History in the making - UK has exited the European Union. Is it a good time to visit London this year? 1 British Pound is 1.87 SGD now!

In two minds about taking another long holiday in December. On one hand I would really like to, but on the other, we have really limited resources, plus travelling can get quite tiring. Given my limited number of days of leave, I doubt there's really sufficient time to have a real leisurely trip to take in the sights and sounds.

Met up with our independent financial advisor yesterday too and planning to get an early critical illness policy by the end of this year, so that would mean my entire AWS will go to the premium, and not to holidays.

Sigh! All these grown up responsibilities suck. I've always been quite YOLO, so while I try to save, my savings are probably way way lesser than those of my peers. Coz all my money usually goes to holidays and materialistic things. So it's really a bummer that I can't even get to enjoy my money after working hard for one year coz it's got to go into paying insurance premiums.

I just realized people are drawing salaries of 7-8K at my age. If like that then I'm possibly a super underachiever! I thought my husband's salary is already buay pai (1.5x of mine) but he is probably earning the least among all his friends omg.

Also maybe growing older = wanting to stay rooted and losing that spirit of adventure, getting more lethargic, getting more jaded, and that sense of wonderment at new things or even life in general? Practically non-existent. I think it takes a lot more for me to feel amazed and excited about things now.

Haha unbelievable, reading the blog of this girl who said she won't get any laundry done during the week when her mother is away on a work trip.

Not like she very young leh, 25 or 26 already?

How hard is it to throw clothes into the washing machine?

Aiyo is this the new generation that our society is breeding?

Sorry I am totally judging you now! Please don't be so dependent on your parents!!!!

Today at work I also heard a lot about how the kids nowadays find inference difficult coz they don't even observe any more. They are just glued to the phone all the time.

Hence they don't observe, can't think, can't infer.

Wah very sad like that. I don't know what to think of the 草莓族. I think I will die if I work with them.

And the sad thing is, I'll probably still be slogging and have to work with them when they enter the workforce.

Anyway if you haven't watched Descendants of the Sun already (are u hiding in a cave?!), please watch coz I think it's one of the better Korean dramas I've watched recently!

Technology can be such a bane!!!

My yahoo email address decided to stop working suddenly and I'm stranded with a non-functional email address that doesn't receive mail. -___-"

This spells disaster!!! Practically my whole online life is built around that email address! It's been around since I was like 14 or 15?! And all my accounts are linked to it! Banks... social media... whatever random sign ups and mailing lists... blah blah blah. And worse still, with all the wedding prep now, all the correspondences with vendors and stuff!

I've been missing a ton of emails and it's simply not coming in! Yahoo's Help FAQ is also pretty useless. I decided to switch my primary address to Gmail. But it's annoying having to uproot and move to another address when this yahoo one is what I'm used to. Zzzzzz.

Please send all emails to hahaheehee@gmail.com with immediate effect!

LAZY to type out everything again so... copy and paste is the way to go. 

HOUSING WOES

8.57pm: I think no sticker can effectively show how irritated I am with my housing situation. Actually dunno if irritated is the word to use. Just very 无奈。

I am now starting to appreciate the value of a HDB proposal. It's unromantic yes, but right now and in this current day and age I think practically wins over bring romantic. Bread and butter issues (like having a roof over your head) still wins. To think i was adamant that the proposal shld come before the flat. I eat my words now!

Not like paul and I had the luxury of time like other couples who have been dating for years. We got engaged when we were only 10 months old and even if we had heng heng gotten a flat just barely 3 months into the relationship it would have been too rushed and also BTOs take at least 3 years to build.

Now we are potentially homeless after we get married because everything is so expensive. Options are:

1) stay in Paul's house 

We would save some on rental but we have to sleep in the utilities room. Which is right next to the kitchen and toilet. And the room is so tiny it can only fit a bed and nothing else.

Also there is the mother in law and daughter in law relations to consider. And not as much privacy. Travelling time to work for me would be longer.

2a) stay in the flat that Paul's parents are renting out

Pros: more privacy but yet his parents are easily accessible since they are just next door. But that would mean a loss in income for them (they are retired). Of course we would give them more allowance but I doubt we can match up to the rental that they are collecting now.

Which brings me to...

2b) share the rental flat with strangers

Paul and I take 1 bedroom, and the rest of the house gets rented out to strangers. Cons: no privacy, the whole house only has 1 toilet, which means like 5 or 6 ppl gotta share 1 toilet. I'm really not keen.
Pros: Paul's parents get their income, we save on some rental

3) stay at my house

I just proposed this idea to my mom and she's ok, except that she says there's no space and we need to create some space. The roadblock is in the form of my sister. When I proposed that she moves to the study room and 2 of us take the room we usually sleep in (makes more sense, more space there for a queen size bed), she reacted SO NEGATIVELY by screaming and shouting and crying and in tears said she doesn't like the study room. Ok lor, point taken. I can take the study room

But she makes us feel unwelcome. Like I'm an intruder in my own house, hello?! She's already 17 but why cannot be more understanding?! Im only proposing and nothing is cast in stone. Don't have to be so drama and act like I am robbing u of something pls. 

She wants ppl to see her as a young adult then she shld act like one la. I see this i already sian by half. One 5 room flat and 3 ppl staying in it, yet there's no space? Or she's waiting for this day for years and I just shattered her dreams of having her own room?

Also lifestyle issues if Paul stays at my house. I dunno if he will be comfortable. :(

4) rent room from sister and Bro in law

Pros: at least we have a room. And it's an EC so there are facilities that we can use.
Cons: very far from Paul's school and rent chargeable at 700. Looks like the best option for now.
I get conflicting opinions like sisters shld not stay tgt (they are also newly weds after all) and 谈钱伤感情 comments though.

5) rent from HDB's PPHS (?) Scheme

An old refurbished 3-room flat at tiong bahru will cost us 1000 a month. And must see if we are lucky enough to get. I mean our aim really is to reduce cost first so 1000 x 12 months x 3 years is really a sizable amount of money. But compared to 700 for a room at my sister's place in punggol then 1000 for a whole flat in tiong bahru sounds quite ok. Ultimately it's the cost.

6) rent a room from outside 

Cons: wld have to stay with strangers and cost is abt the same as renting from my sister so not likely to opt for this

So irritated la! Is there no space in this whole world for the 2 of us?!?!?! 

Parent management is definitely a very important skill when planning for weddings. Feels like it is my mother getting married instead of me! I must say my sister was smart to not include my mother in the decision making for too many things for her own wedding.

And this whole wedding dinner business is just a sham to recoup losses, show off and invite 10,000 people/relatives who probably don't give two hoots about us anyway. -__- I have insufficient tables to cater to my mother and her guest list! Ballroom can fit only 30 including the spares but she thinks that I'm hoodwinking her coz my sister insisted that hers can only fit 20 and viola on that day another 5 more tables magically appeared haha.

Anyway the newest item for discussion is the day's schedule! Conflicting opinions on how the day should pan out! -_-

I am so lazy to think and plan and talk! Can I just lie down somewhere and let it plan by itself? Hah!

My mother wants 17 tables at my wedding dinner, which is frankly, ridiculous!!!

Our ballroom can fit maximum 30 tables, max maybe 32 if we squeeze. And half of the tables are going to be occupied just by her and her extensive guest list! Wah angry leh! 她在嫁女儿不是娶媳妇叻！Even Paul's relatives are not going to be 17 tables. Not paiseh one seriously.

She is demanding for 14 tables from my poor groom, i.e she will pocket all the angbaos collected from those 14 tables. That is easily $21K that we will have to be prepared to lose for sure. She thinks we print cash?!

For my sister's wedding, she got 10 tables (120 pax in total) which amounts to about $13K or $14K but I have to pay $21K? And my sis and bro-in-law earn much more than we do! I'm gonna haggle it down to 8 tables man. If you want to invite more then you pay more! That is the reality!!!

I'm so annoyed, a wedding is not a time for you to "earn" or "recoup" all the money you "invested" in raising us up! We are already struggling with finances as it is! I get it that it's tradition that the groom "gives" some tables to the brides' side for free to repay them for raising their daughter yada yada filial piety blah blah, but 做人要有分寸！Don't give one inch take one metre! That's another 50 more people she wants to invite grrrrrr and seriously I don't give a hoot if those people are present or not!

I feel very sorry to Paul for having such a mother-in-law :(

Something exciting happened recently!!!

One of my closest friends just gave birth! On 23 Jan 2015!

Although I am not a baby/kid person but it's like a totally new phase in life for Ade and that's definitely worth getting excited about!

Quite scary also... slowly you can see the group progressing from being young swinging singles, to getting attached/engaged, to getting married, and now to becoming mothers!

Speaking of which... Paul kept pushing me to carry Sue Anne when I did not want to. It is very irritating! *rage face*

Imagine watching toenails grow. That is my level of excitement when it comes to carrying babies or cooing over them. I don't yabber on about how Shinhwa is awesome and expect everybody to adore them and want to smoother them with kisses. Likewise! I am just not interested in handling babies, don't understand why it is so difficult to comprehend that. It is not rocket science.

Not that I don't like Sue Anne... I'm sure she's cute and all but then that's just how some people are wired. Like how some people find cats and dogs totally adorable but other people are just don't give a hoot.

Enough about my lack of maternal instincts. If Paul is worried about me not being able to take care of my own kid in future then all I have to say is that I will take care of it (unwilling as I may be) when the time comes.

Presenting the delicate little bundle, Sue Anne Poh!

She looks like she's hungry coz her tongue is out lol. I heard they get hungry every 3 hours at this stage!

Practicing with the concerned father hovering in the background

 

This is probably like a scene from the future LOL

One with the girls!

Sometimes ah~

Not that I don't want to be encouraging or supportive but sometimes it gets quite exasperating if the person you're trying to enlighten doesn't see the light! Sorry ah, I don't know how else I can help.

Let's just say I have a friend who is single and she is very very very eager to find her life partner. Her wish is simple - which is to travel with her life partner.

But at the same time she is a wee bit mopey about it, gets discouraged easily, feels that her life partner will never come, thinks about it all the time, gets anxious and impatient, questions where her life partner is and why isn't God bringing the person to her, and sometimes I get the sense that she is envious of what others have because she knows she'll never get the chance to experience it.

I mean, 爱情不能强求 right? Like Saint's famous words, when it comes, it comes. Or the famous taxi analogy, it comes when you don't want it and it doesn't come when you want it. Or maybe it appears when you least expect it. Of course, always good to keep an open mind like when I was single hurhur and met a few weirdos during the Journey to Better Things - but treat it like a bonus. Excellent if you get one! But if you don't, well life goes on.

I understand where she is coming from because it can honestly get quite sian when all your friends are like busy with their other halves or you're out with a bunch of friends + their halves and you're the only single lonesome person. So I tell her, you need to be patient, let go and trust God since she believes that He has a plan for her. Good things will come. Then comes remarks like "easier said than done", "only I know the pain and how much I want the bonus (i.e. life partner)".

Hitherto lies the problem - if you are longing for it so much, the more you won't get it. Sometimes it's like the universe is conspiring against you. The more you want something, the more difficult it is to attain it. At least that's how I see it, especially when it comes to the intangibles like love, the more desperate you search, the harder it is to find. I think the best way out of this is to LET GO and stop harping on the fact that you have no life partner. Let the universe do its own thing.

Plus if your mindset's already negative then I would think like attracts like; people generally gravitate towards positivity. Also how do you expect to meet new people if all you do is to stay at home?

I would be very happy to see her happy because she is a very loyal friend and she deserves to be happy but sometimes I think my Ms Fix-It tendencies kick in and I try to give her advice, which ends up frustrating me because she is not receptive to my solutions.

Oh well. Sometimes there's no need to offer help when it's not needed; clearly this is a situation where she wants to be left alone to mope in her deep dark thoughts and she probably thinks that I am not in a position console her.

In other news, my LITTLE SISTER is reading the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. *horror gasp*
I tried to ask her (awkward much) if she knows what the book is about and I said there's adult content. (I obviously suck at the birds and bees talk.)

She said she already finished reading the 2nd book and wanted to read the 1st to have context of the story.
-_____-"

I am not sure if a book about SM and tall dark handsome men with issues and vulnerable young things who succumbs to said tall dark handsome man is appropriate for a 16-year-old. I didn't even read sex scenes in books till I was about 17 or 18! And I am not sure if she has the mental capabilities to differentiate between fact and fiction. You know teens these days tend to be very influenced by what they see and read. And not to mention the repetitive adjectives and descriptive phrases, I mean, this book is not what we would call "brain nourishment". At least read a book with better writing!!!

But then sigh, what can I do right. Even if she doesn't get the book from me she'll get it from other sources. I shall trust that my sister is smart enough not to be influenced by 3 books and repetitive words; I think teens nowadays are smarter than we give them credit for. And besides she probably already knows more than what I think she knows. I was a very suaku kid last time but times have changed! Unforuntately she is very very very angsty. I sure hope this angsty teen thing is just a phase.

Shinhwa's 16th anniversary concert was held in Seoul over the weekend and I forgot about it! :(
I have failed as a Shinhwa fan. Hahaha.

OK I have a stack of payment vouchers waiting for me to check. Sigh.

WISH I WAS STILL ON HOLIDAY. :x

Friend says butt pain --> I suggested doing stretches to stretch butt --> Friend says she will pray first

Ok lor. #nocomments

This is bugging me.

I've got a friend who believes that God will heal her and restore her health if she falls sick and gets all sorts of illnesses. Just by praying. She had a lump somewhere and she prayed and she said it went off the next day. 0_o

So we were chatting online and she was complaining about having headaches and sore throat and all and her mom said it could be high blood pressure and so I was like, eh, you already 30 liao so better take care of your health and go for regular health checkups. Do note that she pooh-poohs the idea of going for health checkups because she belongs to the type where she'd rather not find out if something is wrong and will require long term medication. And she's rather plump - nothing against fat people but they are slightly more prone to certain conditions.

Below is an excerpt of our chat:

Her: "God shall renew my youth ~~~"
Me: "God will only help you if u help yourself"
Her: "hahahahahahah

totally wrong

pastor got say before did u ever hear that

God only help those who help themselves

if you help God

u will only create mess

just leave it to God"

At this point I would like to roll my eyes but OK I shall not be disrespectful.

I am highly skeptical of "miracle healing" but I've got friends who say that it does happen. This sort of things, you can't really challenge since it concerns people's faith and beliefs but there's a fine line between blindly believing everything and having faith eh?

To me if you are just going to not take care of your body and believe that God is going to take care of you, then it's just plain silly!

OK perhaps treading on a highly sensitive topic here. But it's irking me! Perhaps that's just my very logical self wanting some attention.

I brought back so much skincare and masks from Korea that I'm having a problem trying to find storage space for them. :x

Anyway it's been a weekend of merciless feasting and that's never good because I haven't been exercising for about 3 weeks :x

Plus I've stopped all my exercise classes at work and I obviously can't continue with the new term in Jan. Need to find alternatives!!!

Helping out at K's wedding as a bridesmaid as a way to usher in the new year. There are bridezillas, but this is the first time I've met a bridesmaidzilla. Girl has has an opinion on EVERYTHING. She is soooo aggressive and dominant that I was wondering whether it was HER wedding or K's wedding. :x Overbearing bridesmaid. Sometimes you gotta know when to back off and not to overstep your boundaries! And no I'm not the only one who feels this way.

And it's also the first time I'm emceeing, in Mandarin no less. :x Why did I volunteer myself for this role! Gahhhhhhh.

I need to catch some sleep.

So I was just minding my own business and moving on with my life when I found myself embroiled in some drama again recently.

I've had some pretty awful and nasty accusations hurled at me (inhumane, disgusting, beast, out to ruin and humiliate him) when I did not even do anything and I wonder why I had the misfortune to meet people who are just so screwed up. Issit I owe him a lot in my past life or something? 0_o

Also, please do not anyhow drag me into your shit. I am not a convenient thing that you can use as a scapegoat. You can have him for FREE! Seriously. Take him! Nobody is fighting over him with you!

On an unrelated (or maybe somewhat related) note, I was chatting with Beefy and presented this scenario to him:

Say there is a girl who really likes you but due to various reason you know both of you have no future together.
But the girl says it's ok, I'll be with you till you find someone else.
Time passes. Girl treats you very well, both of you are happy together, click well, understand each other and enjoys each other's company.
One day you meet another girl whom you think there is a possibility of a future with.
In your mind you think, we spoke about this before and we both agreed to let each other go when we find someone better.
So you leave and get together with the new girl.
The old girl is devastated, but is she entitled to be sad and think of you as an asshole?

Beefy's reply was: "She has the right to be upset but she must bear in mind that she agreed to it."

This is jerk's version of the story and what he told his friends. All his friends think he is at no fault. It seems like the fault belongs to the girl after all - at the end of the day, she asked for it. It's called 自作多情，自找麻烦，白痴愚蠢的行为。

Haha! Wisdom... it always comes too late, and only with the benefit of hindsight.

Since you have no friends, I tried to be your friend. Provided you with that listening ear when you quarrelled with her, was emo-ing, and when you broke up again and again.
But time and time again, you have demonstrated that your words can't be trusted. You have also shown exactly how you treat your friends.

First blocked, then unfriended unceremoniously without a word. I'm not a piece of tissue paper to be used and then discarded carelessly.

I've had it with your so-called "friendship", asshole.

11 月1日出生的人

爱情运：
今天出生的人，恋爱大都不平静，也不平凡。因为在这一天出生的人，具有激烈的情感和强而有力的性欲，以及支配欲。
对恋人有时候表现得极为温柔体贴，可是一下子却又变得很残酷；有时候表现得很热情，有时候却又显得极为冷淡。对自己所爱的对象极为忠实，却也很善妒，同时希望对方付出与自己同等深切的感情。

今天出生的寿星，对异性而言，是相当具有魅力的，但是，在开始交往的初期，天蝎座绝对不会轻易泄露他的缺点。不过，千万不要大意， 也许你一直都可以感觉得到，似乎有人在不知不觉中，悄悄的靠近你，直到你察觉，你已经被他掳获了。再也没有人比今天出生的人，具有更巧妙，且更自然的方 法，在不知不觉中去掳获或欺骗他人的心。今天出生的人骄傲自满，这可以从他对周围的人称赞或恭维的话中看出来。他们想要控制所有的人，而且极端厌恶懦弱的 人。想要和今天出生的人好好交往，要有随机应变的智慧，以及强而有力的性格；这样才能获得他那充满精神性以及肉体性的热情爱恋。

Hurhur so I am the type who will sneakily capture your heart without you realizing it. That must be part of my hidden charm that I have yet to discover. But one point is right, I expect the other party to 付出 as much as I do. 我是具有激烈的情感的人ok!

Anyway the asshole has decided to break and patch with his girlfriend for the umpteenth time... whatevs, I don't even take him seriously anymore when he says "It's over". Asshole is someone who cannot stand being lonely, who is so desperate for companionship that when the girl threatens to leave, he will beg her to stay. He thinks that the love he has for her is like, oh-so-great and nobody else can possibly love her and accept her as much as he does. Asshole also on the other hand, complains that he is being treated like a dog, not respected, and cannot stand her princessy and spendthrift ways, among many other things...

As of Christmas Eve, they broke up (for real this time, he says. He even removed her from Facebook so that means he's dead serious!) because she can't stand his hot temper and as of Christmas day, they're back together again! (And yes, he added her back as a Facebook friend. And then blocked me the very next day.)

爱情是这样给你们玩弄的吗？说分就分，说在一起就在一起？超幼稚。

I think they totally deserve each other and they are a perfect match. Even though I hate to say this, but they look compatible (definitely much better than me with him). So continue playing your childish mind games with each other. Of course after all the shit he put me through, I have no intention of wishing them happiness but ok, 做人要适可而止。I cannot be too evil if not I also won't get good karma.

Last night saw a huge quarrel and I was accused of being judgmental. The reason he called was probably to seek a listening ear from a friend, and not to be criticized. And I admit my tone wasn't very friendly when speaking to him.

Can't help it, every time I talk to him I start to rage. He already has someone, and yet he is telling me stuff like how she doesn't love him the way he wants, how he doesn't think he will marry her but he is holding back from a clean break up with her because he is scared of being lonely, he needs companionship and comfort, and basically he thinks if he lets her go, he will remain single forever and will never be able to find someone else that will love him because he is a guy full of love and he NEEDS somebody to love and love him back. He says that hardly anybody ever enters his life so when someone comes along, he is really eager to make it work. (That's probably why I got dropped like a hot potato when that someone else entered his life.)

Then I get angry because I think about because of the hurt he caused to me and the best part is that he doesn't even realize the damage he inflicted. I start to get all vindictive and malicious and bitter and evil thoughts of not wishing him well start to surface because I think he doesn't even deserve any happiness. He has someone who loves him, I have no one. All his life he had people liking him and crushing on him; he had 2 exes (I'm not an ex coz I was never his gf), now he has her, and he dares to say that he is scared that he can't find anyone in future? That's dumb. I lived 24 years of my life perfectly well without anyone and I survived. Not haeving someone won't make you die please.

And if you are only going to tell me certain bits of the story and not the full picture, why fly into a rage when I form my opinion based on what I know? I don't think I'm being judgmental here.

So why am I still talking to him? Well I don't know. Partly because I think I'm masochistic and I have this need to find out how he is doing and what's happening in his life. But now, after that huge quarrel, he declared to never call me again because all he got was judgement, my very tainted view of things and doubt (because I feel that I cannot trust what he says anymore). He is mad because I still don't know his real personality after so long (I thought I did... but after what happened in recent weeks... no I seriously don't). I sent an apology text, but as usual was ignored. Even if I wanted to talk to him, he is not picking up my calls, so I think he means it this time round.

Saint says I need to figure out what I want out from this. If I want to continue being friends with him then I will have to stop judging him and forgive him for everything that he has done in the past and move on. Stop having any prejudice against him and be the reassuring listening ear, friend and confidante that he needs. Am I able to do that? Honestly still not sure. But since he now wants nothing to do with me, there's nothing else that I can do. For someone who tries to put in effort and holds friendships close to my heart, of course it hurts that I am now nothing but a an irritating pest in his life. I hate having people walk out of my life especially if we were close. But what to do?

We shall just let things be.

Reality is like an in-your-face, unwelcome kick in the ass.
Reality hurts, but it's time to face it and accept it.

The simple truth is that:
1) He loves her
2) He never loved me, he only kept me close because he liked the feeling of being loved, wanted companionship and was scared of being lonely. And therefore the last 2.5 years of my life was nothing but a lie (also, thank you for ruining my memories)
3) He doesn't need me in his life except when his life is shitty and he needs a listening ear
4) He is moving on perfectly well with his life even without me in it

Also, I was most unceremoniously wiped out as his Facebook friend. Which I suppose has its own silver lining because that means I can no longer stalk him.

Trying to chill and not think about this asshole and his ridiculous actions. How he always says something but doesn't mean it or doesn't act on it. He is looking for agape love. I admit I don't know the concept of agape love but I gave selflessly and unconditionally (refer to the famous 1 Crointhians 13:4-8 verse). He got it, took it for granted, but cannot reciprocate. "Religion makes up 50% of the relationship," he says. "It is half the battle won." That's why with her, she already has that 50% in the bag.

Not to mention the unspeakable things that they did. Very very disappointing. I thought he was worth more than that. Thinking about it makes my blood boil. Ok chill chill chill.

I'm going for a strawberry shortcake baking class soon, gotta run.

Epic epic mind blowing conversation yesterday. Again all the hurt and betrayal started coming back, just when I had managed to somewhat shut myself out of it.

Lots of whys, hows, whens, and still, WHY?????? Why do it? WHY??!?!?!?!

It's hypocritical behaviour, especially based on what you said in the past, no amount of justification will right it, and I've effectively lost all respect for you. So it turned from pity, to like to love? Go and do whatever the shit you want with your girlfriend then.

This is going to be one of my life principles from now. Don't ever come into my life if all you are going to do in the end is to leave.

November has been too much of an angsty month. >:(

Another Thought Catalog article - You Don't Hate Your Ex's New Significant Other, You Hate Your Ex

"There is an awful tendency we have as humans to excuse even the most egregious misdeeds in the people we love. When combined with our propensity towards jealousy and insecurity, it makes for an extremely unpleasant display of our more reptilian brain. When we are cheated on, for example, it is often easier to direct the more brutal edge of your hatred towards the “other person,” rather than taking a painful look at the person you love and who you thought loved you just as much. We direct our anger in the only way it can go that doesn’t require directly calling into question our relationship.

And when you lose someone you love, when you feel as though you were kicked out of a home you considered your own for so long, few things are more painful than to see your love being happy with someone new. Especially if you were left for this new person, but even if their romance started some time after the fact, it feels as though someone has moved into our territory and planted their flag with no thought as to who may have been there first. We built so much into this person, this person we considered ours for so long, is now perfectly content without us. While our happiness is still almost fully dependent on the whims of someone else, they seem to have forgotten we exist.

We remember them as is easiest and most comfortable, at their best. No one wants to think that they loved someone so much who wasn’t kind, who didn’t care about us, who didn’t need us as we did them. It is more pleasant to paint them in the most gentle, flattering portrait, excusing every flaw they may have had and the fact that we were only too happy to want them in spite of it. This new person — a person who is as much a mystery to us as our ex is a known entity — has no rich history that needs to be explained away to justify their new behavior. You don’t love them, you don’t wish they loved you, and they offer only a great threat to your happiness.

It is easy to turn them into a monster. You can assume the worst and risk nothing when it comes to your own relationship. You stand to gain nothing by being friends with them, by being kind, by giving them the benefit of the doubt. While there is still an ugly, jealous part of you that wants the person back who so brutally left you — or at least for them to tell you they still love you so you can do the rejecting this time — there is no part of you that yearns for the approval of their new love. In fact, it’s easiest if they hate you. It allows you to further your dislike of them, to place more of the blame on them, to call them crazy and assume no responsibility.

But we don’t really hate them. We don’t even know them. Hell, chances are that we’d probably really like them if we got to know them. They are not some soulless demon who wormed its way into your love’s life to ruin yours. They are a human being with an actual heart, who is capable of seeing the same wonderful things we once did in the person we loved. The truth is that we are simply hurt, every inch of our pride battered by our ex’s ability to just toss us aside and ostensibly recreate all that was so unique to us with someone who doesn’t resemble us at all. And this pain, this fractured pride, has nowhere tangible to go except directly to the person who is perhaps least deserving. We don’t want to yell, we want to cry. We want to be held, to be told that we’re still worth loving even if the person whom we love the most doesn’t think so anymore.

It may be the hardest thing to do, but it is crucial to remind ourselves at every step that no matter how much your broken heart wants to convince you of hating a stranger, they are not who we are angry with. We are angry with our ex, and maybe even ourselves a bit for having let them get away. But the truth is, hating a third party will not bring your ex back — and even if it did, would you really want it? Would you want to be a love only worth keeping once you’ve played around and had your fill of something else? There is nothing to be gained from being cruel, from perpetuating the cycle of hurt feelings and misdirected anger. Hate-reading a Facebook page to find out everything you can possibly dislike about someone only wears on your own heart, and turning into someone petty enough to do it will never make someone love you again."

Why do you have to tell me things like how you spent $77 on a couple ring and that yours is engraved "God is Good" and hers says "All The Time"?

I was never even treated so nicely or even like a girlfriend in the past. What's the point of telling me this? To make me angrier issit?

NOT INTERESTED WITH WHATEVER YOU DO WITH HER.

My life has been full of drama again.

Recent new developments served to make me even more pissed, and make my battered heart even more dead.
I wouldn't even say I feel hurt anymore because it's more like -WHATEVER- with an eye roll now.

Also good la I need my heart to harden and die in order for the feelings to ebb away and to be able to move on.

But as a result I think I've become more cynical and skeptical especially towards guys, love and relationships. I was once a bushy tailed bright eyed naive and innocent girl who believed in love - pure, geniune, unadulterated love - and had grand visions about love and what it meant, but thanks one guy, my beliefs have been completely shattered. THANK YOU FOR KILLING A PART OF ME.

So the week has pretty much been crappy. Basically felt like shit for the earlier part of the week, was a little emotionally unstable, ended up turning into an obsessive, neurotic stalker, was constantly thinking about him and wondering what he was doing, tormenting myself with thoughts of him and her together out on dates, having fun, being crazily in love, feeling like someone stabbed + twisted the knife in my heart when I saw them posting flirty messages on each other's Facebook walls, and trying to cope with the loss, the emptiness and gaping hole in my life.

It really feels goddamn awful.

Thing about being hurt by the same person over and over again - somehow you get desensitized to it. It still hurts and it doesn't feel good, but the magnitude and impact that you feel can't quite compare to the first time, or the second, or the third... we just get numb, and start to build walls around us to cope.

I have been reading a lot of depressing articles on Thought Catalog, could identify with lots of them. Someone left a comment on an article and this was what it said:

"Why wasn't he afraid of losing you when you were so afraid of losing him? because you never shared yourself with him, never were honest with him... and so he never had a part of you to lose."

Feels like this is me.

***

On Thursday I met with K for dinner. She went through similar shit before (but is now engaged and has her happily ever after!) and I did feel much better after talking to her. That very same night, I got a call from the person who had been ignoring me for the past few days. I did what every silly person would do. I picked up the call.

It was a call telling me that it was over with him and P, and that he felt relieved and somewhat happy about it because to put it mildly, there are many things they can't see eye to eye on. Of course I was skeptical (and rightly so). But ok, I was a little happy that they broke up.

On Friday night I got another call. This time it was J crying over the phone. He was crying because he felt hurt and heartbroken and in his words - "now I know how you feel". WTF. Do you see how many shades of fucked up this was? One simply does not come crying to their ex and expect the ex to lick their wounds for them after they break up with their current boy/girlfriend. Furthermore, I have yet to completely get over him, was still pissed, and was just only starting to feel marginally better about him disappearing from my life. You want to talk about hurt here? WHO IS MORE HURT I ASK YOU?

My first reaction was - eh why the heck are you feeling hurt? Just yesterday you were telling me how happy you were after dumping her. You told me you that didn't even like her. Yet here you are feeling heartbroken. So this only means that what you told me were lies and that you did feel something for her. MEN. I don't understand them.

I honestly felt no sympathy for him because he deserved it. And I told him that. He went into this relationship with both eyes wide open. If you know you don't like the girl, why agree to be with her? This must be karma or something.

And then I got angry and indignant because he and her were together for 3 weeks, and he can be crying over the breakup, while I stuck by him for 2 and a half frigging years, and yet he can be all nonchalant about it. It goes back to the whole he doesn't love me thing which I shall not rehash.

When I was arguing with him he said a whole lotta other stuff like "you can't say that I dumped you because we weren't even boyfriend and girlfriend! How can you dump someone who was never your girlfriend?" Fwah. FUME. 这种没良心的话你也说得出。好歹我也曾经对你付出过，我对你的好绝对不会少过对一个 “男朋友” 的好。贱人！

So in my anger and spite I wrote him another lengthy email lambasting him and basically accusing him of a lot of stuff.

Tonight, just hours ago, I found out through Facebook that they were flirting on each other's wall again. So what does this mean? Ta-dah! Back together again. Zzzzzz.

In spite of myself (yes I should have more backbone seriously), I called him and asked him what the hell happened. Apparently this morning he asked her to reconsider, read my email, got angry, and decided to get together with her. /roll eyes. But then now he is thinking of breaking up with her again because of all the yada yada yada problems AND I also found out that she made personal attacks against me. OK she really crossed the line here. She said I had no pride for sticking to a guy doesn't even like me. She said I was stupid and an idiot. WAHLAO EH woman what did I do to you? My opinion of you just plunged 10 levels down.

So will J break up with P? Dum dum dum dum. He claims he wants to, but I have a feeling that he won't. Stay tuned.

My life is like a soap opera now and each day brings a new episode. -_- So we'll see what tomorrow brings.
I was just almost gonna recover and then this happened.
The smart thing to do is of course to ignore and remove him from my life completely.
But easier said than done.
One thing I'm pretty sure though, is like what Taylor Swift sang, "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together".
At least now I'm past the stage of feeling down in the dumps and moping and crying.

We all need to learn from this: 7 Dating Lessons I'm Still Working On Learning

I'm feeling really pissed and hurt and betrayed and bitter and and broken and disappointed and I dunno what else now.

So, I wrote a long grandmother email to him basically accusing him of lots of things and in his words - "you want your face-to-face, here's your face-to-face". So I met him last night.

I got my answers, but I also gained several new revelations.

1) He basically stopped having any feelings for me for a while. Possibly dating back to August, September, or who knows, maybe even earlier? Things felt "different" he said, especially after he changed jobs we kind of drifted, and then I understood why he was able to jump so readily into another relationship in the turn of the eye without even giving time for the old one to die off. How he was able to move on so easily, how he could completely disregard how I feel. BECAUSE TO HIM IT HAS ALREADY DIED OFF LONG AGO. At first I was hurt that he didn't even respect the relationship enough to at least not jump into another girl's arms immediately but of course, now I realize there was already nothing there to him from a long time ago.

Of course, it feels like shit to know that all this while I have been loving someone who doesn't love me at all.

2) He thought I didn't love him 100% or love him so much to think that we had a future together. He thought I didn't love him because I never expressed myself (verbally) my love for him, unlike his girlfriend. He was so sure that I didn't have any feelings for him because he couldn't feel anything from me. When his girlfriend observed that I still had feelings for him during the JB trip, he told his her "Definitely not, impossible". To him it's like, he has always been the one initiating most conversations, he's been the one calling me (that's true), hence he thought I was no longer interested.

WELL. HE IS VERY WRONG. When I expressed myself verbally, it was met with no replies or nonchalance. Since my verbal expressions were not reciprocated, I gradually stopped doing it. However, I expressed myself through ACTIONS. Actions speak louder than words, or so I thought. I may be passive but I have always been there for him, silently by his side offering him the support he needs. I ask about his well-being, I show care and concern about his life and the things happening around him, I show him physical affection, I made special trips down to his office to meet him for lunch, I buy stuff that he needs. (This article here expresses very well how I feel about him: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/how-i-know-i-love-you/) Apparently all this does not constitue liking or love, he thinks normal friends are also capable of doing stuff like that. So he is dense and dumb and superficial. It is no wonder that he got so easily swayed to be with his girlfriend because she is able to say things that he wants to hear.

3) Since I was the one who pushed him to go to SDN, he thought I would be happy for him when he found someone (also me encouraging him to go meet more girls was a clear sign to him that I no longer liked him - ok, can't argue with that). He did not expect me to feel so hurt and upset and betrayed now that he found someone. Also, we had many talks along the years about the future, like how I was free to go if I found someone else, and it was obvious that his future did not include me in it. Which is fair. These were the parameters set right at the start.

I didn't know this "no future" thing was so important to him that basically it affected the way he treated me. Because it's like since there's no future, then there's no point anyway, so no need 100%. This "no future" thing is used to justify everything. "No future", so it would have ended sooner or later anyway. "No future", so I could never see you as a potential partner. Why the fuck did he even lead me on for so long if there was "no future"? Yup so you, being perfectly logical and rational, would ask why did you stick with him for so long since there was "no future"? Honestly I have no direct answer to that. It could be (a) I believed as long as there was love, it doesn't matter what the future holds, or (b) I was insecure and as soon as some one paid some bit of attention to me, I clung onto him and didn't want to let go.

And to think all this while I was nothing but sincere and geniune to him, giving my very best. He was the one who begged me to stay when I wanted to leave early this year. I was conflicted, but decided to stay because it killed me to hurt him. Dammit, I even tried to make him feel more secure and assured him I wouldn't leave because he was insecure that I would bolt anyway. Now the tables are turned, he can say that he didn't feel I love him, and he is the one leaving and ruthlessly ditching me. All I wanted was for him to acknowledge my effort and love. What can I say right. I played with fire and got burnt badly. Handed him the knife and allowed him stab me with it.

4) So apparently the reason he is with his girlfriend now despite not liking her all that much is because she can give him the spiritual connection that he needs. Or rather, wants. He likes it that he can attend church with her, discuss about the sermon with her, talk to her about God and other Christianly stuff - that's a connection that he wants to be able to share with his partner. Because of this connection, he is able to see her as a potential life partner, as a wife. Being with her is different, compared to being with me. He said going out with her makes him feel like he is with a wife, because she thinks of him and asks him to try clothes on when they go shopping (oh right and I don't think of you and accommodate you all the time?) And seriously I had no bloody idea that he wanted all this. Honestly, he didn't even strike me as the very religious type. He didn't even talk to me about his religious beliefs (probably because he thinks I don't understand since I'm not a Christian). Worse, I thought we shared a connection but I guess that wasn't the type of connection he wanted. At the end of the day he was never able to see me as something more because I was never able to satisfy him in this aspect. So that's what she has that I don't. That's what's she was able to give him that I can't. Pretty earth-shattering revelation. Knowing that kinda sucks.

Also I guess he thinks I'm not worth it to put in the effort to try and overcome this barrier of ours.

So I guess that's it. 2.5 years of my feelings down the drain just like that. 拍拍屁股就走人。 He said he doesn't want to lead me on anymore and wants me to move on. And for me to move on, he will stop contacting me, stop burdening me with his problems, and withdraw from my life.

I'm finding a bit hard to move on to be honest. I'm too used to having him in my life. I'm like turning into this psychotic stalker with an overactive imagination and constantly obssessing about him. I want to think that this is breaking him apart just like how it is breaking me, that this is just as hard for him, but no? It seems like he is perfectly fine? (Right. He already has another girl to lick his wounds.) It's like every single thing I do I get reminded of him? Every place you go to is flooded with memories of him? How do you move on from something like that?

Also another takeaway point is that I am too damn nice. Being nice gets you no where. Being aggressive gets you what you want. Like his girlfriend P. She's aggressive and she got what she wanted.

Sucks being alone and surrounded with negative thoughts. Even though I've had a 4-day weekend, I really don't feel like going back to work tomorrow.

Sigh what can I say. The road to recovery is long and hard. :'(