanations said: "Trauma can enliven the heart and enrich the soul. Clouds do have silver linings, and the leaf will burst again on the dry branch. Eventually, we will find that the grief itself will pass."
and
"Its means that pain is only temporary. It never will last because the truthful end result will be joy."
and
"It means that bad times don't last forever."
Just what I need to soothe my soul!
Why do you have to tell me things like how you spent $77 on a couple ring and that yours is engraved "God is Good" and hers says "All The Time"?
I was never even treated so nicely or even like a girlfriend in the past. What's the point of telling me this? To make me angrier issit?
NOT INTERESTED WITH WHATEVER YOU DO WITH HER.
I was never even treated so nicely or even like a girlfriend in the past. What's the point of telling me this? To make me angrier issit?
NOT INTERESTED WITH WHATEVER YOU DO WITH HER.
Taylor Swift - Back To December
I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life? Tell me, how's your family?
I haven't seen them in a while
You've been good, busier than ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up, and I know why
Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses, and I left them there to die
So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December all the time
These days, I haven't been sleeping
Staying up, playing back myself leaving
When your birthday passed, and I didn't call
Then I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side
And realized I loved you in the fall
And then the cold came, the dark days
When fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love, and all I gave you was goodbye
So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time
I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night
The first time you ever saw me cry
Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right
I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't
So if the chain is on your door, I understand
This is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time, all the time
I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life? Tell me, how's your family?
I haven't seen them in a while
You've been good, busier than ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up, and I know why
Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses, and I left them there to die
So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December all the time
These days, I haven't been sleeping
Staying up, playing back myself leaving
When your birthday passed, and I didn't call
Then I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side
And realized I loved you in the fall
And then the cold came, the dark days
When fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love, and all I gave you was goodbye
So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time
I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night
The first time you ever saw me cry
Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right
I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't
So if the chain is on your door, I understand
This is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time, all the time
My life has been full of drama again.
Recent new developments served to make me even more pissed, and make my battered heart even more dead.
I wouldn't even say I feel hurt anymore because it's more like -WHATEVER- with an eye roll now.
Also good la I need my heart to harden and die in order for the feelings to ebb away and to be able to move on.
But as a result I think I've become more cynical and skeptical especially towards guys, love and relationships. I was once a bushy tailed bright eyed naive and innocent girl who believed in love - pure, geniune, unadulterated love - and had grand visions about love and what it meant, but thanks one guy, my beliefs have been completely shattered. THANK YOU FOR KILLING A PART OF ME.
So the week has pretty much been crappy. Basically felt like shit for the earlier part of the week, was a little emotionally unstable, ended up turning into an obsessive, neurotic stalker, was constantly thinking about him and wondering what he was doing, tormenting myself with thoughts of him and her together out on dates, having fun, being crazily in love, feeling like someone stabbed + twisted the knife in my heart when I saw them posting flirty messages on each other's Facebook walls, and trying to cope with the loss, the emptiness and gaping hole in my life.
It really feels goddamn awful.
Thing about being hurt by the same person over and over again - somehow you get desensitized to it. It still hurts and it doesn't feel good, but the magnitude and impact that you feel can't quite compare to the first time, or the second, or the third... we just get numb, and start to build walls around us to cope.
I have been reading a lot of depressing articles on Thought Catalog, could identify with lots of them. Someone left a comment on an article and this was what it said:
"Why wasn't he afraid of losing you when you were so afraid of losing him? because you never shared yourself with him, never were honest with him... and so he never had a part of you to lose."
Feels like this is me.
***
On Thursday I met with K for dinner. She went through similar shit before (but is now engaged and has her happily ever after!) and I did feel much better after talking to her. That very same night, I got a call from the person who had been ignoring me for the past few days. I did what every silly person would do. I picked up the call.
It was a call telling me that it was over with him and P, and that he felt relieved and somewhat happy about it because to put it mildly, there are many things they can't see eye to eye on. Of course I was skeptical (and rightly so). But ok, I was a little happy that they broke up.
On Friday night I got another call. This time it was J crying over the phone. He was crying because he felt hurt and heartbroken and in his words - "now I know how you feel". WTF. Do you see how many shades of fucked up this was? One simply does not come crying to their ex and expect the ex to lick their wounds for them after they break up with their current boy/girlfriend. Furthermore, I have yet to completely get over him, was still pissed, and was just only starting to feel marginally better about him disappearing from my life. You want to talk about hurt here? WHO IS MORE HURT I ASK YOU?
My first reaction was - eh why the heck are you feeling hurt? Just yesterday you were telling me how happy you were after dumping her. You told me you that didn't even like her. Yet here you are feeling heartbroken. So this only means that what you told me were lies and that you did feel something for her. MEN. I don't understand them.
I honestly felt no sympathy for him because he deserved it. And I told him that. He went into this relationship with both eyes wide open. If you know you don't like the girl, why agree to be with her? This must be karma or something.
And then I got angry and indignant because he and her were together for 3 weeks, and he can be crying over the breakup, while I stuck by him for 2 and a half frigging years, and yet he can be all nonchalant about it. It goes back to the whole he doesn't love me thing which I shall not rehash.
When I was arguing with him he said a whole lotta other stuff like "you can't say that I dumped you because we weren't even boyfriend and girlfriend! How can you dump someone who was never your girlfriend?" Fwah. FUME. 这种没良心的话你也说得出。好歹我也曾经对你付出过，我对你的好绝对不会少过对一个 “男朋友” 的好。贱人！
So in my anger and spite I wrote him another lengthy email lambasting him and basically accusing him of a lot of stuff.
Tonight, just hours ago, I found out through Facebook that they were flirting on each other's wall again. So what does this mean? Ta-dah! Back together again. Zzzzzz.
In spite of myself (yes I should have more backbone seriously), I called him and asked him what the hell happened. Apparently this morning he asked her to reconsider, read my email, got angry, and decided to get together with her. /roll eyes. But then now he is thinking of breaking up with her again because of all the yada yada yada problems AND I also found out that she made personal attacks against me. OK she really crossed the line here. She said I had no pride for sticking to a guy doesn't even like me. She said I was stupid and an idiot. WAHLAO EH woman what did I do to you? My opinion of you just plunged 10 levels down.
So will J break up with P? Dum dum dum dum. He claims he wants to, but I have a feeling that he won't. Stay tuned.
My life is like a soap opera now and each day brings a new episode. -_- So we'll see what tomorrow brings.
I was just almost gonna recover and then this happened.
The smart thing to do is of course to ignore and remove him from my life completely.
But easier said than done.
One thing I'm pretty sure though, is like what Taylor Swift sang, "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together".
At least now I'm past the stage of feeling down in the dumps and moping and crying.
We all need to learn from this: 7 Dating Lessons I'm Still Working On Learning
Recent new developments served to make me even more pissed, and make my battered heart even more dead.
I wouldn't even say I feel hurt anymore because it's more like -WHATEVER- with an eye roll now.
Also good la I need my heart to harden and die in order for the feelings to ebb away and to be able to move on.
But as a result I think I've become more cynical and skeptical especially towards guys, love and relationships. I was once a bushy tailed bright eyed naive and innocent girl who believed in love - pure, geniune, unadulterated love - and had grand visions about love and what it meant, but thanks one guy, my beliefs have been completely shattered. THANK YOU FOR KILLING A PART OF ME.
So the week has pretty much been crappy. Basically felt like shit for the earlier part of the week, was a little emotionally unstable, ended up turning into an obsessive, neurotic stalker, was constantly thinking about him and wondering what he was doing, tormenting myself with thoughts of him and her together out on dates, having fun, being crazily in love, feeling like someone stabbed + twisted the knife in my heart when I saw them posting flirty messages on each other's Facebook walls, and trying to cope with the loss, the emptiness and gaping hole in my life.
It really feels goddamn awful.
Thing about being hurt by the same person over and over again - somehow you get desensitized to it. It still hurts and it doesn't feel good, but the magnitude and impact that you feel can't quite compare to the first time, or the second, or the third... we just get numb, and start to build walls around us to cope.
I have been reading a lot of depressing articles on Thought Catalog, could identify with lots of them. Someone left a comment on an article and this was what it said:
"Why wasn't he afraid of losing you when you were so afraid of losing him? because you never shared yourself with him, never were honest with him... and so he never had a part of you to lose."
Feels like this is me.
***
On Thursday I met with K for dinner. She went through similar shit before (but is now engaged and has her happily ever after!) and I did feel much better after talking to her. That very same night, I got a call from the person who had been ignoring me for the past few days. I did what every silly person would do. I picked up the call.
It was a call telling me that it was over with him and P, and that he felt relieved and somewhat happy about it because to put it mildly, there are many things they can't see eye to eye on. Of course I was skeptical (and rightly so). But ok, I was a little happy that they broke up.
On Friday night I got another call. This time it was J crying over the phone. He was crying because he felt hurt and heartbroken and in his words - "now I know how you feel". WTF. Do you see how many shades of fucked up this was? One simply does not come crying to their ex and expect the ex to lick their wounds for them after they break up with their current boy/girlfriend. Furthermore, I have yet to completely get over him, was still pissed, and was just only starting to feel marginally better about him disappearing from my life. You want to talk about hurt here? WHO IS MORE HURT I ASK YOU?
My first reaction was - eh why the heck are you feeling hurt? Just yesterday you were telling me how happy you were after dumping her. You told me you that didn't even like her. Yet here you are feeling heartbroken. So this only means that what you told me were lies and that you did feel something for her. MEN. I don't understand them.
I honestly felt no sympathy for him because he deserved it. And I told him that. He went into this relationship with both eyes wide open. If you know you don't like the girl, why agree to be with her? This must be karma or something.
And then I got angry and indignant because he and her were together for 3 weeks, and he can be crying over the breakup, while I stuck by him for 2 and a half frigging years, and yet he can be all nonchalant about it. It goes back to the whole he doesn't love me thing which I shall not rehash.
When I was arguing with him he said a whole lotta other stuff like "you can't say that I dumped you because we weren't even boyfriend and girlfriend! How can you dump someone who was never your girlfriend?" Fwah. FUME. 这种没良心的话你也说得出。好歹我也曾经对你付出过，我对你的好绝对不会少过对一个 “男朋友” 的好。贱人！
So in my anger and spite I wrote him another lengthy email lambasting him and basically accusing him of a lot of stuff.
Tonight, just hours ago, I found out through Facebook that they were flirting on each other's wall again. So what does this mean? Ta-dah! Back together again. Zzzzzz.
In spite of myself (yes I should have more backbone seriously), I called him and asked him what the hell happened. Apparently this morning he asked her to reconsider, read my email, got angry, and decided to get together with her. /roll eyes. But then now he is thinking of breaking up with her again because of all the yada yada yada problems AND I also found out that she made personal attacks against me. OK she really crossed the line here. She said I had no pride for sticking to a guy doesn't even like me. She said I was stupid and an idiot. WAHLAO EH woman what did I do to you? My opinion of you just plunged 10 levels down.
So will J break up with P? Dum dum dum dum. He claims he wants to, but I have a feeling that he won't. Stay tuned.
My life is like a soap opera now and each day brings a new episode. -_- So we'll see what tomorrow brings.
I was just almost gonna recover and then this happened.
The smart thing to do is of course to ignore and remove him from my life completely.
But easier said than done.
One thing I'm pretty sure though, is like what Taylor Swift sang, "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together".
At least now I'm past the stage of feeling down in the dumps and moping and crying.
We all need to learn from this: 7 Dating Lessons I'm Still Working On Learning
Sunday, 18 November 2012
Angst,
Future,
Hurt,
Milestones,
My non-existent love life,
Rants,
Snippets of Life,
Upset
0
comments
I'm feeling really pissed and hurt and betrayed and bitter and and broken and disappointed and I dunno what else now.
So, I wrote a long grandmother email to him basically accusing him of lots of things and in his words - "you want your face-to-face, here's your face-to-face". So I met him last night.
I got my answers, but I also gained several new revelations.
1) He basically stopped having any feelings for me for a while. Possibly dating back to August, September, or who knows, maybe even earlier? Things felt "different" he said, especially after he changed jobs we kind of drifted, and then I understood why he was able to jump so readily into another relationship in the turn of the eye without even giving time for the old one to die off. How he was able to move on so easily, how he could completely disregard how I feel. BECAUSE TO HIM IT HAS ALREADY DIED OFF LONG AGO. At first I was hurt that he didn't even respect the relationship enough to at least not jump into another girl's arms immediately but of course, now I realize there was already nothing there to him from a long time ago.
Of course, it feels like shit to know that all this while I have been loving someone who doesn't love me at all.
2) He thought I didn't love him 100% or love him so much to think that we had a future together. He thought I didn't love him because I never expressed myself (verbally) my love for him, unlike his girlfriend. He was so sure that I didn't have any feelings for him because he couldn't feel anything from me. When his girlfriend observed that I still had feelings for him during the JB trip, he told his her "Definitely not, impossible". To him it's like, he has always been the one initiating most conversations, he's been the one calling me (that's true), hence he thought I was no longer interested.
WELL. HE IS VERY WRONG. When I expressed myself verbally, it was met with no replies or nonchalance. Since my verbal expressions were not reciprocated, I gradually stopped doing it. However, I expressed myself through ACTIONS. Actions speak louder than words, or so I thought. I may be passive but I have always been there for him, silently by his side offering him the support he needs. I ask about his well-being, I show care and concern about his life and the things happening around him, I show him physical affection, I made special trips down to his office to meet him for lunch, I buy stuff that he needs. (This article here expresses very well how I feel about him: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/how-i-know-i-love-you/) Apparently all this does not constitue liking or love, he thinks normal friends are also capable of doing stuff like that. So he is dense and dumb and superficial. It is no wonder that he got so easily swayed to be with his girlfriend because she is able to say things that he wants to hear.
3) Since I was the one who pushed him to go to SDN, he thought I would be happy for him when he found someone (also me encouraging him to go meet more girls was a clear sign to him that I no longer liked him - ok, can't argue with that). He did not expect me to feel so hurt and upset and betrayed now that he found someone. Also, we had many talks along the years about the future, like how I was free to go if I found someone else, and it was obvious that his future did not include me in it. Which is fair. These were the parameters set right at the start.
I didn't know this "no future" thing was so important to him that basically it affected the way he treated me. Because it's like since there's no future, then there's no point anyway, so no need 100%. This "no future" thing is used to justify everything. "No future", so it would have ended sooner or later anyway. "No future", so I could never see you as a potential partner. Why the fuck did he even lead me on for so long if there was "no future"? Yup so you, being perfectly logical and rational, would ask why did you stick with him for so long since there was "no future"? Honestly I have no direct answer to that. It could be (a) I believed as long as there was love, it doesn't matter what the future holds, or (b) I was insecure and as soon as some one paid some bit of attention to me, I clung onto him and didn't want to let go.
And to think all this while I was nothing but sincere and geniune to him, giving my very best. He was the one who begged me to stay when I wanted to leave early this year. I was conflicted, but decided to stay because it killed me to hurt him. Dammit, I even tried to make him feel more secure and assured him I wouldn't leave because he was insecure that I would bolt anyway. Now the tables are turned, he can say that he didn't feel I love him, and he is the one leaving and ruthlessly ditching me. All I wanted was for him to acknowledge my effort and love. What can I say right. I played with fire and got burnt badly. Handed him the knife and allowed him stab me with it.
4) So apparently the reason he is with his girlfriend now despite not liking her all that much is because she can give him the spiritual connection that he needs. Or rather, wants. He likes it that he can attend church with her, discuss about the sermon with her, talk to her about God and other Christianly stuff - that's a connection that he wants to be able to share with his partner. Because of this connection, he is able to see her as a potential life partner, as a wife. Being with her is different, compared to being with me. He said going out with her makes him feel like he is with a wife, because she thinks of him and asks him to try clothes on when they go shopping (oh right and I don't think of you and accommodate you all the time?) And seriously I had no bloody idea that he wanted all this. Honestly, he didn't even strike me as the very religious type. He didn't even talk to me about his religious beliefs (probably because he thinks I don't understand since I'm not a Christian). Worse, I thought we shared a connection but I guess that wasn't the type of connection he wanted. At the end of the day he was never able to see me as something more because I was never able to satisfy him in this aspect. So that's what she has that I don't. That's what's she was able to give him that I can't. Pretty earth-shattering revelation. Knowing that kinda sucks.
Also I guess he thinks I'm not worth it to put in the effort to try and overcome this barrier of ours.
So I guess that's it. 2.5 years of my feelings down the drain just like that. 拍拍屁股就走人。 He said he doesn't want to lead me on anymore and wants me to move on. And for me to move on, he will stop contacting me, stop burdening me with his problems, and withdraw from my life.
I'm finding a bit hard to move on to be honest. I'm too used to having him in my life. I'm like turning into this psychotic stalker with an overactive imagination and constantly obssessing about him. I want to think that this is breaking him apart just like how it is breaking me, that this is just as hard for him, but no? It seems like he is perfectly fine? (Right. He already has another girl to lick his wounds.) It's like every single thing I do I get reminded of him? Every place you go to is flooded with memories of him? How do you move on from something like that?
Also another takeaway point is that I am too damn nice. Being nice gets you no where. Being aggressive gets you what you want. Like his girlfriend P. She's aggressive and she got what she wanted.
Sucks being alone and surrounded with negative thoughts. Even though I've had a 4-day weekend, I really don't feel like going back to work tomorrow.
Sigh what can I say. The road to recovery is long and hard. :'(
So, I wrote a long grandmother email to him basically accusing him of lots of things and in his words - "you want your face-to-face, here's your face-to-face". So I met him last night.
I got my answers, but I also gained several new revelations.
1) He basically stopped having any feelings for me for a while. Possibly dating back to August, September, or who knows, maybe even earlier? Things felt "different" he said, especially after he changed jobs we kind of drifted, and then I understood why he was able to jump so readily into another relationship in the turn of the eye without even giving time for the old one to die off. How he was able to move on so easily, how he could completely disregard how I feel. BECAUSE TO HIM IT HAS ALREADY DIED OFF LONG AGO. At first I was hurt that he didn't even respect the relationship enough to at least not jump into another girl's arms immediately but of course, now I realize there was already nothing there to him from a long time ago.
Of course, it feels like shit to know that all this while I have been loving someone who doesn't love me at all.
2) He thought I didn't love him 100% or love him so much to think that we had a future together. He thought I didn't love him because I never expressed myself (verbally) my love for him, unlike his girlfriend. He was so sure that I didn't have any feelings for him because he couldn't feel anything from me. When his girlfriend observed that I still had feelings for him during the JB trip, he told his her "Definitely not, impossible". To him it's like, he has always been the one initiating most conversations, he's been the one calling me (that's true), hence he thought I was no longer interested.
WELL. HE IS VERY WRONG. When I expressed myself verbally, it was met with no replies or nonchalance. Since my verbal expressions were not reciprocated, I gradually stopped doing it. However, I expressed myself through ACTIONS. Actions speak louder than words, or so I thought. I may be passive but I have always been there for him, silently by his side offering him the support he needs. I ask about his well-being, I show care and concern about his life and the things happening around him, I show him physical affection, I made special trips down to his office to meet him for lunch, I buy stuff that he needs. (This article here expresses very well how I feel about him: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/how-i-know-i-love-you/) Apparently all this does not constitue liking or love, he thinks normal friends are also capable of doing stuff like that. So he is dense and dumb and superficial. It is no wonder that he got so easily swayed to be with his girlfriend because she is able to say things that he wants to hear.
3) Since I was the one who pushed him to go to SDN, he thought I would be happy for him when he found someone (also me encouraging him to go meet more girls was a clear sign to him that I no longer liked him - ok, can't argue with that). He did not expect me to feel so hurt and upset and betrayed now that he found someone. Also, we had many talks along the years about the future, like how I was free to go if I found someone else, and it was obvious that his future did not include me in it. Which is fair. These were the parameters set right at the start.
I didn't know this "no future" thing was so important to him that basically it affected the way he treated me. Because it's like since there's no future, then there's no point anyway, so no need 100%. This "no future" thing is used to justify everything. "No future", so it would have ended sooner or later anyway. "No future", so I could never see you as a potential partner. Why the fuck did he even lead me on for so long if there was "no future"? Yup so you, being perfectly logical and rational, would ask why did you stick with him for so long since there was "no future"? Honestly I have no direct answer to that. It could be (a) I believed as long as there was love, it doesn't matter what the future holds, or (b) I was insecure and as soon as some one paid some bit of attention to me, I clung onto him and didn't want to let go.
And to think all this while I was nothing but sincere and geniune to him, giving my very best. He was the one who begged me to stay when I wanted to leave early this year. I was conflicted, but decided to stay because it killed me to hurt him. Dammit, I even tried to make him feel more secure and assured him I wouldn't leave because he was insecure that I would bolt anyway. Now the tables are turned, he can say that he didn't feel I love him, and he is the one leaving and ruthlessly ditching me. All I wanted was for him to acknowledge my effort and love. What can I say right. I played with fire and got burnt badly. Handed him the knife and allowed him stab me with it.
4) So apparently the reason he is with his girlfriend now despite not liking her all that much is because she can give him the spiritual connection that he needs. Or rather, wants. He likes it that he can attend church with her, discuss about the sermon with her, talk to her about God and other Christianly stuff - that's a connection that he wants to be able to share with his partner. Because of this connection, he is able to see her as a potential life partner, as a wife. Being with her is different, compared to being with me. He said going out with her makes him feel like he is with a wife, because she thinks of him and asks him to try clothes on when they go shopping (oh right and I don't think of you and accommodate you all the time?) And seriously I had no bloody idea that he wanted all this. Honestly, he didn't even strike me as the very religious type. He didn't even talk to me about his religious beliefs (probably because he thinks I don't understand since I'm not a Christian). Worse, I thought we shared a connection but I guess that wasn't the type of connection he wanted. At the end of the day he was never able to see me as something more because I was never able to satisfy him in this aspect. So that's what she has that I don't. That's what's she was able to give him that I can't. Pretty earth-shattering revelation. Knowing that kinda sucks.
Also I guess he thinks I'm not worth it to put in the effort to try and overcome this barrier of ours.
So I guess that's it. 2.5 years of my feelings down the drain just like that. 拍拍屁股就走人。 He said he doesn't want to lead me on anymore and wants me to move on. And for me to move on, he will stop contacting me, stop burdening me with his problems, and withdraw from my life.
I'm finding a bit hard to move on to be honest. I'm too used to having him in my life. I'm like turning into this psychotic stalker with an overactive imagination and constantly obssessing about him. I want to think that this is breaking him apart just like how it is breaking me, that this is just as hard for him, but no? It seems like he is perfectly fine? (Right. He already has another girl to lick his wounds.) It's like every single thing I do I get reminded of him? Every place you go to is flooded with memories of him? How do you move on from something like that?
Also another takeaway point is that I am too damn nice. Being nice gets you no where. Being aggressive gets you what you want. Like his girlfriend P. She's aggressive and she got what she wanted.
Sucks being alone and surrounded with negative thoughts. Even though I've had a 4-day weekend, I really don't feel like going back to work tomorrow.
Sigh what can I say. The road to recovery is long and hard. :'(
From Thought Catalog - Some People Aren't Worth Keeping Around
"At some point in every toxic relationship you’ve got to ask yourself, how much is too much? When frustration and sadness outweigh happiness and joy? When you’ve cried more tears alone than you’ve shared laughs together? At some point you’ve got to look out for yourself and you know that. People are willing to withstand a longer beating when it’s emotional instead of physical, but just think — if someone were repeatedly punching you in the arm you may take a few blows but eventually you’d break. Patience would run out and you’d strike back – or at the very least, get away from the assaulter.
It’s just a matter of realizing when that breaking point has been reached. Unfortunately we don’t always have a specific occurrence that will trigger us hastily finding the nearest exit. Everyday people are cheated on, cussed out, physically harmed, mentally abused – very nasty stuff that you might think it would be easy to leave behind. It’s not always that simple for everyone. Some people want to believe in others to change, to give the person they care for the benefit of the doubt, to holdout hope that one-day things will be better. It’s not always the smart decision, but the smart decision isn’t always the easy one to make, much less follow through on.
Two good people can hurt each other. There’s a misconception that at least one evil party is required for an unhealthy connection, but that’s not the case. Whether it’s between friends or lovers, there can be mistakes made or unfortunate circumstances that lead to one or two genuinely good people unintentionally (or purposefully) doing hurtful things. These are the hardest scenarios. When there’s no distinct bad guy, no clear antagonist or villain to point fingers at. When it’s angel vs. angel… or devil vs. devil.
Whatever the scenario may be, there comes a time when we have to recognize that it just isn’t working out. The friendship isn’t functioning, the girlfriend isn’t making you happy, the boyfriend isn’t treating you the way you deserve to be treated – anything along those lines. It’s never good to quit on people. To give up on a person you care for who is trying and failing is a bad thing, but to cut ties with an individual who is giving zero effort, yet doing a number on your heart makes sense. It’s justifiable. Someone who wants to do right by you but doesn’t always have the right answers or deliver your desires eloquently is usually still worth maintaining a link with. So simply ask yourself – who isn’t?
If there’s a name that instantly comes to mind as a candidate, chances are they deserve every bit of consideration to be removed from your life. Contemplate it. No, there’s no set equation. You can’t take the number of times they’ve made you cry + the number of times they’ve made you smile, divided by time spent in the past week and get a solution. This isn’t mathematical; there are no right answers, only high risks. It’s based off of past experiences and your recollection of how they’ve made you feel. If you’re going to continue to hold someone near your heart, or even hand them the damn thing, they’re going to be capable of damaging it. Just decide, if a potentially broken heart or pain and suffering are worth the alternative of things going well. Damages vs. benefits. The best-case scenario should be worth the risk of the worst case panning out if you’re going to invest that much emotion in a person. Some people aren’t worth keeping around. I know this, you know this – but it’s your unique decision who you surround yourself with and who you dispose of."
"At some point in every toxic relationship you’ve got to ask yourself, how much is too much? When frustration and sadness outweigh happiness and joy? When you’ve cried more tears alone than you’ve shared laughs together? At some point you’ve got to look out for yourself and you know that. People are willing to withstand a longer beating when it’s emotional instead of physical, but just think — if someone were repeatedly punching you in the arm you may take a few blows but eventually you’d break. Patience would run out and you’d strike back – or at the very least, get away from the assaulter.
It’s just a matter of realizing when that breaking point has been reached. Unfortunately we don’t always have a specific occurrence that will trigger us hastily finding the nearest exit. Everyday people are cheated on, cussed out, physically harmed, mentally abused – very nasty stuff that you might think it would be easy to leave behind. It’s not always that simple for everyone. Some people want to believe in others to change, to give the person they care for the benefit of the doubt, to holdout hope that one-day things will be better. It’s not always the smart decision, but the smart decision isn’t always the easy one to make, much less follow through on.
Two good people can hurt each other. There’s a misconception that at least one evil party is required for an unhealthy connection, but that’s not the case. Whether it’s between friends or lovers, there can be mistakes made or unfortunate circumstances that lead to one or two genuinely good people unintentionally (or purposefully) doing hurtful things. These are the hardest scenarios. When there’s no distinct bad guy, no clear antagonist or villain to point fingers at. When it’s angel vs. angel… or devil vs. devil.
Whatever the scenario may be, there comes a time when we have to recognize that it just isn’t working out. The friendship isn’t functioning, the girlfriend isn’t making you happy, the boyfriend isn’t treating you the way you deserve to be treated – anything along those lines. It’s never good to quit on people. To give up on a person you care for who is trying and failing is a bad thing, but to cut ties with an individual who is giving zero effort, yet doing a number on your heart makes sense. It’s justifiable. Someone who wants to do right by you but doesn’t always have the right answers or deliver your desires eloquently is usually still worth maintaining a link with. So simply ask yourself – who isn’t?
If there’s a name that instantly comes to mind as a candidate, chances are they deserve every bit of consideration to be removed from your life. Contemplate it. No, there’s no set equation. You can’t take the number of times they’ve made you cry + the number of times they’ve made you smile, divided by time spent in the past week and get a solution. This isn’t mathematical; there are no right answers, only high risks. It’s based off of past experiences and your recollection of how they’ve made you feel. If you’re going to continue to hold someone near your heart, or even hand them the damn thing, they’re going to be capable of damaging it. Just decide, if a potentially broken heart or pain and suffering are worth the alternative of things going well. Damages vs. benefits. The best-case scenario should be worth the risk of the worst case panning out if you’re going to invest that much emotion in a person. Some people aren’t worth keeping around. I know this, you know this – but it’s your unique decision who you surround yourself with and who you dispose of."
Early last Sunday morning on the very nice date of 11 Nov, I did an incredible thing.
I COMPLETED MY FIRST HALF MARATHON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*cue awesome fireworks and raucous applause*
Despite having just recovered from food poisoning or indigestion or I dunno what after coming back from Taiwan, battling a cough, and feeling like shitting throughout the whole 21km, I STILL DID IT!!! Feeling very accomplished now. My first achievement as I turned 27. Hahahaha.
For a while I thought I really had to give up running this Great Eastern Run due to my cough but I thought, heck it, I'll just take it easy and slow. Completing it is more important than clocking a good time. I didn't want all my attempts at training to go to waste!
So according to the official results, I'm ranked #839, and my nett time is 02:56:24.67.
At 6km - 00:47:03.76
At 12.5km - 01:42:55.99
According to my Runkeeper,
THE Half Marathon
Distance covered: 21.97km
Time: 2:57:55
Average speed: 7.41km/h
And I burned a 1106 worth of calories!
I think that's a pretty good pace considering I walked a lot and didn't even eat anything before the run. All I had was water and 100Plus along the way. Was seriously stoned when I woke up, having slept only 1.5 hours. AND super upset that I lost my furball mobile dust plug while on my way to catch the shuttle bus in the morning. :(
I COMPLETED MY FIRST HALF MARATHON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*cue awesome fireworks and raucous applause*
Despite having just recovered from food poisoning or indigestion or I dunno what after coming back from Taiwan, battling a cough, and feeling like shitting throughout the whole 21km, I STILL DID IT!!! Feeling very accomplished now. My first achievement as I turned 27. Hahahaha.
For a while I thought I really had to give up running this Great Eastern Run due to my cough but I thought, heck it, I'll just take it easy and slow. Completing it is more important than clocking a good time. I didn't want all my attempts at training to go to waste!
How I felt during the entire run:
1-7km: SLEEPY and need to shit.
7-15km: Seriously cannot remember. Was a haze. Walked and jogged. And need to shit.
15-18km: HUNGRY and need to shit.
18km
onwards: Still hungry but OMG I CAN SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE
TUNNEL!!! Just 3 more measly kilometres (which started to feel like eternity btw)!!! Mustering a spurt of energy to move forward. But still need to
shit.So according to the official results, I'm ranked #839, and my nett time is 02:56:24.67.
At 6km - 00:47:03.76
At 12.5km - 01:42:55.99
According to my Runkeeper,
THE Half Marathon
Distance covered: 21.97km
Time: 2:57:55
Average speed: 7.41km/h
And I burned a 1106 worth of calories!
I think that's a pretty good pace considering I walked a lot and didn't even eat anything before the run. All I had was water and 100Plus along the way. Was seriously stoned when I woke up, having slept only 1.5 hours. AND super upset that I lost my furball mobile dust plug while on my way to catch the shuttle bus in the morning. :(
Pain is temporary, pride lasts a lifetime
Mom and sis also took part in the 5km run!
OK no more half marathons for me! Or at least for the next 1 year... LOL. Sticking to 10km runs from now!
HIMYM Season 8 Episode 5
Ted proposed to Victoria. Victoria issued him an ultimatum - if she marries him, he cannot remain friends with Robin.
Ted to Lily and Marshall: I can't imagine life without Robin, but she'll never be in love with me. She'll never be my wife, she'll never be the person I grow old with. Victoria... Victoria could be.
***
Ted to Victoria: I'm not in love with Robin, but she's like family to me and I can't end that. So... can you accept that?
Victoria: I really hope you get her some day.
Poor Ted.
HIMYM Season 8 Epsiode 6
Robin thinks Nick is dumb and wants to break up with him but she keeps getting distracted by his hot abs or keeps procrastinating. After hearing yet another failed break-up attempt over the speaker phone, Barney rushes over to the cafe where they are at.
Barney to Nick and Robin: She can't go home with you Nick, because Robin and I are in love. I love her, Nick. I love everything about her. And I'm not a guy who says that lightly - I'm a guy who has faked love his entire life. I thought love was just something idiots thought they felt. But this woman has a hold on my heart that I could not break if I wanted to. And there have been times that I wanted to. It has been - overwhelming, and humbling, and even painful at times. But I could not stop loving her any more than I could stop breathing. I am hopelessly, irretrievably in love with her - more than she knows.
Bravo Barney. Even if you did pretend that you were faking it afterwards. I am all for Barney and Robin! But yes, poor Ted. I feel a bit like Ted sometimes. Sometimes I watch HIMYM and see bits of my life staring right back at me. How do ex-lovers remain close friends? They just get tangled up in each other's life and things get complicated.
Anyway bear with me here while my blog gets filled with emo, angsty, self-pitying, self-loathing, self-deprecating posts from time to time for the next few days/weeks/months.
Some quotes that I got off from Twitter that I've amassed over the years. They are like mini bowls of Chicken Soup for the Soul lol.
"How do you look at the boy you love and tell yourself it's time to walk away?"
"When you come to matter in someone's life, it's unfair to just up and go as and when you please."
"Don't ever beg someone you love to love you back. It's pathetic. Just leave them. That is how you hold your pride."
"While I was holding on, all you did was let go."
"I guess the reason why I held on for this long is because I thought we would one day get our second chance."
"When you love someone and you're insecure, you cling." - omg I think I'm completely like that. I clung on to a toxic relationship when somebody paid attention to me because no one else ever did and you think no one else ever will.
"Moving on is not forgetting. Moving on is actually accepting. The truth is when you loved someone, you will love them forever. When you see this person again there's no feeling of hurt or anger or wanting. That's when you know you moved on."
And speaking of moving on, this is a very good article - What Moving On Is Like - from Thought Catalog. Extracts -
Ted proposed to Victoria. Victoria issued him an ultimatum - if she marries him, he cannot remain friends with Robin.
Ted to Lily and Marshall: I can't imagine life without Robin, but she'll never be in love with me. She'll never be my wife, she'll never be the person I grow old with. Victoria... Victoria could be.
***
Ted to Victoria: I'm not in love with Robin, but she's like family to me and I can't end that. So... can you accept that?
Victoria: I really hope you get her some day.
Poor Ted.
HIMYM Season 8 Epsiode 6
Robin thinks Nick is dumb and wants to break up with him but she keeps getting distracted by his hot abs or keeps procrastinating. After hearing yet another failed break-up attempt over the speaker phone, Barney rushes over to the cafe where they are at.
Barney to Nick and Robin: She can't go home with you Nick, because Robin and I are in love. I love her, Nick. I love everything about her. And I'm not a guy who says that lightly - I'm a guy who has faked love his entire life. I thought love was just something idiots thought they felt. But this woman has a hold on my heart that I could not break if I wanted to. And there have been times that I wanted to. It has been - overwhelming, and humbling, and even painful at times. But I could not stop loving her any more than I could stop breathing. I am hopelessly, irretrievably in love with her - more than she knows.
Bravo Barney. Even if you did pretend that you were faking it afterwards. I am all for Barney and Robin! But yes, poor Ted. I feel a bit like Ted sometimes. Sometimes I watch HIMYM and see bits of my life staring right back at me. How do ex-lovers remain close friends? They just get tangled up in each other's life and things get complicated.
Anyway bear with me here while my blog gets filled with emo, angsty, self-pitying, self-loathing, self-deprecating posts from time to time for the next few days/weeks/months.
Some quotes that I got off from Twitter that I've amassed over the years. They are like mini bowls of Chicken Soup for the Soul lol.
"How do you look at the boy you love and tell yourself it's time to walk away?"
"When you come to matter in someone's life, it's unfair to just up and go as and when you please."
"Don't ever beg someone you love to love you back. It's pathetic. Just leave them. That is how you hold your pride."
"While I was holding on, all you did was let go."
"I guess the reason why I held on for this long is because I thought we would one day get our second chance."
"When you love someone and you're insecure, you cling." - omg I think I'm completely like that. I clung on to a toxic relationship when somebody paid attention to me because no one else ever did and you think no one else ever will.
"Moving on is not forgetting. Moving on is actually accepting. The truth is when you loved someone, you will love them forever. When you see this person again there's no feeling of hurt or anger or wanting. That's when you know you moved on."
And speaking of moving on, this is a very good article - What Moving On Is Like - from Thought Catalog. Extracts -
"Moving on is like this: one day you forget the taste. The next, you forget the smell. Then the touch. Then the laugh. Then the smile. Then the jokes. Then the eyes, the hair, the hands, the feet. You forget the socks. You forget the fingers, the toes, the sex. You forget the pulses, the beats, the rhythms and how you sometimes felt like they all belonged to you. You forget the words; finally, you forget the voice that spoke them.
Moving on is when you think about him and don’t punish yourself for it, when he begins to evoke more of a scientific response than an emotional one."I will get there!!!
4,753 words, one long-ass essay, a piece of my mind. Signed, sealed, delivered.
That unfortunate chapter of my life shall end here.
In other news, I'm on a 2-day MC, doctor says I have very allergic airways and I'm genetically pre-disposed to allergic coughing. Cold blasts of wind, sudden changes in temperature, dust particles in the air, and all sorts of stuff may trigger a cough. Bleah I have weak lungs.
I've taken more MC days in this year alone than in all 27 years of my school and work life I think. -_- But also good la. Seriously had no mood to work for this entire week. With the coughing and all the shit happening. Plus bosses are away on a week-long business trip. No government. Office laptop crashed yesterday. No mood to work also.
That unfortunate chapter of my life shall end here.
In other news, I'm on a 2-day MC, doctor says I have very allergic airways and I'm genetically pre-disposed to allergic coughing. Cold blasts of wind, sudden changes in temperature, dust particles in the air, and all sorts of stuff may trigger a cough. Bleah I have weak lungs.
I've taken more MC days in this year alone than in all 27 years of my school and work life I think. -_- But also good la. Seriously had no mood to work for this entire week. With the coughing and all the shit happening. Plus bosses are away on a week-long business trip. No government. Office laptop crashed yesterday. No mood to work also.
It amazes me that some people's feelings can be switched on and off like a tap.
For 2.5 years you don't feel guilty and then after that night at JB you suddenly feel guilty about leading me on and hence decided to not like me anymore? WTF. OK. Well done.
I know I shouldn't care about this anymore but it doesn't feel good to know that you told the other girl that you have no more feelings for me. It's like I didn't even mean anything to you.
Unfortunately it is not so easy for me. The scars on my knees and elbow. Every time I look at it I get reminded of you.
For 2.5 years you don't feel guilty and then after that night at JB you suddenly feel guilty about leading me on and hence decided to not like me anymore? WTF. OK. Well done.
I know I shouldn't care about this anymore but it doesn't feel good to know that you told the other girl that you have no more feelings for me. It's like I didn't even mean anything to you.
Unfortunately it is not so easy for me. The scars on my knees and elbow. Every time I look at it I get reminded of you.
OK I gotta get this out when I'm still feeling all charged up.
This is going to be a long story.
It all started way back in 2010, when I was briefly together with this person, whom for the purposes of this post, we shall call J.
J and I were only "officially" - and not even that officially because it was a 偷偷摸摸地下情 - together for about a month then the whole China shebang happened.
But frankly, with the benefit of hindsight, this relationship was doomed right from the start. We both knew nothing good could happen out of it since I didn't subscribe to his religious beliefs and this was a "hard rule" for him. But for whatever reason - youth? impulsiveness? the itch to give something a try? - took over and it lasted way longer than it should.
By that I meant it should have ended right after we came back from China. And I did believe it could have ended there, if not for the fact that I went begging for forgiveness (wtf I also dunno what I did that needs forgiving). Ah, if only I had that little bit more 骨气.
But well you know, they say pride takes second place if you love somebody and at that point in time I thought I did.
J couldn't acknowledge me as his girlfriend, so it dragged on in a neither-here-nor-there state for the next 2 years. Popular culture calls it "friends with benefits" without the sex but I prefer the term "relationship of convenience". It sounds classier LOL. We were treading dangerously on the line between platonic friendship and something deeper.
Of course, the 2 years from mid-2010 to early 2012 weren't all breezy, and most of the time I was struggling with this... state of limbo. Wanting more but never being able to get it. Having to be contented with whatever I can get. Other times I was perfectly happy with the things were. No need to plan my life around another person or to be accountable to them. A low-fuss "relationship" that doesn't interefere with my life. When it's convenient, we get together. When it's not, we do our own thing. It suited my lifestyle pretty well.
The most memorable dispute we had over this was some time in March - April this year, after coming back from the Hong Kong trip. I disliked the fact that I had to lie and cover up my lies with more lies and wasn't at peace. So I wanted out. I remember feeling terrible back then, crying my eyes out everywhere, on the train, at work, over dinner and poor Saint and Empress had to tahan my outbursts and rants.
Saint said he was being emotionally manipulative and yeah perhaps he was (haha well all I can say is KARMA YO~ because now he is being manipulated by another girl) but then I somehow got persuaded to stay. Remain as status quo. Continue with this close-but-not-together relationship until one of us finds his/her Mr/Ms Right.
Of course, the bright sparks among you will shake your head and think, this is so so so flawed and does not make sense. Someone will get hurt in the end. YES! Of course! And I foolishly thought, ok, better me getting hurt than him, because I don't want to hurt him. Yes yes, I know, but do not question my sanity based on this story, for I am usually quite a rational and balanced individual.
So yada yada things continued merrily along, but as with all relationships, be it friendships or romantic ones, it has to be maintained. It has to work both ways. Effort has to be invested. I don't see it happening in this situation. J is always the complainer, complaining about his work, his job, whatever is happening in his life, and about how suay he is, and I'm always the ever patient (ok sometimes very impatient - I have my limits) listener who tries to empathaize. I am always the one providing assistance, telling him what to do, teaching him how to do it, probing him to do stuff. He on the other hand, seems to take all of this for granted.
Never mind, fine. Even though he irks me to no end sometimes, even though I feel super exasperated at his thick-headedness and indecisiveness, even though I hate his un-gallantness and the fact that he is super uncaring and never bothers to at least show some care and concern towards me, I do all this out of my own free will. Because I thought I still had some shred of feelings for him. The big outpouring of love might have dwindled, but there's still something. Maybe it's not love anymore? But I don't know what it is. The comfort and familiarity?
He changed jobs in September, and things got interesting. From being able to see each other a few times a week, we could never find time to meet. And the thing is he didn't even seem to bother or make an effort to meet. To be fair, I was also pretty busy with my course then.
And all the while, he kept complaining about not meeting girls and the fact that no girls like him (this has been a recurring topic for the 2+ years) - so I said, go to the SDN website and look if you are so desperate. YES! I pushed him to go to SDN! Coz remember my theory? Better that he finds a girl first and finds his happily ever after.
So look he did, and he somehow he chatted this girl up (we shall call her P). They attend the same church, and P was a pretty sociable girl, so pretty soon they were chatting daily on whatsapp. That progressed to meet ups, and within a span of a week of knowing her, he invited her to go to JB.
Ok I gotta explain about JB. I was out shopping with him in the day and then went to play mahjong with his parents after that. It was the long weekend and he was thinking of something interesting to do. So initially it was just me, him and his friend who would drive us up. But over mahjong, he kept whataspping P, and somehow invited P to JB too. (The interesting thing is that prior to this, he thought P ignored him for 3 days because of a joke that he made. And for those 3 days I had to endure his complaints about how P ignored him and how he will never be with a person like her. And then WOAH suddenly, they're good again?) Yup so that is how I ended up on a short evening trip to JB for dinner and a body scrub with J and 2 strangers (in a Mercedes. It's a miracle we were not mugged).
During the JB trip, P somehow managed to guess that I had some shred of feelings for J (that woman must have bionic eyes). So the idiot J said, yes, I'm one of his exes. And I was pretty certain P was interested in J. All this transpired while we 3 were sitting at the spa, whatsapping each other without talking. AWKWARD MUCH.
Yup so where does that leave me? You bring a girl who is interested in you out with a girl who has been steadfastly been by your side for 3 effing years and basically ignore her for the whole journey? Am I supposed to not be jealous and feel gracious here?
By now you should be reading this and thinking that J is SUPER DENSE. Yes that is correct, you are on the right track.
SO. The next day after the awkward outing, I did not even hear a whisper from J at all. What I heard on Monday, was him saying that P confessed her feelings to him. J was now conflicted because he doesn't like her all that much. Says her personality not compatible with his, yada yada, and other excuses which I will mercifully leave out. From what I heard, P basically poured her heart and innermost secrets out to J, and at her most vulnerable, J didn't have the heart to reject her. BUT, he didn't accept her either. He just left her hanging. Do you see some kind of a pattern here? I'm gonna put in one more criteria for my future boyfriend/husband. I HATE WISHY-WASY INDECISIVE GUYS. DUDE. Don't lead a girl on if you are not interested in her.
And also tell me if I am being unreasonable here. You can't even be bothered to text me for the whole entire Sunday to apologize for your shitty behaviour and for putting me in an awkward position for the JB outing, and yet when P said she needed to talk, he drove down to meet her straightaway? His lame excuse is - "morning got church, afternoon had to go Sim Lim to buy stuff, then went home to watch F1, then after that the thing with P happened". WAH you can drive to meet her but you cannot even spend a minute to text me. I am even less important than F1 in his heart. THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW WHERE I STAND. THANKS A LOT.
So the timeline. That was the Monday before my birthday. The next few days all I heard about was P, P and more P. For my birthday dinner, I heard more about P and how he will never accept her because of various reasons. And for the record, up till the day of my birthday, he hasn't told P that he doesn't want to be with her. I believe P was still hoping for her chance and I believe they were still in constant contact via whatsapp.
Told the bugger, BE A MAN AND BE DECISIVE! You better tell her asap, if you don't want to be with her better tell her straight. And he said, ok, I'll tell her on Saturday. So Saturday came and went. No updates. I left for Taiwan that night and in Taiwan, I whatsapped him a few times. NO REPLY. OK, he is purposely avoiding my questions.
When I came back from Taiwan, I found out that he somehow agreed to go overseas with her to celebrate his birthday. Eh. Ok. I thought WE had a plan to celebrate his birthday together? I'm starting to feel cheated and betrayed here. Alarm bells starting to ring.
Then came today. The crux of the plot.
Basically, he somehow got "manipulated" (his own words) by P to be with her and THEY GOT TOGETHER A WEEK AGO. That would be Sunday, the day after I left for Taiwan, the day after he said he would make things clear to her. However, he maintains that he is regretting it and he knows it won't work, he doesn't even like her, and hence he wants out.
*CUE THUNDER AND LIGHTNING*
My question is then, WHY THE HECK ARE YOU WITH HER IF YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE HER OR WANT TO BE WITH HER?! Are you just feeling sympathy for her and somehow mistook it as liking? Or are you so eager to settle down that you just grab any girl that comes by? Are girls toys for you to play with? He cannot answer, basically just saying he was manipulated by her. So basically when a girl cries, hugs you and says stuff like, oh, I really really like you, guys will melt and they will relent. Ooooooookay. Good trick. I am so going to try that on guys next time so that they will drop into my lap like flies.
Honestly I should have seen it coming, the telltale signs were all there. J claims that he doesn't like her, YET his actions prove otherwise - rushing down to meet her when she needs to pour her heart out, letting her cry in his arms, whatsapping daily, meeting up regularly after work, sending her home... IS THIS WHAT A PERSON WHO IS NOT INTERESTED IN ANOTHER PARTY WILL BE DOING I ASK YOU?! You claim that you want to be friends with her first and get to know her better but you doesn't seem to realize that to P this could be signs of courtship.
Then comes the feelings of betrayal. For the past 2.5 years I have been his rock and his support, steadfastly putting up with all his bullshit and crap, and then in the turn of the eye, he can go and get together with another girl. Of course, I should have expected this, I mean what else can you expect in a "no strings attached" kind of relationship? He is free to go, I am free to leave.
But that doesn't mean I can't feel indignant about how easy it is for him to just throw away everything we shared and move on as if nothing ever happened. What a world class asshole.
AND, he is dense enough to not realize that I have been holding out for him for the past 2.5 years and still had feelings for him UNTIL P told him. Please lah. Go and use your brains and think. Which other girl would be stupid enough to put up with your bullshit if they didn't like you?
Apparently, P is now uncomfortable that he shares such a close relationship with me, and forbids him to contact me or meet up with me individually. That is why he has no choice but to tell me about his new relationship status. Because they have been quarrelling about this every time.
Why the hell then J, didn't you tell me right away when you got together with P? Oh, his excuse was that because I was in Taiwan and he didn't want to spoil my trip. But to be honest I already half-suspected during the trip. The signs were there - the ignored messages (apparently she checks his phone), the changed profile picture. I am such a threat to her, wow!
And oh, the audacity. When I asked why don't you meet me face-to-face and talk, he said, what, you expect me to take the train to your house and talk to you at your void deck? ESKEW ME, you can rush down to meet P just one week after knowing her, and you cannot do the same for someone who has been your constant for the past 2.5 years? SERIOUSLY. I'm not even worth a face-to-face talk. It just shows how much I mean to him.
Yes I see all of you out there shaking your heads, thinking, you foolish girl! You have been made use of! I am nothing more than a willing sponge in his eyes, soaking and cleaning up his mess! Yeah, I see that now. Actually, I've seen that a long time ago. Friends around me have been telling me that. But what can I say? I was a willing party. Foolishly willing to settle for less and get into this no-status shit. So yup, I had it coming for a long time. In a way, I was prepared for this. People come into our lives, either as a blessing or a lesson. This one is definitely a lesson. But with hindsight, we can laugh and poke fun at our mistakes and hopefully not repeat them.
In truth I am not even half as hurt as I was in the past. It's like...after all the nonsense that you put me through, nothing can faze me anymore! I'm over wasting tears and energy on this guy. Maybe I'm used to it, maybe I'm numb to it? Yes perhaps the word is INDIFFERENT. I know I have completely reached the stage of getting over him when I feel indifferent towards him. Hurray!
I'm still waiting to feel liberated, for I can finally say that I'M FREE!!! My heart has been freed from enslavery! But hmmm. Liberation is not quite here yet. Maybe moving on will take some time.
Now I'm single (wtf I've always been) and ready to mingle but of course must QC a bit first. My 5 readers out there, if you have any eligible single guy friends who is nothing like the jerk I just mentioned above, please intro LOL. I am a pretty awesome person if I can say so myself LOL.
All I can say is, your loss, J. Entirely your loss. May you get the happiness that you so desire, be it with P or someone else.
[Also the reason I am writing this out here is because I know only a few of you read this. The rest who don't read don't need to know and they probably only know sketchy details anyway. I don't want to spend time during meet ups repeating this story over and over.]
This is going to be a long story.
It all started way back in 2010, when I was briefly together with this person, whom for the purposes of this post, we shall call J.
J and I were only "officially" - and not even that officially because it was a 偷偷摸摸地下情 - together for about a month then the whole China shebang happened.
But frankly, with the benefit of hindsight, this relationship was doomed right from the start. We both knew nothing good could happen out of it since I didn't subscribe to his religious beliefs and this was a "hard rule" for him. But for whatever reason - youth? impulsiveness? the itch to give something a try? - took over and it lasted way longer than it should.
By that I meant it should have ended right after we came back from China. And I did believe it could have ended there, if not for the fact that I went begging for forgiveness (wtf I also dunno what I did that needs forgiving). Ah, if only I had that little bit more 骨气.
But well you know, they say pride takes second place if you love somebody and at that point in time I thought I did.
J couldn't acknowledge me as his girlfriend, so it dragged on in a neither-here-nor-there state for the next 2 years. Popular culture calls it "friends with benefits" without the sex but I prefer the term "relationship of convenience". It sounds classier LOL. We were treading dangerously on the line between platonic friendship and something deeper.
Of course, the 2 years from mid-2010 to early 2012 weren't all breezy, and most of the time I was struggling with this... state of limbo. Wanting more but never being able to get it. Having to be contented with whatever I can get. Other times I was perfectly happy with the things were. No need to plan my life around another person or to be accountable to them. A low-fuss "relationship" that doesn't interefere with my life. When it's convenient, we get together. When it's not, we do our own thing. It suited my lifestyle pretty well.
The most memorable dispute we had over this was some time in March - April this year, after coming back from the Hong Kong trip. I disliked the fact that I had to lie and cover up my lies with more lies and wasn't at peace. So I wanted out. I remember feeling terrible back then, crying my eyes out everywhere, on the train, at work, over dinner and poor Saint and Empress had to tahan my outbursts and rants.
Saint said he was being emotionally manipulative and yeah perhaps he was (haha well all I can say is KARMA YO~ because now he is being manipulated by another girl) but then I somehow got persuaded to stay. Remain as status quo. Continue with this close-but-not-together relationship until one of us finds his/her Mr/Ms Right.
Of course, the bright sparks among you will shake your head and think, this is so so so flawed and does not make sense. Someone will get hurt in the end. YES! Of course! And I foolishly thought, ok, better me getting hurt than him, because I don't want to hurt him. Yes yes, I know, but do not question my sanity based on this story, for I am usually quite a rational and balanced individual.
So yada yada things continued merrily along, but as with all relationships, be it friendships or romantic ones, it has to be maintained. It has to work both ways. Effort has to be invested. I don't see it happening in this situation. J is always the complainer, complaining about his work, his job, whatever is happening in his life, and about how suay he is, and I'm always the ever patient (ok sometimes very impatient - I have my limits) listener who tries to empathaize. I am always the one providing assistance, telling him what to do, teaching him how to do it, probing him to do stuff. He on the other hand, seems to take all of this for granted.
Never mind, fine. Even though he irks me to no end sometimes, even though I feel super exasperated at his thick-headedness and indecisiveness, even though I hate his un-gallantness and the fact that he is super uncaring and never bothers to at least show some care and concern towards me, I do all this out of my own free will. Because I thought I still had some shred of feelings for him. The big outpouring of love might have dwindled, but there's still something. Maybe it's not love anymore? But I don't know what it is. The comfort and familiarity?
He changed jobs in September, and things got interesting. From being able to see each other a few times a week, we could never find time to meet. And the thing is he didn't even seem to bother or make an effort to meet. To be fair, I was also pretty busy with my course then.
And all the while, he kept complaining about not meeting girls and the fact that no girls like him (this has been a recurring topic for the 2+ years) - so I said, go to the SDN website and look if you are so desperate. YES! I pushed him to go to SDN! Coz remember my theory? Better that he finds a girl first and finds his happily ever after.
So look he did, and he somehow he chatted this girl up (we shall call her P). They attend the same church, and P was a pretty sociable girl, so pretty soon they were chatting daily on whatsapp. That progressed to meet ups, and within a span of a week of knowing her, he invited her to go to JB.
Ok I gotta explain about JB. I was out shopping with him in the day and then went to play mahjong with his parents after that. It was the long weekend and he was thinking of something interesting to do. So initially it was just me, him and his friend who would drive us up. But over mahjong, he kept whataspping P, and somehow invited P to JB too. (The interesting thing is that prior to this, he thought P ignored him for 3 days because of a joke that he made. And for those 3 days I had to endure his complaints about how P ignored him and how he will never be with a person like her. And then WOAH suddenly, they're good again?) Yup so that is how I ended up on a short evening trip to JB for dinner and a body scrub with J and 2 strangers (in a Mercedes. It's a miracle we were not mugged).
During the JB trip, P somehow managed to guess that I had some shred of feelings for J (that woman must have bionic eyes). So the idiot J said, yes, I'm one of his exes. And I was pretty certain P was interested in J. All this transpired while we 3 were sitting at the spa, whatsapping each other without talking. AWKWARD MUCH.
Yup so where does that leave me? You bring a girl who is interested in you out with a girl who has been steadfastly been by your side for 3 effing years and basically ignore her for the whole journey? Am I supposed to not be jealous and feel gracious here?
By now you should be reading this and thinking that J is SUPER DENSE. Yes that is correct, you are on the right track.
SO. The next day after the awkward outing, I did not even hear a whisper from J at all. What I heard on Monday, was him saying that P confessed her feelings to him. J was now conflicted because he doesn't like her all that much. Says her personality not compatible with his, yada yada, and other excuses which I will mercifully leave out. From what I heard, P basically poured her heart and innermost secrets out to J, and at her most vulnerable, J didn't have the heart to reject her. BUT, he didn't accept her either. He just left her hanging. Do you see some kind of a pattern here? I'm gonna put in one more criteria for my future boyfriend/husband. I HATE WISHY-WASY INDECISIVE GUYS. DUDE. Don't lead a girl on if you are not interested in her.
And also tell me if I am being unreasonable here. You can't even be bothered to text me for the whole entire Sunday to apologize for your shitty behaviour and for putting me in an awkward position for the JB outing, and yet when P said she needed to talk, he drove down to meet her straightaway? His lame excuse is - "morning got church, afternoon had to go Sim Lim to buy stuff, then went home to watch F1, then after that the thing with P happened". WAH you can drive to meet her but you cannot even spend a minute to text me. I am even less important than F1 in his heart. THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW WHERE I STAND. THANKS A LOT.
So the timeline. That was the Monday before my birthday. The next few days all I heard about was P, P and more P. For my birthday dinner, I heard more about P and how he will never accept her because of various reasons. And for the record, up till the day of my birthday, he hasn't told P that he doesn't want to be with her. I believe P was still hoping for her chance and I believe they were still in constant contact via whatsapp.
Told the bugger, BE A MAN AND BE DECISIVE! You better tell her asap, if you don't want to be with her better tell her straight. And he said, ok, I'll tell her on Saturday. So Saturday came and went. No updates. I left for Taiwan that night and in Taiwan, I whatsapped him a few times. NO REPLY. OK, he is purposely avoiding my questions.
When I came back from Taiwan, I found out that he somehow agreed to go overseas with her to celebrate his birthday. Eh. Ok. I thought WE had a plan to celebrate his birthday together? I'm starting to feel cheated and betrayed here. Alarm bells starting to ring.
Then came today. The crux of the plot.
Basically, he somehow got "manipulated" (his own words) by P to be with her and THEY GOT TOGETHER A WEEK AGO. That would be Sunday, the day after I left for Taiwan, the day after he said he would make things clear to her. However, he maintains that he is regretting it and he knows it won't work, he doesn't even like her, and hence he wants out.
*CUE THUNDER AND LIGHTNING*
My question is then, WHY THE HECK ARE YOU WITH HER IF YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE HER OR WANT TO BE WITH HER?! Are you just feeling sympathy for her and somehow mistook it as liking? Or are you so eager to settle down that you just grab any girl that comes by? Are girls toys for you to play with? He cannot answer, basically just saying he was manipulated by her. So basically when a girl cries, hugs you and says stuff like, oh, I really really like you, guys will melt and they will relent. Ooooooookay. Good trick. I am so going to try that on guys next time so that they will drop into my lap like flies.
Honestly I should have seen it coming, the telltale signs were all there. J claims that he doesn't like her, YET his actions prove otherwise - rushing down to meet her when she needs to pour her heart out, letting her cry in his arms, whatsapping daily, meeting up regularly after work, sending her home... IS THIS WHAT A PERSON WHO IS NOT INTERESTED IN ANOTHER PARTY WILL BE DOING I ASK YOU?! You claim that you want to be friends with her first and get to know her better but you doesn't seem to realize that to P this could be signs of courtship.
Then comes the feelings of betrayal. For the past 2.5 years I have been his rock and his support, steadfastly putting up with all his bullshit and crap, and then in the turn of the eye, he can go and get together with another girl. Of course, I should have expected this, I mean what else can you expect in a "no strings attached" kind of relationship? He is free to go, I am free to leave.
But that doesn't mean I can't feel indignant about how easy it is for him to just throw away everything we shared and move on as if nothing ever happened. What a world class asshole.
AND, he is dense enough to not realize that I have been holding out for him for the past 2.5 years and still had feelings for him UNTIL P told him. Please lah. Go and use your brains and think. Which other girl would be stupid enough to put up with your bullshit if they didn't like you?
Apparently, P is now uncomfortable that he shares such a close relationship with me, and forbids him to contact me or meet up with me individually. That is why he has no choice but to tell me about his new relationship status. Because they have been quarrelling about this every time.
Why the hell then J, didn't you tell me right away when you got together with P? Oh, his excuse was that because I was in Taiwan and he didn't want to spoil my trip. But to be honest I already half-suspected during the trip. The signs were there - the ignored messages (apparently she checks his phone), the changed profile picture. I am such a threat to her, wow!
And oh, the audacity. When I asked why don't you meet me face-to-face and talk, he said, what, you expect me to take the train to your house and talk to you at your void deck? ESKEW ME, you can rush down to meet P just one week after knowing her, and you cannot do the same for someone who has been your constant for the past 2.5 years? SERIOUSLY. I'm not even worth a face-to-face talk. It just shows how much I mean to him.
Yes I see all of you out there shaking your heads, thinking, you foolish girl! You have been made use of! I am nothing more than a willing sponge in his eyes, soaking and cleaning up his mess! Yeah, I see that now. Actually, I've seen that a long time ago. Friends around me have been telling me that. But what can I say? I was a willing party. Foolishly willing to settle for less and get into this no-status shit. So yup, I had it coming for a long time. In a way, I was prepared for this. People come into our lives, either as a blessing or a lesson. This one is definitely a lesson. But with hindsight, we can laugh and poke fun at our mistakes and hopefully not repeat them.
In truth I am not even half as hurt as I was in the past. It's like...after all the nonsense that you put me through, nothing can faze me anymore! I'm over wasting tears and energy on this guy. Maybe I'm used to it, maybe I'm numb to it? Yes perhaps the word is INDIFFERENT. I know I have completely reached the stage of getting over him when I feel indifferent towards him. Hurray!
I'm still waiting to feel liberated, for I can finally say that I'M FREE!!! My heart has been freed from enslavery! But hmmm. Liberation is not quite here yet. Maybe moving on will take some time.
Now I'm single (wtf I've always been) and ready to mingle but of course must QC a bit first. My 5 readers out there, if you have any eligible single guy friends who is nothing like the jerk I just mentioned above, please intro LOL. I am a pretty awesome person if I can say so myself LOL.
All I can say is, your loss, J. Entirely your loss. May you get the happiness that you so desire, be it with P or someone else.
[Also the reason I am writing this out here is because I know only a few of you read this. The rest who don't read don't need to know and they probably only know sketchy details anyway. I don't want to spend time during meet ups repeating this story over and over.]
嗨~ 又老一岁了! :x 快要变成过期的货了。
366 days ago I wrote that may this be the year I climb a mountain and yup that's exactly what I did! :)
So may the 27-year-old me learn how to dive! I do have a couple of other bucket list moments (like journeying to Korea solo or traisping to see the Aurora Borealis!!!) but let's focus on one thing at a time hahahaha.
366 days ago I wrote that may this be the year I climb a mountain and yup that's exactly what I did! :)
So may the 27-year-old me learn how to dive! I do have a couple of other bucket list moments (like journeying to Korea solo or traisping to see the Aurora Borealis!!!) but let's focus on one thing at a time hahahaha.
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